Life Marches On

They are almost all gone.

This one....

he saw the world stretched out before him,
he chose a path, and he is gone.

 

California is where he calls home today.


His view from his job on the boardwalk in Venice Beach



New people, new beginnings and a new chapter.  It is where he hopes to make his dreams his reality.
I have all the same prayers and wishes for him, though everything is new for him.  His wandering soul has always supplied with me a long list of prayers that never seem to change.

This one...

he has a new home. His first of his own, which he shares with two friends. 
Junior year in college, part time job, new responsibilities and bills to pay.

He has a new love.

 

He has the world spread out before him also.

 

 

And must decide what path to take.

 

 



My prayers and wishes for him have changed a little.  They are of a more serious nature and direction.
(I think I liked it better when my prayers were as simple as "please let him score a goal at his soccer game today.)

This one...

he has started his first year of college.

He is off to enjoy freedom he's never had before and has to learn how to balance responsibility for his studies and time to have fun.

 

He has a laid back approach to life but yet is filled with a spirit that cannot be contained.  He has such a zest for life and will never know a stranger.

So much is learned about one's self, that freshman year away from home. Sometimes it is learned the easy way, and other times, the hard way.  Clearly my prayers and wishes for him have shifted.  Calling on guardian angels to watch over and protect!

And finally, this one....

 

still at home, but gone much of the time.
Junior year of high school, working part time, sports to be played, jam sessions with his musician friends and time split between his dad's house and mine.

He has managed it all so well, not sure how he juggles so many balls at one time. 

I would be lying if I said I didn't worry they may all come crashing down.  It's a lot for a 16 year old.
Once again, my prayers and wishes are of a more serious nature.

I worry, maybe more than I should.  It is just the way I am.  My kids are no different in reality from anyone else's except that they are mine.  My heart aches and beats rapidly and painfully when I think of the things that can go wrong.  I honestly did not think it would be this hard.  I honestly believed that my children growing up would make things easier, less scary.  But it doesn't.  The monsters are bigger and way more scary than the boogie man under the bed when they were little.  I don't know how to fight the grown-up evils that are just waiting to take hold of our kids when they let their guards down.  And it is the lack of that knowledge that eats at me everyday and keeps me from sleeping soundly at night.

But, each day the sun does rise and we have made it through another day.  It is my wish to savor each day and each new adventure and journey my kids have.  Not to fill them with the fear I have, but to encourage that same feeling of having the world by the horns, that I had when I was their age. 

Everything is possible and nothing can stop you!

Stuck

I have not written anything this summer.  I have taken so many pictures with the intentions of writing a post, but then don't.  My summer has been full and empty both at the same time.  Full with things I don't necessarily want to be doing and empty of the things I do want to do.  My mind is full of worry and racing thoughts concerning my kids and their futures, my dad and his health and the speed at which my life is flying by and the amount of time I spend not following my dreams and trying to make them come true.

I am stuck. 

I want to do more art, but I don't.  I want to spend time in my gardens making them prettier, but I don't.  I want to stay on top of the cleaning in my house every week, but I don't.  I want to make everything perfect for my kids, but I can't.  I want to take my dad's loneliness and sadness away, but I can't.  I want to start doing yoga again to see if it will help with my joint pains, but I don't. 

I am hoping this is just a phase and will soon pass. I am trying to find answers and am praying for some clarity. 

I hope to be back soon with happy posts and pictures.

Where Has The Time Gone?

