The Healing Begins

The sun setting on Thanksgiving Day.

Thanksgiving was a day I had mixed feelings about.  I was happy to be sharing the day with all of my brothers, my dad, some of my nieces and nephews and my husband.  I was not happy that my mom would not be a part of the day and that my kids were with their dad this year for the holiday.  It has been a very long time since all of us have been together for a holiday.  My dad had already told me he was going to be depending on me to help get him through the day. Robby and I left our house early Thanksgiving morning to drive to Williamsburg, about 3 1/2 hours from our house.  I wanted to stop by the cemetery in Richmond to place a fall wreath on my mom's marker on our way to my brother's.  The name plate has not been finished yet, so her marker is empty and seems so plain.  Robby and I had bought a ladder the night before so that I would be able to reach up to her spot.  She is buried in a Mausoleum, so it's not like I can put anything on the ground around her grave site.  I spent some time talking to her and telling her our plans for the day.  I told her how much I wished you could be with us, because I know how happy she would have been to see all of us together again. 


Mom hated artificial flowers, but I have no choice since I don't live close enough to
switch the wreath out every week or so.  Sorry Mama.

 Once we arrived in Williamsburg, I started to feel better about the day.  Being around family and having something to focus on, really helps me.  My sister-in-law Viv had already made most of the meal for Thanksgiving.  She had some of my mom's recipes and she did an amazing job cooking everything.  I only had to make the sweet potatoes which were one of my dad's favorite recipes of my mom's for the holidays.  Only problem was, I could not find her recipe anywhere.  So I asked dad what he remembered the most about them and I began searching recipes to try and find a recipe similar to hers.  I ended up with 3 different recipes that I combined together and actually ended up with something everyone liked.

My two sister-in-laws and me about to get busy in the kitchen.

 The day was beautiful and the temperature perfect.  My brother lives on the river and so it was a perfect day to be outside.  My dad was so happy.  It was the first time he had been to my brother's house since he moved.  I knew my dad would love it.  He and my brothers and Robby all walked down to the river together and Danny was so proud to show dad his home and his property.  My dad in return was really proud of all my brother has accomplished with his life.  It was so bittersweet though because my mom never got to see any of this and I know in my heart, she would have loved it and been so proud too.  I like to think my mom was there on Thanksgiving, she was the sun shining down on the river.



Beautiful view from my brother's deck.



Daddy looking out over the water.  Can only imagine what he was thinking.




Daddy and his guys walking back up from the "beach."

Viv had the dining room set up beautifully.  I LOVE her dining room.  Her taste in decorating is to die for.  She has such a great style and is able to make everything look so special and one of a kind.  Just like her jewelry she makes.  I would eat every meal in this room if I could.


This was the "adults"table.



Those chandeliers needed to come home with me.

Throughout the day, we spoke of mom and how she made Thanksgiving look so easy.  We never saw all the work she went through to put amazing meals on the table.  And when I was in the middle of making my sweet potato dish, my brothers were looking at me like I didn't have a clue as to what I was doing.  And I admit, at one point it looked like I was making a big pile of Sweet Potato Poo.  A few tears were shed during the day, but all in all, it was a wonderful day filled with laughter and new great memories being made.  We are learning how to be a family without our mom being there.  But I think what we are really learning, is the sense of family that has always been instilled in us all of our lives. We have always been a close family, but in our own way.  Now, we lean on each other for extra support, we are there for our dad to remind him that he is not alone and we will not let him be alone.  I think my mom would have been proud of how we got through the day.  I know I went home feeling a little better about things and felt like I was finally starting to heal a little bit.  Next month we have Christmas and that may be a little difficult too.  Each "first" without my mom is a learning experience and a walk in uncharted waters.  We will deal with each day as it comes, and I know there will still be some really difficult days ahead.  But I know I have my family, my husband, my kids and my friends to help me through.  And I have my mom, because I still talk to her everyday and I know in her own way, she will answer me back.  So, I know it is cliche, but this Thanksgiving, I truly am thankful for my family as our healing begins.

