I'm Trying

Faith is not something I have always had.  I mean, I guess I have had it, but I never really felt it.  So, I guess that means I didn't really have it.  It's funny how when you lose someone you are so very, very close to, like the two people who created you and brought you into this world, you start to feel like you have to have faith, you have to believe.  You have to believe that there is something greater that their souls go to when they leave this world.  That their bodies don't just rot in the ground or in a coffin and that is the end.  I can't believe that, I won't believe that.  What is the point to our lives if that is all there is in the end?

There have been few times when I have really felt like I needed to have something bigger to hold on to.  When I had to believe or I could simply not carry on.  I begged for there to be more and for a second chance once when I was looking death in the face and I have begged for there to be more when my mom died.  Now that my dad has died also, I have decided that simply begging isn't enough.  I have to believe.  I have to commit.  I have to not doubt that which I cannot see.  How can I expect there to be more when I won't commit to believing that there is?  And more importantly, what do I have to lose?  If there isn't more, then i will never know the difference.  But if there is more, oh my goodness, why would I want to miss out on that simply because I wouldn't believe?

It will be a process, it will be a time of learning and questioning.  It will be a journey but one I am willing to take.  I am so blessed to have people in my life willing to teach me, to walk beside me and help me.  There is something bigger.  I have to believe it, I have to live it, I have to let it into my heart.  If I ever want to stop not allowing myself to see the joy in the Holidays and the birthdays that come along, the Mother's Days and the Father's Days that I no longer can celebrate, the anniversaries, the start of the new Seasons, then I have to believe that there is something MORE!!!  That God IS. That my mom and dad are exactly where they BELIEVED they would be when their spirits left this world.  That they are together again, maybe not as husband and wife, but as something even more amazing and wonderful.  That I will see them again.  So this Advent Season, I am beginning my journey.  I may stumble along the way, I may have my doubts, but I will stick with it and I will find  my way.  It may not be by this January, when dad and mom would have both celebrated their birthdays, it may not be by April, when they would have celebrated another year of marriage, but it will happen.

My New Year's Mantra

Today makes 2 months since daddy passed on.

Today, I came up with 2015's Mantra:

I CHOOSE HAPPINESS

This will be the last mantra I ever set for a New Year and I am starting it now.

There never needs to be another one.

This one covers it all.

With Happiness in my heart,

fear, sadness, anger, grief and guilt

have no room.

Happiness in my heart only makes room for 

LOVE.

Today was an awakening.

Nothing out of the ordinary,

just an understanding that came over me.

Another dream a few nights ago,

telling me again that they are okay,

and to please LIVE.

Live with Happiness.

Life is for the Living.

I spent some time outside today.

It was rainy, cloudy, dreary by anyone's standards.

But I sat down and the chickens came over to me,

my dog laid down next to me,

the birds darted and chirped around me.

All of the simple beauty of my life became so clear to me.

I couldn't help but smile and laugh.

I took this photo with my Ipod

and when I looked at it,

I saw it.

Pure Happiness.

Yes, life is good.

Life is for the living.

I am ALIVE.

And so, 

though I will never stop missing you both

and wishing you were physically with me.

I will move forward and live my life

the way you loved to see me live it.

Full of laughter, love, little adventures

and crazy ideas.

And I will know you are there,

watching, rolling your eyes, smiling and laughing.

Today and for now on

I CHOOSE HAPPINESS!

