Dear Mom

Dear Mom,
It is Sunday night, 5 days after your 82nd birthday.  I am sure it was quite the celebration for you and I imagined all day on Tuesday how you, your mom and dad, Uncle Danny, Uncle Pete and Aunt Janie must be spending the day.  I sang you Happy Birthday and you were kind enough to give me a snow day to stay home and celebrate your day.  Had you been alive and here with me, I know we would have spent it in the snow building snowmen and using my hats and scarves to dress them with.  Then you would have insisted on us making Snow Cream to eat with a Fresh Coconut Cake I would have baked for you.  We would have eaten that early in the day of course so that we could make huge banana splits together to eat in the evening.  Remember how I would come home to Richmond for your birthday and would stop somewhere first and buy a Banana Split to bring home to you and one for me and Butter Pecan ice cream for dad?  You didn't care if you got a present, just as long as we could have our ice cream together.  I looked forward to your birthdays for that reason almost as much as I look forward to my own birthday, hahahaha.  So I guess my question for you is, do they have banana splits in heaven and if so, are they as good as they are here on earth?

Yesterday, Robby and I went home to spend the day with dad.  We went out to the cemetery to spend some time with you but it was sooooo cold.  There was still snow on the ground and the pond was partially frozen.  But the ducks were still out on the pond and the fountain still ran.  As you know, I always feel such peace when I am there to visit.  How I wish I was able to come every week so that we could spend more time together.  I always have so much to tell you, even though I have conversations with you everyday on my 84 mile commute to and from work.  Somehow it just isn't the same talking to you in my car, all alone, as it is when I am sitting there at the cemetery where we said our last goodbyes.  I am sure the people who pass me on 81 often wonder who on earth I am talking to, hahahaha.

Once we got back to the house, Bill came over and brought his girlfriend Teri over for us to meet.  Jess, Joe and Olivia came over too.  It was so nice to see Bill so happy and Teri is a really wonderful girl.  She was so easy to talk to and is very down to earth.  You would have liked her very much, of that I am certain.  It was so great to see Jess and Joe.  They are such a cute couple and Olivia is just the sweetest little bundle of love.  You know me and babies, I had to have my hands on her the whole time they were visiting.  Even when she was crying, I didn't want to hand her back over to Jess, I just wanted to find the way to soothe her and make her happy.  She loves to stand up and hold onto your fingers and dance.  And let me tell you, she is quite the little dancer for a 6 month old.  It is so great to have a baby around again.  Brings back such wonderful memories of Garrett, Reed, Evan and Trevor.  Daddy loves that little cutie pie too, very much.  It is so cute to see him hold her and talk to her.  I know he never thought he would see the day that he would become a Great Papa.

Leaving dad to come back home is never easy.  I hate leaving him in that house alone with nothing but memories.  But you would be so proud of how well he is doing.  He stays busy in his playhouse and just finished his 16th clock.  He has no idea who he will be giving this one to, but he made it anyway.  As nervous as it makes me thinking of him in that playhouse alone with power tools, electric saws and his other "toys", I know it is his therapy and it is what gets him through each and every day.  I believe that you watch over him when he is in there and protect him from harm.

As for me, I have come a long way from where I was this time 2 years ago.  I don't miss you any less, if anything I miss you more.  But I have been able to heal some and know in my heart you are in a better place.  I feel your presence when I need you the most and know that you are right there with me.  I know you have been watching over my boys and see the wonderful things they are doing in their lives.  I know you know that I am in a loving place in my life and am the happiest and most at peace with myself and my life as I have ever been.  Each and everyday seems to bring me a little more peace than the day before.  I don't know what exactly to attribute this overwhelming sense of calm and contentment too, but I am so grateful for it.  Good things keep coming to me and an inner strength I have never known before has taken up home in my soul.  Burdens and guilt I have carried with me for years have been lifted.  Life is good!!

Well, I guess that is all I have to say for now.  I love you so and wish so much that I could call you on the phone like I always did on Sundays.  It doesn't seem fair that I get to talk to you whenever I want, but I never get to hear you talk back.  Funny how that is, right?  There were so many times when I was younger that I would have given anything not hear you talk back when I was talking to you, or screaming at you, or crying at you.  Now I would give anything and everything just to hear one more word come from your mouth.