This is what I am thankful for (plus my 4 kids, and my other niece and nephew
that couldn't make it for Thanksgiving).

Pitted Pots and Pans, Chanel and Pearls

This weekend I went back to my childhood home to help my dad pack up some of my mom's clothes.  Some people say it is too soon, others say it isn't.  My daddy is the one who has to live with the constant reminders of my mom, and if he was ready for me to pack up and donate her many pieces of clothing and shoes, then who am I to argue.  Let me start by saying, why my mom ever encouraged me to buy her more clothes for Christmas presents and birthday presents is beyond me.  Clearly, she just couldn't say no thank you or tell me no.  That little lady had so many clothes and some still had the tags on them.  Really pretty dresses that she bought on sale for an amazing amount that she was saving to wear for the perfect occasion.  Finding the receipts to some of those clothes and seeing that she had just purchased them a month or so ago, only proves to me she never intended to leave this world so soon.  What I would do to be a size 4 so I could have kept some of those beauties and worn them for myself.



In one drawer of her dresser, I came across some clothing that had been carefully wrapped in tissue paper.  I carefully removed them from the drawer and laid them down on one of the beds.  I began to unwrap them and suddenly realized what I had come across.  About 27 years ago when my daddy's mom died, my mom went with my dad to close up my grandmother's apartment and go through her belongings.  My mom found these two, amazing sequined and beaded tops that belonged to my grandmother.  Mom brought them home with her and I never saw my mom wear them.  I guess she just thought they were too beautiful to get rid of.  I was so happily surprised to find that she still had them after all these years.  I don't know that they will fit me, or if this country girl will ever have reason to wear them, but like my mom, I will keep them safe and cherish them always.



Black sequined and beaded top.



Beautiful pale blue top with gorgeous beading.

After discovering these, I needed a mental break from what I was doing.  I had promised my dad to make him some lemon bars while I was home.  So I went to the kitchen and decided to do just that.  Cooking soothes my soul and always makes me feel better.  My mom had cooked her entire life.  Almost everything was made from scratch and she did not have all the modern day conveniences in her kitchen.  Her pots and pans were OLD!!!  Some were her mom's pots and pans.  Long before the day of Teflon coated and stick free pans, were pots and pans that became stick free from years and years of use.  Taking out her pots and pans to cook with made me feel like no matter what I cooked or baked, it would come out perfect.  Her bowls and pans have dings and scratches in them, some of them are pitted and have dents in them.  Does not matter, the food always came out of them perfect every time.  And to think I have always thought I needed the newest and improved everything in my kitchen in order to do my best.  Mom just proved, if you have love in your heart for what you are doing, it will always turn out perfect.  

Her square pan I used for the lemon bars. Many dinner rolls have risen in this pan
to feed to us kids when we were growing up.



Thought this was so cute.  Didn't even realize they had half a dozen eggs to
buy in the grocery stores.  I have never needed less than a dozen, hahaha.



The white bowl was the bowl that came with my moms very first "Mix Master" and the
other two pots were her moms.  Years of loved have been cooked in those pots.



Love all the character this pot has. I remember mom making spaghetti sauce and
chilli in this pot.






















So after I was done baking and taking my nostalgic trip down memory lane, I went back to my task at hand.  More packing.  When I opened the drawer my mom had her lingerie in, I immediately was hit by a very familiar scent. A scent that took me back to my childhood.  Tucked in the back of her drawer, in a beautiful antique lace sachet, was a bar of soap I believe my mom has had since she got married.  Is it even possible for a bar of soap to last for 58 1/2 years?  I remember as a child, finding this in her drawer and asking her why she had soap in her drawer.  She explained to me it was to keep her pretty underclothes smelling pretty.  The soap was a beautiful shade of green and had what I thought to be a bride carved into the soap and writing on the back.  It was the prettiest bar of soap I had ever seen.  I took the sachet out of the drawer and slipped the bar of soap out and held it to my nose.  I took in the sent and was instantly with my mom again.  It was her smell.  It was her scent when she had not put any other perfume on.  I cannot explain how soothing that was to my soul and I am sure some of you think I have truly lost it by now.  But that soap was my mom.  I tucked it back into the sachet and placed it in my bag to bring home and place in my drawer.

