One Step Forward and Two Steps Back

One step forward and two steps back.  This is how this week has been.  There is no rhyme or reason to my  mood swings.  Or maybe mood swings isn't really the right word I'm looking for.  I am not myself, but some days i am much more not myself than others.

On Monday, my first day back, i was embraced by love and support from all the people I work with.  the other nurses I work with, put me in a "no cry zone" where they would shelter me from people and situations that they thought would make me cry.  It was a tough day, but I got through it better than I had thought I would.  So it would reason that Tuesday would be a little easier.  Nope.  On Tuesday, I was a mess.  I cried the entire 42 miles into work had several breakdowns thru the day, and then cried the entire 42 miles back home.  When Robby came home that night, I was still a mess.  I can't put my finger on what made that day so much worse.  I had tried to call my dad that morning on my way into work and could not get in touch with him. and maybe that triggered something.   Wednesday Robby was home with me in the morning before I went into work and I think that helped get my day off to a better start.  I actually laughed a little and that felt really great.  Today though, things went to hell again.  The morning was tough and the afternoon ended with me finding out that a co-workers mom had died early this morning.  I began to cry when she told me over the phone about her mom, and I felt awful because I knew I was crying for her loss, but even more so, I was crying for my loss of my mom.  Trying to grasp the reality of never being able to speak to my mom again is so hard.  Also, I cannot get rid of the images I have playing in my mind of her on life support.  Lying there in her hospital bed as if she were really still alive.  For 4 hours straight, I sat by her side, forcing her hand to hold mine, and starring at her eyelids waiting to see some type of eye movement under them.  Anything that would give me hope that she was still there.  I stroked her cheek and I smoothed her hair.  I whispered in her ear to please not leave me, that I would do whatever was needed to take care of her if she just wouldn't leave me.  Nothing worked.  Even when they took her off of life support, it was not the instant ending to her life that I thought it would be.  It was a good 45 minutes before the monitors stopped registering any pulse or blood pressure.  She was trying to stay with us, she just couldn't win the battle.  These are the things that play over and over again in my mind.  I don't know how to stop them. 

This weekend, I will go back to Richmond and help my dad go through some of my mom's things.  Clothes and shoes that we need to donate and I am not sure what else.  Not sure I will be able to manage doing anything else.  I can't wait to see my dad again, and hope that I can hold it together all weekend for him.  He has been so brave and strong for me on the phone when I speak to him, all three times a day that I call him.  I want to be that brave and strong for him.  I guess only time will tell, but I hope to be taking at least one step forward and no steps back.  We'll see how it goes.   Thanks for listening.