Happy Birthday, my dear sweet momma.  I love you with every fiber of my being.
Your loving daughter,
Doodle Bug

We Are Family

 

 

 

Yep, that is my family.  Not all of it, but a good bit of it.  In that photo is missing my oldest son, who lives in California, my oldest brother, who was in Texas for the Holiday, his daughter Meredith, who was spending time with her other PaPaw who is in the hospital, my niece Jessica and her husband Joe and their baby Olivia, they were in Massachusetts with Joe's family, and my nephew Dane and his wife Callie. He is in Texas in the Air Force and she is visiting him there before he is sent off to his next post.

 

We all gathered together at my brother Dan's house in Williamsburg for Thanksgiving.  It was such an amazing day.  Our family really is so wonderful.  I use to think that is was my mom who brought us all together, and it probably was.  But what makes me so happy, is that with my mom gone now, we make the effort to get together and spend the Holidays together.  Even though we aren't always able to be physically together, we are all there in spirit, and I feel that.  Life is hard.  We all have our own families, responsibilities, schedules, etc. but we still make time.  We still find a way.  It isn't easy, it isn't spontaneous, but we make it happen. 

 

It is true, I cried like a baby when we had to leave Thanksgiving night so that we could get my dad back home so he could be ready for his dialysis treatment in the morning and the rest of my family, kids included, stayed behind and continued to celebrate together.  But, there were tears of joy mixed in with those tears of sadness.  Joy that my kids felt comfortable staying behind to spend the night with their aunt and uncle so that they could visit with them longer.  Joy that they were welcomed into my brother's home as if it were their own and could stay as long as they pleased.  Joy that no matter how much time passes between our visits with each other, we pick right up as if it was just a matter of hours that we were all together last. 

 

My family means the world to me.  I am the only girl and the youngest of four children.  I was and am still spoiled rotten.  NOT spoiled ever with material things, but spoiled with unconditional, un-wavering love from my family.  From my earliest memories, I have ALWAYS known that I was loved dearly by my mom, dad and all 3 of my older brothers.  I never, ever doubted for a minute or even a second that I was loved.  And I hope with all my heart that no one in my family has ever doubted my love for them.  Our family is not perfect.  We have our share of ups and downs and misunderstandings like all families do.  But love always prevails. 

 

I have been in some dark places recently in my mind.  This happens to me from time to time.  Bouts of depression are something that I battle constantly.  But this Holiday season, even with my depressive times, I am starting to see how lucky I really am.  I am fighting it and choosing to see the happy moments and the beauty in life.  It is easy for me to dwell in the sadness and darkness.  It is easy for me to be sad that my mom is not here to be with us.  But what I have realized is that doesn't change anything.  It won't bring my mom back and it won't make the memories I could be making, happy ones.  I know my mom would not want me sacrificing happiness in order to keep her memory alive.  That isn't necessary.  Her memory will be kept alive even if I am happy and am enjoying the life that I still have to live.  My mom loved the Holidays and would want all of us to enjoy them and

celebrate them as she raised us to do. 

 

The past two days, I have been doing a lot of thinking and soul searching.  Through my art, practicing yoga and just sitting and being, I have come to an inner peace and happiness I have not known in a while.  I am in charge of my happiness.  I am in charge of my misery.  It is my choice to be one or the other.  I choose happiness. 

 

I leave you with a few photos that I took of some of the things that make me happy.  Sites I see everyday that make me smile.  Simple, un-pretentious sites that make me happy.  May they make you smile too.  Happy Holidays to you all.

XXOO

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 



Preserving What We Have

 

Awwwww, September is here and along with it, the busy work that comes with having a large garden you wish to squeeze every bit it has to offer from.  At least that is how things are working out here at our home.  This year I am more determined than ever to can, dry, freeze, roast or ferment anything I can to keep it around longer.  Robby has been a huge help in this area because during the week when I am at my job, if it is raining and he can be outside getting work done, he will do some canning for us.  So far, he has canned our beans, spaghetti sauce, tomato juice and hot peppers. 