Three Weeks Later

It's been three weeks since we said our final good byes.  The days go so slow and finding purpose in my days is a challenge.  I still go to cal you, morning and night, checking the clocks to see if it is time or if I am late.  Sometimes I still call, just to hear your voice on the message saying you can't get to the phone.
Last night I had such a vivid dream, though I know not of it's meaning.  It was Easter, a Holiday of celebrating re-birth.  I was home in my childhood neighborhood.  The church that was once across the street on the hill, that is now a Masonic Lodge, was a church again.  Crowds of people were gathering for Easter services and activities.  Family  members hiding Easter Eggs for a hunt that would happen later.   So many people gathering to celebrate a Holy Day.  I drove around the block, over and over again, past our house, but no one was ever home.  No car in the driveway, no main front door open and you standing at the storm door awaiting our arrival, no sign of life at all.  What struck me though was how bright WHITE everything was.  Everyone was wearing white and there was such a brightness and clarity to everything.  It frightened me, it was all so familiar but yet all so strange.  I just continued driving around the block, waiting for something to change, for some sign of life at my childhood home.  I watched everyone else and marveled at how happy and at peace they all were and wished I could stop, get out of my car and join them.  But I couldn't, I didn't belong.
I finally woke from that dream and remembered it so vividly.  All day I thought of  it and thought I had best write it down in hopes it would then leave my conscious and subconscious being.  It's clarity has haunted me all day and made me uncomfortable.
Three weeks have passed since I said my last good byes to you.  Three weeks of trying to understand that I will never see you on this earth again, that you will never be coming home to your things, will never complain to me again about all the solicitors that call you and all the junk you get in the mail.  Three weeks of not having been able to say good-bye the way I would want to say good-bye when I know it is the last time I will ever be able to say it again.  I wish you had come to me in that dream, i wish you had been standing in the doorway or driven up in your car.  I wish you never left and I wish I never had to say good-bye.

PS......please tell mom I love her and miss her oh so very much.

Using my Art

Everyday the mail brings more forms to fill out and mail back.  More ugly ways to remember my dad is no longer here with us.  When my mom passed, this didn't happen, but now that they are both gone, the paper work doesn't end.  Reading a Will that is written in the first person and hearing my dad's voice as I read words he would never actually speak in the real world is something I just can't bring myself to do.  I made it through less than half way, of the first paragraph and broke down sobbing. Not sure I will ever go back and read that paper......instead I handed it to Robby and asked him to just tell me what it is I need to do.

Through it all, I turn to the things that help me the most, my art and my family.  I am trying really hard to stay on top of my emotions and not let myself slip into a state that requires medication to get me out of.  Been there, done that, really don't want to re-visit that ugly place again.  Today, I made this entry in a journal I am doing for an on-line art class called "Kingdom Come".  I love the words to the song that accompanied the lesson and decided to include them in my journal entry.  This song continues to play over and over again in my head.  I believe it may just help.

 Oceans

Where Feet May Fail

Dear Mom

Dear Mom,
It is Sunday night, 5 days after your 82nd birthday.  I am sure it was quite the celebration for you and I imagined all day on Tuesday how you, your mom and dad, Uncle Danny, Uncle Pete and Aunt Janie must be spending the day.  I sang you Happy Birthday and you were kind enough to give me a snow day to stay home and celebrate your day.  Had you been alive and here with me, I know we would have spent it in the snow building snowmen and using my hats and scarves to dress them with.  Then you would have insisted on us making Snow Cream to eat with a Fresh Coconut Cake I would have baked for you.  We would have eaten that early in the day of course so that we could make huge banana splits together to eat in the evening.  Remember how I would come home to Richmond for your birthday and would stop somewhere first and buy a Banana Split to bring home to you and one for me and Butter Pecan ice cream for dad?  You didn't care if you got a present, just as long as we could have our ice cream together.  I looked forward to your birthdays for that reason almost as much as I look forward to my own birthday, hahahaha.  So I guess my question for you is, do they have banana splits in heaven and if so, are they as good as they are here on earth?

Yesterday, Robby and I went home to spend the day with dad.  We went out to the cemetery to spend some time with you but it was sooooo cold.  There was still snow on the ground and the pond was partially frozen.  But the ducks were still out on the pond and the fountain still ran.  As you know, I always feel such peace when I am there to visit.  How I wish I was able to come every week so that we could spend more time together.  I always have so much to tell you, even though I have conversations with you everyday on my 84 mile commute to and from work.  Somehow it just isn't the same talking to you in my car, all alone, as it is when I am sitting there at the cemetery where we said our last goodbyes.  I am sure the people who pass me on 81 often wonder who on earth I am talking to, hahahaha.