 I cannot believe it has been over a month since I have posted.  Where has the time gone?  When I left off last time, I had just been hired for my new job.  Now it is a month later and I am finally back to say something about it.  Crazy!!!!  Or cray, cray as I have learned is the new way of saying crazy.  Hmmmmmm, not sure how I like that one.  Anyway.  I do know the last time I wrote, the Sunflowers I had planted in the middle of my veggie and herb garden had not begun to bloom, nor had they grown to their over 10 feet tall loveliness.  I planted them in memory of my mom.  Her favorite flower was the Sunflower and I couldn't imagine having a garden this year without them in it.  I do believe mom had a bit of her green thumb in our gardens this year.  They have never been as pretty or as prolific as this year.  Our veggie garden has provided us with food all summer long and a pantry full of canned yumminess to last through the winter.  It helped that I was home for most of the season to nurture and talk sweetly to my gardens everyday, but I am sure mama was helping me too:)

As much as I have loved having my garden to pottle around in, I am ready for the season to be done.  The plants are starting to die, the bugs are starting to creep me out, the grasshoppers have feasted on bits and pieces of this and that, my chooks have pecked at the tomatoes they can reach and the fall grass is starting to put up a good fight.  I am ready to settle in and start my Fall/Winter projects.  Learning to crochet and knit well enough to make something, spending quality time with Molly whipping up some granny chic frocks and other goodies, baking breads, making homemade soups and staying warm by the wood stove.  I LOVE fall and winter!!!!!!!!  However, if it hadn't been for such a prosperous summer, our pantry wouldn't be full of tomato juice, tomato sauce, green beans, peppers, potatoes and onions.  It is all worth the work and effort.

So what else have I been doing the past month?  Well, I started my new job which is working with 2 year olds and a local University's child care center.  I am having so much fun!!!  I love the teacher I work with and feel we are a great match.   The kids are amazing, both challenging and rewarding all at the same time.  Each and everyone is very different.  Different home environments make for very different children.  This is something I try very hard to remember when interacting and relating to my new friends.  For 9 hours a day, 5 days a week, I have the responsibility of trying to provide the best and healthiest environment for these kids to be in.  I can't control their home life, but I can do my very best to make their time with me, a wonderful and meaningful time.  When my children were very little, and I would see that I was losing my patience with them.  I would stop and look at their little hands.  Their tiny hands would remind me that they are just little people trying to learn the rules and the ways of a very big world.  For the most part, the things they did "wrong" were not intentional and weren't done with evil intent.  Therefore getting angry with them did not help the situation.  Having the patience to explain to them why certain actions were unacceptable took more time, but in my mind, would result in a better understanding of how not to act.   Making myself have the patience to do that, over and over again, with 10-13 two year olds all day, could have the ability to be a bit trying.  But it is what I have chosen to do.  These kids give unconditional love all day long to those of us who work with them.  We may discipline them and correct them time and time again, but 2 minutes after we have made them sad or cry because we corrected them, they are in our laps asking for a story to be read, wanting to have us play with them on the floor or "time" them as they race around the playground in their new tennis shoes that make them run "real fast."  When I come back from my lunch break, just as they are waking up from their naps, I am greeted by a chorus of "Hi Miss Debbie, I had a really good nap today!!"  They are filled with sweetness and joy and I feel it is my job to make sure they stay that way.  It is also my job to help them learn how to get along with others, share their toys, use kind words when they get angry, be respectful of others and basically just learn to be a part of society.  Their little minds are like sponges and they really do learn so fast.  They are already learning Spanish and Sign Language.  I am certain I did not know either of those when I was 2.  This has been a great fit for me so far.  The days go by so fast, and before I know it, the weekend is here again. 

My boys head back to school tomorrow.  This year I will  have a senior and a sophomore in high school and a sophomore in college.  My oldest is living at home with Robby and I trying to figure out where his life is going to take him.  We are trying to gently make him realize his life will take him where ever he sets his sights.  I feel that good things are on the edge of happening for him and am hoping and praying for this to be true.  It is so hard as a parent to see a child not being able to move forward, either because of lack of desire or lack of belief that they can.  I am not quite sure which is the cause right now, but am trying very hard to help beat whichever the cause may be.  It is such a contrast working with two year olds and their biggest worry may be that they forgot to bring something for Show & Tell or that they don't want to take a nap and then having my sons being the ages that they are and all the concerns and worries that come with that. 