If my mom did not smell like that soap, there was only one other thing she would smell like, Chanel No. 5.  This was her signature, dressing up scent.  A bottle would last her forever, but when it got low, it was immediately replaced, from her children or by my dad as a Christmas gift or birthday present.  I brought her bottle home with me when I came home after she passed away, and every moring, I put just a drop right under my nose, so that I can be calmed by that scent every day.  Perhaps now that I have her soap, I can save the Chanel No. 5 for special occasions, like my mom did.



My mom summed up by 3 items.
Her soap for her drawer, her Chanel No. 5, and the pearls my daddy gave her
on their wedding day.  This was my mom, classic, elegant and understated.

In the same drawer where I found her soap, were several pair of gloves.  Most of them were gloves to wear in colder weather or the very common, Isotoner Gloves.  But at the very bottom of the pile of gloves, I found these white gloves.  So very soft from years of wear, with just the slightest bit of detail on the front.  I remember back when my mom would wear white gloves with suits and even when she wore long, elbow length white gloves for special occasions.  But those gloves were not in the drawer.  Suddenly my attention was drawn to a favorite picture of my mom, her wedding picture.  She and my dad did not have a regular wedding and  my mom could not afford a wedding dress.  What she wore was a beautiful navy blue wool suit.  She still has the suit but I have not found it as of yet.  Years ago, I was in a fashion show featuring Vintage clothing, and my mom lent me her wedding suit to wear in the fashion show.  I was so honored and amazed that I was able to fit into that dress.  I felt so beautiful when I was in that show.  When I saw that picture, I instantly realized why she had kept these gloves.


My beautiful mama on her wedding day.  Notice the pearls around her neck
and the gloves on her hands.



Now I know where I get my hopless romantic side from.  It was the little things in life,
that meant the most to my mom and touched her heart the most.
These are the gloves that I found, the same ones she wore on her wedding day.

I didn't keep much of what I found in my mom's closets and drawers.  But the things I did bring home, mean the world to me, and I know they meant the world to my mom too.  Without even telling me what she wanted me to have of hers, she managed to leave me clues so I would know.  I would give back every little thing to have one more day with her, but I know that will never happen.  So it is with a heavy heart, that I carefully put away the things I brought home, so that at special little times, I will get little peaks back into her life and have my little reminders of a life lived with love.

I love you mama and love the true lady that you are.  Miss you more than you know.
XXOO




One Step Forward and Two Steps Back

One step forward and two steps back.  This is how this week has been.  There is no rhyme or reason to my  mood swings.  Or maybe mood swings isn't really the right word I'm looking for.  I am not myself, but some days i am much more not myself than others.

On Monday, my first day back, i was embraced by love and support from all the people I work with.  the other nurses I work with, put me in a "no cry zone" where they would shelter me from people and situations that they thought would make me cry.  It was a tough day, but I got through it better than I had thought I would.  So it would reason that Tuesday would be a little easier.  Nope.  On Tuesday, I was a mess.  I cried the entire 42 miles into work had several breakdowns thru the day, and then cried the entire 42 miles back home.  When Robby came home that night, I was still a mess.  I can't put my finger on what made that day so much worse.  I had tried to call my dad that morning on my way into work and could not get in touch with him. and maybe that triggered something.   Wednesday Robby was home with me in the morning before I went into work and I think that helped get my day off to a better start.  I actually laughed a little and that felt really great.  Today though, things went to hell again.  The morning was tough and the afternoon ended with me finding out that a co-workers mom had died early this morning.  I began to cry when she told me over the phone about her mom, and I felt awful because I knew I was crying for her loss, but even more so, I was crying for my loss of my mom.  Trying to grasp the reality of never being able to speak to my mom again is so hard.  Also, I cannot get rid of the images I have playing in my mind of her on life support.  Lying there in her hospital bed as if she were really still alive.  For 4 hours straight, I sat by her side, forcing her hand to hold mine, and starring at her eyelids waiting to see some type of eye movement under them.  Anything that would give me hope that she was still there.  I stroked her cheek and I smoothed her hair.  I whispered in her ear to please not leave me, that I would do whatever was needed to take care of her if she just wouldn't leave me.  Nothing worked.  Even when they took her off of life support, it was not the instant ending to her life that I thought it would be.  It was a good 45 minutes before the monitors stopped registering any pulse or blood pressure.  She was trying to stay with us, she just couldn't win the battle.  These are the things that play over and over again in my mind.  I don't know how to stop them. 