Once we got back to the house, Bill came over and brought his girlfriend Teri over for us to meet.  Jess, Joe and Olivia came over too.  It was so nice to see Bill so happy and Teri is a really wonderful girl.  She was so easy to talk to and is very down to earth.  You would have liked her very much, of that I am certain.  It was so great to see Jess and Joe.  They are such a cute couple and Olivia is just the sweetest little bundle of love.  You know me and babies, I had to have my hands on her the whole time they were visiting.  Even when she was crying, I didn't want to hand her back over to Jess, I just wanted to find the way to soothe her and make her happy.  She loves to stand up and hold onto your fingers and dance.  And let me tell you, she is quite the little dancer for a 6 month old.  It is so great to have a baby around again.  Brings back such wonderful memories of Garrett, Reed, Evan and Trevor.  Daddy loves that little cutie pie too, very much.  It is so cute to see him hold her and talk to her.  I know he never thought he would see the day that he would become a Great Papa.

Leaving dad to come back home is never easy.  I hate leaving him in that house alone with nothing but memories.  But you would be so proud of how well he is doing.  He stays busy in his playhouse and just finished his 16th clock.  He has no idea who he will be giving this one to, but he made it anyway.  As nervous as it makes me thinking of him in that playhouse alone with power tools, electric saws and his other "toys", I know it is his therapy and it is what gets him through each and every day.  I believe that you watch over him when he is in there and protect him from harm.

As for me, I have come a long way from where I was this time 2 years ago.  I don't miss you any less, if anything I miss you more.  But I have been able to heal some and know in my heart you are in a better place.  I feel your presence when I need you the most and know that you are right there with me.  I know you have been watching over my boys and see the wonderful things they are doing in their lives.  I know you know that I am in a loving place in my life and am the happiest and most at peace with myself and my life as I have ever been.  Each and everyday seems to bring me a little more peace than the day before.  I don't know what exactly to attribute this overwhelming sense of calm and contentment too, but I am so grateful for it.  Good things keep coming to me and an inner strength I have never known before has taken up home in my soul.  Burdens and guilt I have carried with me for years have been lifted.  Life is good!!

Well, I guess that is all I have to say for now.  I love you so and wish so much that I could call you on the phone like I always did on Sundays.  It doesn't seem fair that I get to talk to you whenever I want, but I never get to hear you talk back.  Funny how that is, right?  There were so many times when I was younger that I would have given anything not hear you talk back when I was talking to you, or screaming at you, or crying at you.  Now I would give anything and everything just to hear one more word come from your mouth.

Happy Birthday, my dear sweet momma.  I love you with every fiber of my being.
Your loving daughter,
Doodle Bug

Life Marches On

They are almost all gone.

This one....

he saw the world stretched out before him,
he chose a path, and he is gone.

 

California is where he calls home today.


His view from his job on the boardwalk in Venice Beach



New people, new beginnings and a new chapter.  It is where he hopes to make his dreams his reality.
I have all the same prayers and wishes for him, though everything is new for him.  His wandering soul has always supplied with me a long list of prayers that never seem to change.

This one...

he has a new home. His first of his own, which he shares with two friends. 
Junior year in college, part time job, new responsibilities and bills to pay.

He has a new love.

 

He has the world spread out before him also.

 

 

And must decide what path to take.

 

 



My prayers and wishes for him have changed a little.  They are of a more serious nature and direction.
(I think I liked it better when my prayers were as simple as "please let him score a goal at his soccer game today.)

This one...

he has started his first year of college.

He is off to enjoy freedom he's never had before and has to learn how to balance responsibility for his studies and time to have fun.

 

He has a laid back approach to life but yet is filled with a spirit that cannot be contained.  He has such a zest for life and will never know a stranger.

So much is learned about one's self, that freshman year away from home. Sometimes it is learned the easy way, and other times, the hard way.  Clearly my prayers and wishes for him have shifted.  Calling on guardian angels to watch over and protect!

And finally, this one....

 

still at home, but gone much of the time.
Junior year of high school, working part time, sports to be played, jam sessions with his musician friends and time split between his dad's house and mine.

He has managed it all so well, not sure how he juggles so many balls at one time. 

I would be lying if I said I didn't worry they may all come crashing down.  It's a lot for a 16 year old.
Once again, my prayers and wishes are of a more serious nature.