I have canned blackberry jam and concord grape jam.  I have also been slow oven roasting the tomatoes as I harvest them from the garden and put them in jars covered in olive oil to keep in the fridge.  They are so delicious!!!!!  I also have been making a lot of pesto with our basil and either freezing it in ice cube trays or filling 1/2 pint jars and freezing it.  I also made some Tomato Almond Pesto for a change and froze that in the ice cube trays too.  I found that recipe here at  Smitten Kitchen and highly recommend it.

I have always grown herbs in my garden but for whatever bizarre reason, I have never dried them at the end of the summer.  Not this year though, I have hung rosemary, thyme and oregano to dry and have frozen parsley and chives.  Next year I hope to have more variety of herbs to grow and later preserve.  I will continue to cut more branches of herbs as groups dry and hang them, but my space is limited as to where I can hang them so I must do them in batches.  Besides, I don't want to cut them all now and then not have anymore fresh herbs for the rest of the growing season.

Our root cellar is completed and as of now, all we have in it is our potatoes and garlic.  Our onions are still curing but will be added soon.  We have turnips planted and a second planting of beets that will be ready to dig in a few weeks that will also be put in the cellar.  I planted carrots again, but hold out little hope of them actually growing into anything worth harvesting.  I just can't seem to grow carrots to save my soul. Oh yeah, a friend of ours gave us a bunch of sweet potato plants and we still have those to harvest and place in the cellar.  I am anxious to see how the root cellar works this winter.  I am not going to lie, even though there is a light inside and a door, it still sort of freaks me out when I go into it.  I usually make Robby go with me but hope in time I will get over this silly fear of something I wanted so desperately.  Robby swears animals can't get inside of it, but I have seen these pesky little country critters get into just about anything they want, and I would imagine a dark cellar filled with yummy food would be a perfect place for them to want to hang out.  Once we get the root cellar full for the winter, I will take a picture to share and post a story about the construction of it.



Herbs to dry and to freeze



Our kitchen table is rarely cleared off enough to eat on this time of year.
It makes a great work station for prepping foods to preserve.





Classic Pesto placed in ice cube trays to freeze.

 

I think this looks more like ground meat in ice cube trays but in reality it is the
Tomato-Almond Pesto and it is delicious!

The aromas in my kitchen while all of this work goes on, is amazing.
It might look like a complete mess, but it is a fragrant mess!

My trusty Cuisinart.
I have had her a long time but she just keeps plugging along.

One of the things I love the most about living where we live and the friends that I have here, is that we all believe in bartering and trading.  Robby is a retired contractor and many times we have friends that call and ask for him to help with a project they want done.  This past winter, two of our closest friends, who were expecting their first child in a few months, were needing to renovate their kitchen.  They asked Robby for some help and direction and Robby was more than happy to help out.  January and February are his two least favorite months as hunting season is over and the weather can be too cold to get much done outside.  Jason is a cattle farmer and his wife Harrigan is one the most amazing young women I have ever met.  She has taught me so much about so many different things and she is 18 years younger than me, how is she so wise?  She puts me to shame with the preserving, fermenting, home baking and cooking she does.  And now she has also added amazing mother to her list of accomplishments.  Anyway, we agreed that for payment on the kitchen renovation, Jason would give us one of his steer and pay for the processing at our local slaughter house which is just up the road.  We would have our freezer filled with beef for the winter and they would have a beautiful new kitchen, sounded great to me!  This past weekend, the beef was ready for us to pick up and oh my goodness, do we ever have a freezer full of beef?  Good thing I have 4 sons who come home to eat and one who now lives on his own so I can help him keep his freezer full too.

We filled this extra freezer full and had a bit more to add into our other extra freezer in the house.  I turned the page on my calendar this month and to my surprise the verb for the month of September is BARTER.  I love it!!!!!!!  Harrigan and I did a much smaller scale of bartering recently.  She showed up at my house with this huge pan filled with concord grapes she had just picked from her husband's family's grape vines.  These vines have been around for about 4 generations.  I was floored and so appreciative.  In exchange for my grapes, I sent her home with fresh figs from my fig tree.  They had just started ripening and I was happy to share with her.



10 pounds of freshly picked Concord Grapes

These are my figs, clearly not ripe in this photo, but you get the idea.


So since I had these 10 pounds of delicious grapes staring me down, I needed to figure out what to do with them and fast.  So I looked up a great recipe for Concord Jam and got to it.



The finished product.