So that has pretty much been my life over the past month.  Busy but wonderful.  My baby chooks are almost as big as their mamas and their daddy.  My lovely Penny has decided to sit on 2 eggs, so it looks as if we will have 2 more babies in another week and a half or so.  It will be fun to watch her be a mama to 2 babies since I was the mama to the last 16.  I leave you with a few pictures that kind of sum up the past month.  I promise not to be gone so long again.  I have my new schedule down pretty good now and have adjusted to my new routine.  Have a great week everyone:)









Mother's Day Pity Party

No nice way to say it.....today sucks!!!!!  For all of you moms who are celebrating your mother's day with your kids, I am so happy for you.  For all of you kids who have a mom to celebrate Mother's Day with, I am so jealous of you.  Me?  Today I don't have either and I am sulking in a BIG way!!!!!

Yesterday, this is how I got to celebrate Mother's Day with my mom.

My dad, one of my brother's and one of my dad's nurses from dialysis and I went to put flowers on my mom's marker.  Happy day, wooo hoooo!!!!!!!  It's a crock of poo that this is how I have to celebrate Mother's Day with my mom now.  It sucks!!!!!!  Even if my flowers from my garden made her marker look pretty, it still sucks.

Last year I bought her a really pretty hand painted glass candle holder for Mother's Day and went to Richmond to see her.  I took her flowers that day too and left her gift here in Edinburg by mistake, duh!!!!  When she went to dialysis that following Monday with my dad, the patients there asked her what all of her children had given her for Mother's Day and she said i gave her some cut flowers.  They all asked her if that was all I had really given her and she said yes.  Boy did i feel like a rotten daughter.  I had told her I had a gift for her that I had actually bought back at the beginning of April  but had forgotten to bring it with me, but I think she didn't really believe me.  I took it to her the next time I went home to visit she and my dad, and that is when she told me about what the patients had said to her at dialysis.  I told her to make sure she told them I had brought her belated gift to her so they wouldn't think I was such an awful daughter.  What I would do to have her here this year to do something dumb like that again.  I like to think she and her mom, my grandmother, are having a great day spending Mother's Day together for the first time in a long time.  And I do hope she saw the flowers I brought for her this year too.

My kids are with their dad and their brand new step-mom.  Their dad got remarried yesterday so I guess they are celebrating Step-Mom's day with the new step mom.  Do I sound bitter?  Yes, of course I do.  Planning a wedding on Mother's Day weekend so your kids can't see their mom for mother's day is mean.  Okay, I will give him the fact that when he set the date, he didn't know my mom wouldn't be alive on this Mother's Day and that it may be an extra tough day for me, but still.  He could have given them the car keys and told them to drive here for the day and surprise me, couldn't he have?  I'm sorry, I am being childish and selfish, but it's my blog and this is why I have it...so I can write what is really bothering me.  If I say all of this out loud, I just start crying hysterically and feel even more crappy afterwards.  This way I can pound on the keyboard as i type all of this out and it gives me a little bit of satisfaction. 

My Mother's Day post was going to be a really sweet post about how wonderful my mom is, was.  I was going to go down memory lane and tell about the funniest, happiest moments I remember with my mom.  I was going to talk about how she had the patience of a saint with me because I was really a difficult daughter for her at times.  I never let a year go by that i did not disappoint her in some way or another but yet, she was always there for me.  It's no wonder her hair turned gray so fast after she had me.  If I didn't agree with something she said, I never kept my mouth shut about it like my brother's did when they were younger. NO, I had to just get right up in her face and tell her I was right and she was wrong.  (know what?  she was actually always right, but at the time I couldn't see the forest for the trees)  This post was going to be a tribute to my mom, but in all of my selfish misery today, I can't seem to sit down and write gushy sweet stuff.  I feel it in my heart, and I have written the gushy, sweet stuff in other posts.  But today, just bitter, foul nastiness is all that I feel.

So there you have it, my Mother's Day Pity Party.  I am now going to conclude my party and try to make something positive come from the rest of my day.  I am going outside to play with my chickens, find where Ebony disappears too everyday, hope she has a nest filled with eggs she is almost ready to sit on, and later on cook a yummy steak on the grill with my loving and very patient Robby.  I really do wish all of you moms a super Mother's Day and please forgive my ranting and raging.