I worry, maybe more than I should.  It is just the way I am.  My kids are no different in reality from anyone else's except that they are mine.  My heart aches and beats rapidly and painfully when I think of the things that can go wrong.  I honestly did not think it would be this hard.  I honestly believed that my children growing up would make things easier, less scary.  But it doesn't.  The monsters are bigger and way more scary than the boogie man under the bed when they were little.  I don't know how to fight the grown-up evils that are just waiting to take hold of our kids when they let their guards down.  And it is the lack of that knowledge that eats at me everyday and keeps me from sleeping soundly at night.

But, each day the sun does rise and we have made it through another day.  It is my wish to savor each day and each new adventure and journey my kids have.  Not to fill them with the fear I have, but to encourage that same feeling of having the world by the horns, that I had when I was their age. 

Everything is possible and nothing can stop you!

The Morning Started Like This.....

Have you ever had those days,
where you just knew,
it was going to be perfect?

Last Wednesday
was one of those days.

I meant to write
about it sooner,
but just never got
around to it.

So here is how it went.

I woke up feeling good,
which was a nice change.

Driving to work
the sunrise was so beautiful,
I knew my mom was in
that sunrise telling me
she loved me and
to have a great day.

Listening to Mumford and Sons
on my IPod in the car,
the song Roll Away Your Stone
came on and as odd as this sounds,
the trucks crossing on the over pass,
looked as if they were driving to the beat of the song.
(you really had to be there for that one, I know it sounds weird,
but it made me smile)

And at another perfect moment in a song,
I looked up and four geese were flying overhead.
They too seemed to be a sign for me.

After all of these signs,
an incredible feeling of well being
came over me.
Ever since that Wednesday,
a week ago,
I have had such a peace within me.

Life just seems a little sweeter,
dreams seem a little more real,
and worries seem a little less worrisome.

I hope all of you have moments like this
when the powers that be
let you know you are not alone.
Someone is watching out and over you.

Here's wishing you all a very lovely weekend
filled with love and happiness.

So this is Christmas........

 

Yes, this is Christmas.  This is what the season is about.  And this year, more than any, I have been reminding myself over and over again of this fact.  This year for me, like for many people, has been stressful, disappointing at times, difficult to navigate and then oh so wonderful all at the same time.

 

My word for 2012 was ACCEPTANCE and that is what I tried to remember.  Acceptance of everything....emotions I couldn't explain, changes in jobs, family situations I couldn't control, decisions people made that I was not in agreement with,  good things that happened to me I did not ask for and any and all other things that would come into my life.  I discovered that Acceptance was a tough word to chose.  It is so much easier at times not to accept things when they are not as we would want them to be.

 

This Christmas is one of those things I would rather not accept.  It is not the type of Christmas I would chose to have, but I have accepted that it is the best Christmas I can have this year.  So, while I sit here with my sweet husband, waiting for my boys to come from their Dad's house so that we may celebrate Christmas together, I want to share a few photos of how I finally pulled together a few decorations in our home this year.  Once I "accepted" the fact that Christmas would be different, I remembered what the season is really about and how lucky I am to have my family with me for any amount of time and that the part of my family which can't be physically with me, is still always in my heart and by my side. 

 

Merry Christmas to you all and may 2013 bring much love and happiness and acceptance to you all.

 

 

 



Happy One Year to My Mom

My Mom's Favorite Painting

 

 

Happy One Year

in Heaven

to you

Mama.

 

Because I can't really write anymore about how I am feeling today,

I am going to leave it up t0 two people that

loved my mom so much.

Here are two posts from two of her grandchildren.

One is from my son Evan who is 17.

The other is from one of my nieces

who is 18.

 

This pretty much shows the love that others had for her.

 

 

http://instagram.com/p/RbslMzxXmp/

You have to click on the above link from Instagram.

I couldn't copy and paste the actual picture and words he wrote.

But please do click the link, because it is beautiful.

 

 

The one below is the one from my niece that she posted on Facebook this morning.