This weekend, I will go back to Richmond and help my dad go through some of my mom's things.  Clothes and shoes that we need to donate and I am not sure what else.  Not sure I will be able to manage doing anything else.  I can't wait to see my dad again, and hope that I can hold it together all weekend for him.  He has been so brave and strong for me on the phone when I speak to him, all three times a day that I call him.  I want to be that brave and strong for him.  I guess only time will tell, but I hope to be taking at least one step forward and no steps back.  We'll see how it goes.   Thanks for listening.

Baby Steps

Today I go back to work for the first time in 2 weeks. 

The last Monday morning that I went to work,

was the Monday morning that my mom died.

I left my office crying, hysterical and praying, begging, to God,

that my mom's life would not be taken from her.  I did not know

at that time, she was already gone,  waiting on life support

for me and my brothers to come say good-bye.

I work in a doctor's office where the majority of my patients are elderly.

Many of the little ladies that come into our office remind me of my mom.

I  become very attached to our patients, and feel a great loss when they pass.

I now know that the pain I feel when they die, is nothing compared to

this raw, burning hurt that is so deeply embedded in my heart.

I have not done much of anything since I returned home from Richmond.

The phone rings, I don't answer it.  Friends invite us over, I make an excuse

for why we can't come.  I don't want to see anyone outside of my family.

I know everyone means well, and they are just trying to help.  The thing is,

seeing people just makes it worse.  I am not ready to laugh and have fun.

Today though, I will take some baby steps towards returning to my normal life.

I have always said, when you are a patient and are feeling bad, the last thing

you want is a nurse working with you that has no compassion or is in a

bad mood.  I have always tried to be that nurse who would make

my patients smile and maybe for a half hour, forget how bad they feel.

So my goal for today, is to do that for at least one of my patients.  I may not

be able to pull it off for all of them, but in time I hope to again.  So like the picture above,

I feel like I am walking down a dim path, but at the end I know there will be some light.

I am asking my mom to give me the strength to make it through this day, and to be with me as I take

these steps.

Do any of you have any ideas for me, as to how to want to get back into my life?

Any books I should be reading, goals to set for myself, prayers to be praying?

I would love to read what you have to say.  Don't call me, because I probably still

won't answer my phone :)



God's Garden

When preparing for my mom's funeral service, we were asked by my friend Carla, who would be doing the service, if she had any favorite poems or scriptures.  I could not think of any that she had specifically shared with me in the past.  I went back to the room I was staying in and started going through drawers and papers to see if I could find anything that was special to her.  I wanted so badly for her funeral ceremony to be perfect, as she deserved nothing less.  I came across the memoirs of her former boss, Dr. Peter Mellette, whom she loved and respected dearly.  My mom had typed this manuscript for Dr. Mellette before he died, and she typed it the old fashion way, on a typewriter.  Dr. Mellette had signed and given my mom the original copy when it was completed.  Inside, my mom had saved the funeral service program from his funeral and I also found this poem.  I read the poem and started to weep.  I don't know how she got her hands on this poem, but it was perfect for my mom's service.  I took it out to show Carla, my dad and my brothers and told them that I didn't know why mom had it, but I thought it was perfect for her and clearly she must have loved it to keep a copy.  We had to cut out a few lines for it to fit on my mom's funeral program, but Carla read it in it's entirity during the service.  I have since learned it is called God's Garden and the author in unkown. 