Debbie



Following My Heart

Happy 2012 to All.

I am looking forward to this year

being a year of firsts for me.

I want life changes that I make happen.

Since my mom passed away,

I have become a different person.

I cannot explain it to anyone,

not even to myself.

But it is a sincere appreciation for life

and a driving force to want to be

a better person, that I have never felt before.

This year I want to dedicate much of my time
to being at home working on myself.
I want to work on being a better parent, a better child,
better wife and just a better person.
Through my art and through my faith,
I want to grow as a person.

I wish I could say what I feel inside,
but for the first time in a long time,
I am at a loss for words to explain myself.
Today I started Gina Armfields workshop called
No More Excuses.
I am really looking forward to everyday having something
to do in an art journal.  I have been preparing my journal
 for the past 3 months. 
It was really nic to finally be able to do some art in it.

On the 9th of this month, I will begin Jeanne Oliver's
Creatively Made Workshop.
Words CANNOT express how excited I am for this class.
I wish I could go to a class in person, that would have all the
instructors she is having at one time.  That would be heaven for me.
Between these two workshops, I feel certain I will be able to move
myself forward in my desire to pursue my creative side.
It will be through my art that I will best be able to express
what I no longer can find words for.

I would like to share a few pictures of today's entries into my journal.
Each month and day has an assignment, so what you see will probably have no
meaning whatsoever. 

I wish all of you a very happy 2012 and that the year brings you all
incredible happiness and fulfillment.
God Bless all of you.

New Year's Eve with our dear friends and one out of four of my kids.

The colors and words that come to mind when I think of January.

January's writing assignment.

My January words.

A Healing Christmas

Christmas for me this year took on a whole new meaning.

It was hard at first to get into the spirit of Christmas.

Or at least, the commercial spirit of Christmas.

I had no desire to buy gifts for anyone.

All I wanted to give was the profound feeling of love

that I had in my heart for my family.

But I didn't know how to wrap that up and give it as a gift.

So, I went to my art corner, and started creating.

I decided the best way to show my love and to start healing my heart,

was to make something with my hands and let my heart tell me what to do.

So, I did.

My 3 nieces ended up being the recipients of my creations.

Once I knew who I would be making my canvases for, the rest was fairly easy.

My oldest niece has moved far from her family and from me.  We don't get to see each

other very often, which I hate.  But I think she is a very brave woman to have moved

as far away as she has and begin her life with her fiance.  He is in the military and he has to leave her quite often.  She doesn't really know too many people where she lives so I imagine she

has some rough days.  I wanted her to know that no matter where she is in her life, she is

just where she is suppose to be.  And for her to believe in the journey that is her life.

God has a plan for her and all she has to do is believe and it will all take care of itself.

This is the canvas I made for her.

The butterfly has a tough journey before it gets to emerge as the beautiful

creature I know and love.  It's life is filled with challenges to reach it's goal

and finally be able to make it's cocoon and morph.  So for me, the butterfly

represents what hard work and belief in the journey can bring.  You just have to believe.

That is the same way I feel for Jessica.  If she believes, she will be amazed

by the beautiful life she and Joe are destined for.  So that is my wish for her.

Jess's sister Kristina, is also a beautiful soul.  Her faith in God is unyielding and cannot

be shaken.  I admire her so much for her convictions.  Oddly enough, I have learned so much

more about my own faith, because of her.  Isn't it funny how much a 20 year old can teach

a 46 year old without even realizing they are doing it?

I found one of her favorite bible verses, and decided to let it

be what would inspire my canvas for her.

Even though I knew exactly what I was going to do for hers, I struggled with it a lot.

I could not get the colors the way I saw them in my head.  I kept messing with it,

and messing with it and finally just had to stop and say enough already.

Some day I want to make her another one that I feel looks a little better, but I decided

I would still give her this one, knowing that she would understand the love that

went into it, regardless of how it may look.  She made me so happy when

she told me on Christmas day that she had already hung it in her room.