Yep, things have been busy around here on the weekends and it seems like before I know it, the week is starting back up.  I go off to work with my 16, two year olds everyday and come home too tired to hardly fix dinner.  It's nice to know there is so much in the pantry that I can just grab and easily transform into dinner or be able to still go out to the garden and pick our dinner.  I wish I could just spend every day doing what I do on the weekends, but in the mean time, I will cherish each and every opportunity I have to work on my sustainable lifestyle and improve upon it.  Winter will be here before we know it, and all this hard work will pay off.

Until those cold days settle in, enjoy your last days of Summer and try and find a way to make them last into the next few seasons.

Life Marches On

They are almost all gone.

This one....

he saw the world stretched out before him,
he chose a path, and he is gone.

 

California is where he calls home today.


His view from his job on the boardwalk in Venice Beach



New people, new beginnings and a new chapter.  It is where he hopes to make his dreams his reality.
I have all the same prayers and wishes for him, though everything is new for him.  His wandering soul has always supplied with me a long list of prayers that never seem to change.

This one...

he has a new home. His first of his own, which he shares with two friends. 
Junior year in college, part time job, new responsibilities and bills to pay.

He has a new love.

 

He has the world spread out before him also.

 

 

And must decide what path to take.

 

 



My prayers and wishes for him have changed a little.  They are of a more serious nature and direction.
(I think I liked it better when my prayers were as simple as "please let him score a goal at his soccer game today.)

This one...

he has started his first year of college.

He is off to enjoy freedom he's never had before and has to learn how to balance responsibility for his studies and time to have fun.

 

He has a laid back approach to life but yet is filled with a spirit that cannot be contained.  He has such a zest for life and will never know a stranger.

So much is learned about one's self, that freshman year away from home. Sometimes it is learned the easy way, and other times, the hard way.  Clearly my prayers and wishes for him have shifted.  Calling on guardian angels to watch over and protect!

And finally, this one....

 

still at home, but gone much of the time.
Junior year of high school, working part time, sports to be played, jam sessions with his musician friends and time split between his dad's house and mine.

He has managed it all so well, not sure how he juggles so many balls at one time. 

I would be lying if I said I didn't worry they may all come crashing down.  It's a lot for a 16 year old.
Once again, my prayers and wishes are of a more serious nature.

I worry, maybe more than I should.  It is just the way I am.  My kids are no different in reality from anyone else's except that they are mine.  My heart aches and beats rapidly and painfully when I think of the things that can go wrong.  I honestly did not think it would be this hard.  I honestly believed that my children growing up would make things easier, less scary.  But it doesn't.  The monsters are bigger and way more scary than the boogie man under the bed when they were little.  I don't know how to fight the grown-up evils that are just waiting to take hold of our kids when they let their guards down.  And it is the lack of that knowledge that eats at me everyday and keeps me from sleeping soundly at night.

But, each day the sun does rise and we have made it through another day.  It is my wish to savor each day and each new adventure and journey my kids have.  Not to fill them with the fear I have, but to encourage that same feeling of having the world by the horns, that I had when I was their age. 

Everything is possible and nothing can stop you!

Stuck

I have not written anything this summer.  I have taken so many pictures with the intentions of writing a post, but then don't.  My summer has been full and empty both at the same time.  Full with things I don't necessarily want to be doing and empty of the things I do want to do.  My mind is full of worry and racing thoughts concerning my kids and their futures, my dad and his health and the speed at which my life is flying by and the amount of time I spend not following my dreams and trying to make them come true.

I am stuck. 

I want to do more art, but I don't.  I want to spend time in my gardens making them prettier, but I don't.  I want to stay on top of the cleaning in my house every week, but I don't.  I want to make everything perfect for my kids, but I can't.  I want to take my dad's loneliness and sadness away, but I can't.  I want to start doing yoga again to see if it will help with my joint pains, but I don't. 

I am hoping this is just a phase and will soon pass. I am trying to find answers and am praying for some clarity. 

I hope to be back soon with happy posts and pictures.

The High and now for the Low

This is me writing for me.  What I would normally write in a journal that was for my eyes only, not for other people to read and where I have a little voice in the back of my head telling me to be mindful of what I write.