Today, I am still struggling with my mom's death.  I miss her more and more everyday.  And when I have something I want to tell her, I remember I can't call her and tell her.I hope that she sees how badly I want to speak with her and that maybe when she sees this piece of art I did this morning, she will see how special she is.  My mom loved gardening and being outside, and the thought of her being a part of God's Garden brings me some peace.  I love you mom and hope you are pleased with this piece I put together in honor of you this morning.

God's Garden

God looked around His garden and found an empty place.

He then looked down upon the earth and saw your tired face.

He put His arms around you and lifted you to rest.

God's garden must be beautiful. He only takes the best.

He knew that you were suffering. He knew you were in pain.

He knew that you would never get well on earth again.

He saw the road getting rough and the hills were hard to climb.

So He closed your weary eyelids and whispered, "Peace be thine".

It broke our hearts to lose you but you didn't go alone.

Part of us went with you the day God took you home.

If tears could build a stairway and heartaches make a lane,

We'd walk a path to heaven to be with you again.



Dear Mama....

Dear Mama,
It has been a week and 3 days since you were taken from me.  I hope that you are loving Heaven and are having a wonderful time catching up with your mom & dad, your brothers and sister and all of the your other loved ones that you have met back up with.  Also, just wondering, have you found Sandra Bullock's mom yet and told her that people always tell me they think I look like her?  I had a very dear patient at work die yesterday, and I was hoping maybe you could meet up with him and show him the ropes.  I am sure you have already checked all of Heaven out, so you would be a great tour guide.  His name is Mr. Dutton, look him up okay?
Life down here is not the same without you.  For such a tiny, little lady, you have left a big, gaping hole in my life and in our family.  Daddy is doing okay, but there is a light in his eyes that has gone.  It's a light that burned bright for about 60 years, and now is gone.  I hope in time, his memories will be enough to spark that light again. It may not burn as bright as it use to, but hopefully it will at least flicker.  You would be so proud of Billy, Danny, Stephen and I.  We have really pulled together and rallied together for daddy and each other.  You may not have realized how many values you instilled in us, but I hope that you can now see what an amazing job you did with each of us. 
So mama, I have to tell you sorry for several things.  I am so sorry I didn't realize how difficult your life was.  You placed so many demands on yourself and expected so much of yourself.  You tried to tell me at times how hard things were from time to time, and I just told you I understood and that I was sorry.  I told you not to worry so much about things and just let them go.  After having tried miserably to take your place for a week, I now understand what you were saying.  Your life was so hard.  The amount of work you tried to accomplish in a day, the worries you had over daddy's dialysis and his diet, how you wanted the house to stay clean all the time and have the yard looking so beautiful.  You made it look so effortless, and yet, it is soooo hard.  Why could I not see that when you were here.  Why did it take you leaving for me to understand the depth of your worry and the magnitude of the amount of stress you were under.  You and daddy just continued to move forward and though at times you may have let out a heavy sigh, you never really  complained.  At least not so that I would look deeper into your complaints.  How I wish I had known better what your daily life consisted of.  You always said none of us had any idea what it was like, and you are right.  I now have a much better idea, but it's too late.  You are no longer here for me to relieve.  I can't come help you and give you a break.  But, when I really think about it, I know you probably would not have taken a break.  Your love for daddy and his well being and health, was the driving force in all you did.  For better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish from that day forward until death do you part.  You and daddy breathed and lived those vows day in and day out.  I always told you both on your Anniversary, what an honor it is to say my parents have stayed married all those years.  I have always been so proud of you both for your loyalty to each other.  It is because of that pride in you, that when my first marriage was falling apart, I could  not bear to tell you.  It is why I took the cowardly way out and wrote you all a letter telling you I was getting divorced instead of calling you and telling you over the phone or coming to see you in person.  I know the 58 years were not easy.  You and daddy had many hard times and we kids, didn't always make it easy.  But you never gave up and you never turned on each other.  You turned to each other, and together you made it through.  I was so disappointed in myself when Gary and I couldn't do that, and having to tell you was more than I could face.  For that I am sorry, because had I given you the chance, you would have been there for me and made it a less difficult time for me.  Rest assure though, my marriage to Robby is built on the firm foundation of your and daddy's marriage, and I will make you proud of the life Robby and I have together.  We won't live to be able to celebrate 58 years I don't imagine, but we will live each year together to the fullest, nurturing our love for each other, every single day.
I wish I had known that you were going to be leaving so soon.  I always wanted to have a chance to discuss something with you.  I wanted for you and I to decide on a "sign" or a code word, something that you could do for me so that when you died and arrived in Heaven, you could let me know you made it okay.  Something that would let me know on really bad days, that you were there helping me along and guiding me.  I couldn't ever think of a good time to bring up that subject because I never wanted to think of a day that you would not be here for me.  Oh how I wish I had just had that talk.  Yesterday Beauty and I went for a walk outside, and I just sat by one of my gardens and stared up into the sky looking for you.  I thought maybe a cloud would form in the shape of your beautiful face, or maybe a breeze would blow against my cheek or whisper in my ear.  There were no such signs.  But I will keep looking.  You will do something to let me know you are there, I am sure of it.
Before I close for now, I have one more big favor.  Because I am certain you can see all that is life on earth now, I am begging of you to please watch over my boys.  Right now I am especially asking you to stay with Garrett.  He is in a place that I cannot reach.  I am sure you noticed his abscense at your funeral and you know that it was not because of lack of love for you.  Garrett loved you so very much mama, and still does.  I cannot tell you his reasons as I do not know them myself.  I pray that whatever demons he is battling, he is able to overcome soon.  I am sick with worry for him and feel helpless.  If you could just please stay with him and gently guide him from harm, it would mean so much to me.  I do not know what fate has planned for him, and there is only so much any of us can do, but any help from you I can get would be so appreciated.  And of course in your spare time, you can hang out with Reed, Evan and Trevor too and gently push them in the right directions also.
I am going to do something that you will not approve of at all.  I am going to post a few more pictures of you.  They help me to remember happy times and look at your beautiful face.  You always hated having your picture taken.  I wish you could have seen yourself the way we all did and do.  A beautiful woman with a bright happy smile and eyes that poured out love.  I love you mama and miss you so much.
Love always,
Doodle Bug