Last but not least, is my niece Meredith. 

She is my youngest niece at the sweet age of 17.

I had been looking at Christy Tomlinsons blog

and looking at her tutorial videos and came across

the tutorial for this canvas.  I immediately thought of

Meredith and her bright, cheery personality.  The colors are

not colors I would normally use in a canvas, but they were so fitting

for her and the happy, cheerful feeling of this canvas.

She and I are always talking about boys and whether or not there is

any special someone in her life, so I know that love or the

possibility of love is always in the air for her.

 If  you want to make this canvas too, you can click on this link and check it out.

Scarlet Lime...Love is in the air.

So after I made all of those for my nieces, I was in the  Spiritual Mood for Christmas.

AND I even felt like going and getting some gifts from the stores.  And I was in a much

better mind set and knew exactly what I was doing for everyone and felt good bout my purchases.

We had a Secret Santa drawing at work, and I made this an opportunity to make more art.

I got the idea from the

http://christytomlinson.typepad.com/christytomlinson/12-artsy-ornaments-of-christmas-workshop.html

You can still do this workshop I believe even though Christmas is over.  It has great ideas that

you can do now for next Christmas if you are still

in the Christmasy mood.

I made the paper Christmas Tree canvas.  I loved, loved, loved making it and
was very happy with how it turned out.  I think my friend whose name I picked, liked it too.
My secret Santa was amazing and bought me Copic Sketch pens, 2 new Somerset magazines,
and watercolor paper.  I was over the moon about my gift.

Okay, here is Angelica's Secret Santa gift.

 

So, when all was said and done, I was ready for Christmas.  My daddy came and spent Christmas with us and all 4 of my boys were with us too.  I will post more about that later and have fun
Christmas pictures to share, but will leave you with this picture of me, my boys and my
dad.  Poor Robby, he never gets to be in the pics because
he is usually taking them.  Sorry about the quality of the picture,
my camera has been acting up lately and making me ANGRY.

But this makes me happy:

 

Dear Mama....