 

A year ago today i lost my first grandparent unexpectedly. this is me and her in the kitchen, I was playing dress-up while she was in the middle of cooking, like she always was. she was such an amazing woman and i miss her every day. she...

taught me so much of what i know today, i remember she used to always tell me "that's a no no" if i did something wrong. thats something ill never forget. hated it then, love it now. we may not have always seen eye to eye on everything like when i told her i was dying some of my hair red. but thats just how she was. she always had the best intentions. the last few times i saw her she would always tell me how much of mature young lady i had become and was still becoming. i miss and love you so much nena and i cant believe you're gone ♥

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This is Me, Emptying My Mind

I am on my way to Richmond, it's 7:20am, Hurricane Sandy is approaching the East Coast.  It is almost the one year anniversary of mom's passing and I am going to see my dad and go visit mom.  Robby is driving and I am watching out the window, looking at the thick, dark clouds this "nor'easter" is bringing, the changing leaves on the trees, the deer in the fields and thinking about mom's last days, and writing down all of these thoughts as we drive.  This will be my blog post.  Not a pretty one or happy one.  But this blog started as a place for me to empty my thoughts out into the universe, and this is one of those kind of posts.  So please, bare with me.

This would have been a Friday last year and I would have been on my way to work, so happy it was Friday finally and looking forward to spending the weekend with my boys.  Mom would have been home, having dropped dad off at dialysis.  Probably reading the paper and having some coffee, enjoying some alone time.  Or did she have a feeling her days were nearing an end?  Could she feel the clot forming in her brain which would soon explode, causing so much damage instantly that she would no longer know how to breathe on her own?  Daddy said she did a lot of extra cleaning those last few days, fretting over small things and needing everything to be perfect.  So typical of her if she thought people would be coming by the house.  Their house is always clean and picked up and super organized, but daddy said she was really going over and above normal.  Why?

I am perfectly aware that it is morbid and of absolutely no use for me to dwell on these types of thoughts, but it is how my mind works.  And NOTHING can make it not work this way.  It is where my mind goes when I am not occupying it with some other productive thoughts.  Riding in the car is the worst!!!!  The 45 minute drive to work and then home from work and this 2 hour and 15 minute drive to Richmond.  My mind is free to think about anything, and this is what it thinks about.

I don't remember if  I talked to mom that Friday or Saturday.  I do know that I spoke to her on Sunday evening, as did Evan, Trevor and Robby.  Mom sounded tired, but not alarmingly so.  I remember after she died, I kept asking Robby if she sounded different to him?  Did she say anything strange or unusual?  Did I miss something in her voice that should have let me know that something wasn't right and I should have done something?  His answer was always the same, "no."  But how could she have been 12 hours away from dying and us not know it?  How could she not know it, or did she?  Was her head hurting and she wasn't saying anything about it?  I have SO MANY QUESTIONS and NO ANSWERS!!!!! That makes me crazy.  I have always had a knack for figuring things our, investigating and snooping around until I find out what I need to know.  But that is useless in this case.

As we are driving, I am looking up to the sky and wondering if mom can see me looking for her?  Can she see me writing this all down and does she see that when I have dreams with her in them, that I can never see her face?  I just know the person in the dream is her.  Why when I was in the cave in Montana, was that the only time that I could see her completely?  She was right beside me, resting her head on my shoulder because she is shorter than me and her arms were wrapped around me.  Holding me so that the black darkness of the cave would not frighten me.  Why is that the only time in a year I have been able to see her face?

How does my dad wake up everyday and want to go on?  His life consists of dialysis 3 days a week and then being home alone, for the exception of my one brother who comes over on his lunch break 5 days a week and another brother who comes once a week and the occasional visits from my other brother and I.  We both live 2 1/2 hours away and don't get home as often as I am sure we would both like to.  How can my dad bare the evenings and night time?  Where does he find the strength and desire to want to go on?  I admire him so much for carrying on though I know his days are tough and very hard on him.  I talk to him twice a day because it is all I can do, but it's not enough.

