Baby Steps

Today I go back to work for the first time in 2 weeks. 

The last Monday morning that I went to work,

was the Monday morning that my mom died.

I left my office crying, hysterical and praying, begging, to God,

that my mom's life would not be taken from her.  I did not know

at that time, she was already gone,  waiting on life support

for me and my brothers to come say good-bye.

I work in a doctor's office where the majority of my patients are elderly.

Many of the little ladies that come into our office remind me of my mom.

I  become very attached to our patients, and feel a great loss when they pass.

I now know that the pain I feel when they die, is nothing compared to

this raw, burning hurt that is so deeply embedded in my heart.

I have not done much of anything since I returned home from Richmond.

The phone rings, I don't answer it.  Friends invite us over, I make an excuse

for why we can't come.  I don't want to see anyone outside of my family.

I know everyone means well, and they are just trying to help.  The thing is,

seeing people just makes it worse.  I am not ready to laugh and have fun.

Today though, I will take some baby steps towards returning to my normal life.

I have always said, when you are a patient and are feeling bad, the last thing

you want is a nurse working with you that has no compassion or is in a

bad mood.  I have always tried to be that nurse who would make

my patients smile and maybe for a half hour, forget how bad they feel.

So my goal for today, is to do that for at least one of my patients.  I may not

be able to pull it off for all of them, but in time I hope to again.  So like the picture above,

I feel like I am walking down a dim path, but at the end I know there will be some light.

I am asking my mom to give me the strength to make it through this day, and to be with me as I take

these steps.

Do any of you have any ideas for me, as to how to want to get back into my life?

Any books I should be reading, goals to set for myself, prayers to be praying?

I would love to read what you have to say.  Don't call me, because I probably still

won't answer my phone :)