Mom and her little brother Pete. Late 1930's



Mom and me when I was 8 months old, December 1965.






















Mom in the early 1980's in her favorite room, the kitchen.  Even loading the dishwasher, she kept on smiling.



My graduation from college, May 1986.  A day that I know she was proud of me for.























Nana with all of her grandsons.  This was a hard Christmas for she and daddy, but the boys made them laugh.  Can't imagine why.  December 25, 2009.





Nana pinning the boutinere on Trevor at my wedding, May 22, 2010.



























A beautiful moment for my mom and dad at my wedding. May 22, 2010.



The whole crazy family trying to pose for a family portrait.  Formality was never something we have been good about.
Again, at my wedding on May 22, 2010.  The last time we were all together as a family.



What is Normal?

This is not a normal blog post.  This is me typing out random thoughts that keep firing through my brain.  I have to get it out because it is just too much to keep inside of me.  Please forgive this if it is raw, boring or just too personal.  It is the only way I know how to release.
I can not begin to process all the thoughts racing through my mind.  Since my mom passed away a week ago today, my world in un-recognizable to me.  What I thought was my normal life, is no longer in any way, normal.  The role that I thought I was to play in my parents life, is no longer the role that I am playing.  Responsibilities I thought I would have years to take on, have now been given to me at a time I was not prepared to receive them.  My mom has left me without any warning and no explanation of what I am  suppose to do.  As the only girl in my family, I feel an inherent responsibility to step in for my mom.  This is an impossible feat, as there is no replacement for her.  The demands she placed on herself to be perfect, have made it virtually impossible for anything I do to feel sufficient in my eyes.  I am exhausted to the point that I can't sleep, and I have not done 1/4 of the things she does on a daily basis.  I don't know what to do for my dad.  I don't know how to ease his pain and yet give him the room to start moving forward.  I look around my parents house and I just become so sad.  So terribly, terribly sad.  How can my dad stand to be in that house with my mom and him everywhere.  It is so lonely and quiet.  The grocery shopping, the food prep, the shrubs in the front yard that need pruning, the pansies around the mailbox that should be dead-headed daily so they keep looking fresh, the dusting, the laundry, the list goes on and on.  How can my dad not be overwhelmed when I am? 