I can't help but think about my nephew who I will see today.  He came to Richmond on that day with his mom and dad.  He was only 15 at the time and he had to be there with us in the hospital, in mom's room, watching a machine breathe for her while we waited for my dad to return from his dialysis treatment that had been put off for 10 hours.  All the while knowing that when his Papa came back, we would be taking his Nana off the machine that was keeping her body alive.  He had to watch his dad, his uncles and his aunt go through the pain of losing their mom.  Me, the aunt he associates with happiness, silliness and laughter, unable to do anything other than hold her mom's hand, caress her hair and beg her to please open her eyes and not leave me.  No 15 year old should have to witness all that, but he never said a word or left the room to be alone.  His courage and strength was steadfast.

So, now I am here.  I find odd comfort here.  I wish that I lived closer because I would come visit everyday.  I could sit and talk to mom for hours.  I never get to come by myself to see her and just sit and talk about my life and thoughts.  I have new flowers to put on her marker for the Fall and the one year.  We will all come back here together today to do that.  I really wish the sun would shine because it is so pretty here when the sun is out.  The birds chirp and fly from tree to tree, the ducks fly onto the pond and an odd peace comes over me.  But on days like today, there is just gloom and darkness.  I can't come back here on Wednesday because I will be back at home and at work.  My mom lost her mom on October 31 also, 10 years earlier.  I wonder if October 31 of some year is when I will see the both of them again.  Maybe that will be the day I get my answers.  Or maybe then, it won't matter anymore, I will instantly understand it all.

I love you and miss you with all my being.

Busco's Joy.....The Many Stops to Wolf Creek

Day 2

September 13, 2012

Our second day in Montana found Anne and I waking up at 5:30 am.  A little early to say the least, but our bodies were still on East Coast time.  We didn't need to be at the Blacktail until 4:00 that afternoon, so we had plenty of time to see a few sites before we arrived.  Anne had a few places in mind that she wanted to show me and then we had a few new places neither one of us had seen.  It was going to be a great day, with perfect weather and our trusty rental car to get us where we needed to be.

First we started with breakfast in the amazingly beautiful dining room at The Sanders.  I am in awe of the craftsmanship that went into building homes in the 1800's.  The woodwork was amazing and the incredibly large china corner cabinet in the dining room was astounding.  I often just stand and try to imagine what it would have been like to have been a kid growing up in a house of such beauty and cozy grandeur.  Bobbi and cooked us a wonderful omelet and served it with fresh fruit and delicious homemade bread.  She sat with us while we ate and we talked about the lack of water in Montana and how farming and ranching differ in the east and the west.  We were joined by another guest of the Inn, a senator from Cascade Montana who was in town for business.  He was a delight to talk with and he shared stories of being a rancher in Montana.  We could have spent the whole day sitting right there talking with our wonderful host and the other guests, but alas, we had an agenda and really needed to get the show on the road.

 The corner china cabinet.

It was huge!!!

 

 The lower half of the cabinet.

 

The upper portion of the cabinet.

 

 Our beautiful home for a night.

 

 Had the Montana Mountains not been calling my name,I could have sat on this porch all day.

 

Adorable little piggy planter with beautiful geraniums on the porch.

 

 

The night before, we had asked our friend Kim a good place to get a really great Cappuccino in the morning.  She suggested a place called the The General Mercantile within walking distance of our B&B.  There was also a gorgeous cathedral a few blocks from us that Anne wanted to visit and go spend a little time in prayer for her Grandpa Joe.  So, we set off for our morning walk. 

 

The house next door to The Sanders caught my eye the day we arrived.  I immediately was drawn to the fact that their entire little front yard had been turned into a flower, veggie and herb garden.  What mostly caught my eye was the fact that there were mammoth Sunflowers growing in the yard, just like I had at my home.  I immediately thought of mom, and realized then and there that she was coming along on this journey with Anne and I.  I said good morning to her as we walked past the sunflowers and continued down to the Cathedral.

 

 

I am not Catholic, but I have to admit I have a love for Catholic Cathedrals.  They are just so beautiful and you cannot help but feel an incredible amount of safety and love when you step inside of one.  Anne and I walked up the the cathedral in hopes that it would be open and we would be able to go inside, light a candle for our loved ones and say a little prayer.  Words cannot describe how beautiful the inside and outside were, so here are some pictures to help explain.