Dear Mama,
It has been a week and 3 days since you were taken from me.  I hope that you are loving Heaven and are having a wonderful time catching up with your mom & dad, your brothers and sister and all of the your other loved ones that you have met back up with.  Also, just wondering, have you found Sandra Bullock's mom yet and told her that people always tell me they think I look like her?  I had a very dear patient at work die yesterday, and I was hoping maybe you could meet up with him and show him the ropes.  I am sure you have already checked all of Heaven out, so you would be a great tour guide.  His name is Mr. Dutton, look him up okay?
Life down here is not the same without you.  For such a tiny, little lady, you have left a big, gaping hole in my life and in our family.  Daddy is doing okay, but there is a light in his eyes that has gone.  It's a light that burned bright for about 60 years, and now is gone.  I hope in time, his memories will be enough to spark that light again. It may not burn as bright as it use to, but hopefully it will at least flicker.  You would be so proud of Billy, Danny, Stephen and I.  We have really pulled together and rallied together for daddy and each other.  You may not have realized how many values you instilled in us, but I hope that you can now see what an amazing job you did with each of us. 
So mama, I have to tell you sorry for several things.  I am so sorry I didn't realize how difficult your life was.  You placed so many demands on yourself and expected so much of yourself.  You tried to tell me at times how hard things were from time to time, and I just told you I understood and that I was sorry.  I told you not to worry so much about things and just let them go.  After having tried miserably to take your place for a week, I now understand what you were saying.  Your life was so hard.  The amount of work you tried to accomplish in a day, the worries you had over daddy's dialysis and his diet, how you wanted the house to stay clean all the time and have the yard looking so beautiful.  You made it look so effortless, and yet, it is soooo hard.  Why could I not see that when you were here.  Why did it take you leaving for me to understand the depth of your worry and the magnitude of the amount of stress you were under.  You and daddy just continued to move forward and though at times you may have let out a heavy sigh, you never really  complained.  At least not so that I would look deeper into your complaints.  How I wish I had known better what your daily life consisted of.  You always said none of us had any idea what it was like, and you are right.  I now have a much better idea, but it's too late.  You are no longer here for me to relieve.  I can't come help you and give you a break.  But, when I really think about it, I know you probably would not have taken a break.  Your love for daddy and his well being and health, was the driving force in all you did.  For better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish from that day forward until death do you part.  You and daddy breathed and lived those vows day in and day out.  I always told you both on your Anniversary, what an honor it is to say my parents have stayed married all those years.  I have always been so proud of you both for your loyalty to each other.  It is because of that pride in you, that when my first marriage was falling apart, I could  not bear to tell you.  It is why I took the cowardly way out and wrote you all a letter telling you I was getting divorced instead of calling you and telling you over the phone or coming to see you in person.  I know the 58 years were not easy.  You and daddy had many hard times and we kids, didn't always make it easy.  But you never gave up and you never turned on each other.  You turned to each other, and together you made it through.  I was so disappointed in myself when Gary and I couldn't do that, and having to tell you was more than I could face.  For that I am sorry, because had I given you the chance, you would have been there for me and made it a less difficult time for me.  Rest assure though, my marriage to Robby is built on the firm foundation of your and daddy's marriage, and I will make you proud of the life Robby and I have together.  We won't live to be able to celebrate 58 years I don't imagine, but we will live each year together to the fullest, nurturing our love for each other, every single day.
I wish I had known that you were going to be leaving so soon.  I always wanted to have a chance to discuss something with you.  I wanted for you and I to decide on a "sign" or a code word, something that you could do for me so that when you died and arrived in Heaven, you could let me know you made it okay.  Something that would let me know on really bad days, that you were there helping me along and guiding me.  I couldn't ever think of a good time to bring up that subject because I never wanted to think of a day that you would not be here for me.  Oh how I wish I had just had that talk.  Yesterday Beauty and I went for a walk outside, and I just sat by one of my gardens and stared up into the sky looking for you.  I thought maybe a cloud would form in the shape of your beautiful face, or maybe a breeze would blow against my cheek or whisper in my ear.  There were no such signs.  But I will keep looking.  You will do something to let me know you are there, I am sure of it.
Before I close for now, I have one more big favor.  Because I am certain you can see all that is life on earth now, I am begging of you to please watch over my boys.  Right now I am especially asking you to stay with Garrett.  He is in a place that I cannot reach.  I am sure you noticed his abscense at your funeral and you know that it was not because of lack of love for you.  Garrett loved you so very much mama, and still does.  I cannot tell you his reasons as I do not know them myself.  I pray that whatever demons he is battling, he is able to overcome soon.  I am sick with worry for him and feel helpless.  If you could just please stay with him and gently guide him from harm, it would mean so much to me.  I do not know what fate has planned for him, and there is only so much any of us can do, but any help from you I can get would be so appreciated.  And of course in your spare time, you can hang out with Reed, Evan and Trevor too and gently push them in the right directions also.
I am going to do something that you will not approve of at all.  I am going to post a few more pictures of you.  They help me to remember happy times and look at your beautiful face.  You always hated having your picture taken.  I wish you could have seen yourself the way we all did and do.  A beautiful woman with a bright happy smile and eyes that poured out love.  I love you mama and miss you so much.
Love always,
Doodle Bug





Mom and her little brother Pete. Late 1930's



Mom and me when I was 8 months old, December 1965.






















Mom in the early 1980's in her favorite room, the kitchen.  Even loading the dishwasher, she kept on smiling.



My graduation from college, May 1986.  A day that I know she was proud of me for.























Nana with all of her grandsons.  This was a hard Christmas for she and daddy, but the boys made them laugh.  Can't imagine why.  December 25, 2009.





Nana pinning the boutinere on Trevor at my wedding, May 22, 2010.



























A beautiful moment for my mom and dad at my wedding. May 22, 2010.



The whole crazy family trying to pose for a family portrait.  Formality was never something we have been good about.
Again, at my wedding on May 22, 2010.  The last time we were all together as a family.