I want to leave and go home to my life.  I want to try and get back to something that seems familiar.  I want my kids, my husband, my home, my bed, my dog, my own space to grieve.  And yet, I feel an overwhelming amount of guilt because I want to get away and escape.  I don't want to be in their house anymore right now.  Is this so wrong?  My dad wants to go through some of her things, but I don't want to do that now, but I also don't want him to have to be seeing her things all the time if he doesn't want to.  I don't understand the stages of grief and I guess everyone goes through them differently.

I have unanswered questions that I would love answers to, but will never get.  Did my mom have a feeling that something was going to happen to her?  Dad says she did some odd things a few days prior and it makes me wonder.  Did she suffer before the aneurysm, because she complained of a headache early that morning and then when it hit, she was calling out "help me, help me" in the dialysis center where my dad was.  Did she know this was the end?  Could she hear me or feel me at all when I got to her and she was on life support?  I sat by her side, forcing her hand to hold mine for the last 7 hours of her life, with my head on her shoulder, staring at her eyelids, praying to see them move so I would know she was still there.  Squeezing her hand as hard as I could hoping she would wake up and tell me i was hurting her or just squeeze my hand back.  I couldn't believe she was just gone.  How could a life go that fast?  What were her thoughts that morning, for the few short hours she was here?  And more importantly, how do I STOP having all these questions and thoughts race through my mind?

In spite of my efforts to feed my dad the way he is to be fed, he has lost more weight this week.  I have made sure he eats three meals a day and drinks as much fluids as he is suppose to, but yet his weight goes down.  With his kidney disease, I worry that he will get himself into more trouble with his health because he will not take enough care with his eating.  What will we do if he ends up back in the hospital again and my mom was the one who stayed with him around the clock when he was in the hospital.  Sooooo many things that i think of and worry about.  And the worst part is, no one has the answers for me. 

Tomorrow, which is Tuesday, I will go to a doctor's appointment with my dad, and then Tuesday evening, Robby will come get me and take me back home.  I am scared to leave but feel that it is time for me to go.  My brother's are going to come by and spend time with him and watch the Va. Tech football game with him Thursday night.  We all feel it is important that he get back to a normal routine, whatever that may be for him now.  He needs to do for himself, and as long as I am here doing for him, he will never do it on his own.  I am scared for him, I am scared for me.  But most of all, I am sad, and want HAPPINESS back.

I'm tired and don't feel like writing any more now.  But I imagine, I am not done.

Much to say, no words to say it.

Yesterday, October 31, 2011, my mom left this world.

I wasn't ready for her to go. 

My dad wasn't ready for her to go.

My brothers weren't ready for her to go.

I don't believe my mom was ready to go.

But God was ready for her.

When I spoke to her Sunday,

I had no idea it would be,

the last time.

My mom and I spoke a lot.

Always ending our conversations with,

"I love you mama." 

"I love you too sweetheart, and thanks for calling."

I won't ever hear that again.

Had I known that would be the last time

I would hear my mom's

sweet southern accent,

I would have made that conversation last forever.

I have talked to her numerous times since she left.

She hasn't talked back yet.

I still hold out hope,

that somehow,

I will feel her and know she hears me,

and will "talk" back to me.

I ask her how to take care of my daddy, like she did.

What am I to cook him to eat.

How do I make sure he takes his medication on time.

How do I make sure he just.........

Oh Momma, I have so much to say to you,

but no words to say it.

I love you,

and my heart is

breaking.