Yesterday was my 48th birthday and what a grand day it was.  Three of my amazing sons were here from Friday afternoon until late yesterday evening.  My son Reed brought his girlfriend who just happens to be a girl that worked in the same doctor's office as I did a few years ago.  She is wonderful and it made that whole awkward, getting to know someone stage, non-existent because we have been friends for years.  Having my kids around me, laughing, joking, talking, sleeping, eating, just being my kids, is just the greatest of joys to me.  We just have such a great time together and a bond that can never, ever be broken.  We are a goofy bunch and I am certain very different from many other families.  When they leave, it leaves such a hole in my heart.  The house is so quiet today and it is rainy and cloudy outside, so it just makes that hole seem even more gaping than usual.  I miss them.

We also had baby chick eggs hatching since Friday.  That has been stressful but is finally over.  Out of 21 eggs, only 12 of them hatched and survived.  This was a much more difficult incubating and hatching experience from what I remember from last year and our survival rate was not as good.  I am hoping all 12 will do well and continue to grow and live.  I am nervous to get to attached to them in case something should happen over the next few days.  One chick who had been born with what I thought was something called spraddle leg, died this morning.  I was afraid this would happen as she was not able to walk like the others.  I had band her legs to try and help her, but in the end, she wasn't strong enough and lost her short little battle.

Dad is also very sick right now which is making me so sad.  I don't know what to do for him to make him better, and what is being done for him, to make him better, makes him so sick feeling in the process.  His voice is so weak sounding on the phone and I know his body is weak too.  My birthday just wasn't the same without him feeling good.  He didn't even remember until the day before that it was my birthday.  He has just been feeling so bad and out of it.  He didn't even remember to tell me Happy Birthday when I talked to him yesterday morning but did remember when I talked to him last night.  He was so apologetic for forgetting and felt so bad.  I am not upset that he forgot my birthday but upset that he is so sick that this is happening.  I feel like I am losing him and it just makes me so sad.  I just really, really need for him to get better and be back to his normal self.  I just really, really need for my mom to be alive still to take care of him so he is not alone.  He is just sitting in his house, sick, all by himself with know way of making himself better.  When he goes to dialysis on  Monday, Wednesday and Friday, they do what they can to help make him better, but it's just not fast enough. I keep praying for him and I will not stop.  Yesterday as I thought about the fact that I was turning 48, I felt so conflicted about my reactions to daddy's being sick.  I am 48, just 2 years from 50.  My dad is 83 but yet I feel like a little girl whose daddy is sick.  When I think about my daddy, I don't view myself as a grown up who knows these things come with older age and that this process is inevitable.  I just think and feel like a little girl who doesn't want to see her daddy sick and doesn't know how to deal with it as a grown up.  I don't know how to accept it and realize it is the way things are. 

I need the sun to come back out to play, to light up the green freshness in the woods, to make the flowers lift their heads and rejoice in the brightness of the day, to make my seeds want to sprout and grow to the sky.  I need another day of hope and possibilities.  I need to feel it is all going to be okay and for yesterday's pure happiness to return, right now.

So this is Christmas........

 

Yes, this is Christmas.  This is what the season is about.  And this year, more than any, I have been reminding myself over and over again of this fact.  This year for me, like for many people, has been stressful, disappointing at times, difficult to navigate and then oh so wonderful all at the same time.

 

My word for 2012 was ACCEPTANCE and that is what I tried to remember.  Acceptance of everything....emotions I couldn't explain, changes in jobs, family situations I couldn't control, decisions people made that I was not in agreement with,  good things that happened to me I did not ask for and any and all other things that would come into my life.  I discovered that Acceptance was a tough word to chose.  It is so much easier at times not to accept things when they are not as we would want them to be.

 

This Christmas is one of those things I would rather not accept.  It is not the type of Christmas I would chose to have, but I have accepted that it is the best Christmas I can have this year.  So, while I sit here with my sweet husband, waiting for my boys to come from their Dad's house so that we may celebrate Christmas together, I want to share a few photos of how I finally pulled together a few decorations in our home this year.  Once I "accepted" the fact that Christmas would be different, I remembered what the season is really about and how lucky I am to have my family with me for any amount of time and that the part of my family which can't be physically with me, is still always in my heart and by my side. 

 

Merry Christmas to you all and may 2013 bring much love and happiness and acceptance to you all.