 







And as if the beauty weren't enough in the Cathedral,

when you come out to leave, this is what you see.

Natural beauty that no person had anything to do with.

 

The next stop was the General Mercantile to get warmed up and grab a cappuccino.  We just walked down that hill you see in the picture above and soon we were there.  Along the way we past a wonderful little art museum called the Holter Art Museum.  I saw some little birdies in the window that I just knew I had to have that were made by a local potter.  The museum was closed so we made a mental note to come back on our way out of Helena later in the day.  The General Mercantile is a store that looks like it has stepped right out of one of Robby's beloved westerns, except that is has an amazing espresso machine, a  koi pond inside and WiFi.  We ordered our cappuccinos and walked around while we waited for them to be made.  This little gem has EVERYTHING.  Postcards, journals, candy cigarettes, delicious, decadent chocolate bars, local made pottery and art, coffees and teas to take home and lots of cute little nooks and crannies to sit at if you don't want to belly up to the espresso bar.  We chose to sit next to the Koi Pond.  I was not able to take too many pictures inside because of how dark it was and my flash not working, but you will just have to check it out sometime when you are in Helena for yourself.

 

 Stain Glass window just inside of the front door. 

So beautiful.

 

 

 

THE FEATHERED PIPE

 Another one of the magical places in Montana Anne has had the privilege to spend time at is the  Feathered Pipe.  The Feathered Pipe is a yoga retreat where workshops are held on a beautiful property where one completely reconnects with nature and their spirit.  I cannot begin to express how thrilled I was when Anne told me that we would be able to stop by and she would be able to show me the grounds.  There would not be a group there at the time we would be stopping by, so we had free run of the place and were able to walk about at our leisure and I was able to just take it all in.  It is another dream of mine to one day get back there for a workshop and be able to experience the Feathered Pipe for the true magical even it is.  There are tents to sleep in if you wish, or you may prefer and even more unique "home" in one of their Yurts.  For those who aren't quite so adventurous, there are rooms inside of the lodge.  The room they hold their yoga classes in has a huge buck hanging on the fireplace.  He is a very special Buck that I do not even feel worthy of telling his story.  If ever you are lucky enough to go to the Feathered Pipe, you will learn the legend of the mighty Buck. 
 







Welcome to the Feathered Pipe

 

The dining hall, yoga room and indoor sleeping quarters.

 



One of the many Yurts available to stay in.

 

The inside of the Yurt.

Looks comfy doesn't it?

 

The Mighty Buck who is truly a legend at the Pipe.

 

As we were walking the property I noticed how instantly I could feel my soul finding a peace it had not known in long time.  Something about this place just helps to bring an inner peace and quietness.  There is a lake on the property with a pier that goes out to it.  The water was way to cold to swim in, but I did just lay down on the pier and look out across the water and thank the powers that be for letting me be a small part of this amazing place. 

 

 



 

 After a few moments to reflect on my life at the lake, Anne took me on a walk up to an area known as the Stupa.  A stupa is a monumental mound of earth that is used as a sacred spot to honor Buddha.  There were prayer flags that people had made and hung which appear to have been there for some time and little offerings that were left behind.  I am not Buddhist, but that did not matter.  Whenever I am in any spiritual place which stands for nothing more than love for one another and the earth, I cannot help but feel moved.  To me, these places have been built not for evil or pain, but as a place to find healing, possibly reclaim some inner peace that has been missing and offer a prayer or wish for others we know who are hurting or struggling with something.  It's not a matter of believing in a certain God or Gods, but in wanting only to make the world we live in a better place for all. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

So, this was not the last stop of our day before we arrived at Blacktail, but it seems like a great place to end for tonight.  These pictures make me so happy and I think I want them to be what I fall asleep thinking about.  Tomorrow I will write about the last few stops of our day before arriving at our final destination.  Hope you have enjoyed reading more about my journey.  I am loving going back and reliving everyday, which is really why I am blogging about it.  Not so much so that someone else can read about it, but so that I can have something to always come back to and remember the magic that happened in Montana with my dear friend Anne and my mom's spirit right beside me.

Sweet dreams.

XXOO

Deb