I'm Trying

Faith is not something I have always had.  I mean, I guess I have had it, but I never really felt it.  So, I guess that means I didn't really have it.  It's funny how when you lose someone you are so very, very close to, like the two people who created you and brought you into this world, you start to feel like you have to have faith, you have to believe.  You have to believe that there is something greater that their souls go to when they leave this world.  That their bodies don't just rot in the ground or in a coffin and that is the end.  I can't believe that, I won't believe that.  What is the point to our lives if that is all there is in the end?

There have been few times when I have really felt like I needed to have something bigger to hold on to.  When I had to believe or I could simply not carry on.  I begged for there to be more and for a second chance once when I was looking death in the face and I have begged for there to be more when my mom died.  Now that my dad has died also, I have decided that simply begging isn't enough.  I have to believe.  I have to commit.  I have to not doubt that which I cannot see.  How can I expect there to be more when I won't commit to believing that there is?  And more importantly, what do I have to lose?  If there isn't more, then i will never know the difference.  But if there is more, oh my goodness, why would I want to miss out on that simply because I wouldn't believe?

It will be a process, it will be a time of learning and questioning.  It will be a journey but one I am willing to take.  I am so blessed to have people in my life willing to teach me, to walk beside me and help me.  There is something bigger.  I have to believe it, I have to live it, I have to let it into my heart.  If I ever want to stop not allowing myself to see the joy in the Holidays and the birthdays that come along, the Mother's Days and the Father's Days that I no longer can celebrate, the anniversaries, the start of the new Seasons, then I have to believe that there is something MORE!!!  That God IS. That my mom and dad are exactly where they BELIEVED they would be when their spirits left this world.  That they are together again, maybe not as husband and wife, but as something even more amazing and wonderful.  That I will see them again.  So this Advent Season, I am beginning my journey.  I may stumble along the way, I may have my doubts, but I will stick with it and I will find  my way.  It may not be by this January, when dad and mom would have both celebrated their birthdays, it may not be by April, when they would have celebrated another year of marriage, but it will happen.

Dear Mom

Dear Mom,
It is Sunday night, 5 days after your 82nd birthday.  I am sure it was quite the celebration for you and I imagined all day on Tuesday how you, your mom and dad, Uncle Danny, Uncle Pete and Aunt Janie must be spending the day.  I sang you Happy Birthday and you were kind enough to give me a snow day to stay home and celebrate your day.  Had you been alive and here with me, I know we would have spent it in the snow building snowmen and using my hats and scarves to dress them with.  Then you would have insisted on us making Snow Cream to eat with a Fresh Coconut Cake I would have baked for you.  We would have eaten that early in the day of course so that we could make huge banana splits together to eat in the evening.  Remember how I would come home to Richmond for your birthday and would stop somewhere first and buy a Banana Split to bring home to you and one for me and Butter Pecan ice cream for dad?  You didn't care if you got a present, just as long as we could have our ice cream together.  I looked forward to your birthdays for that reason almost as much as I look forward to my own birthday, hahahaha.  So I guess my question for you is, do they have banana splits in heaven and if so, are they as good as they are here on earth?

Yesterday, Robby and I went home to spend the day with dad.  We went out to the cemetery to spend some time with you but it was sooooo cold.  There was still snow on the ground and the pond was partially frozen.  But the ducks were still out on the pond and the fountain still ran.  As you know, I always feel such peace when I am there to visit.  How I wish I was able to come every week so that we could spend more time together.  I always have so much to tell you, even though I have conversations with you everyday on my 84 mile commute to and from work.  Somehow it just isn't the same talking to you in my car, all alone, as it is when I am sitting there at the cemetery where we said our last goodbyes.  I am sure the people who pass me on 81 often wonder who on earth I am talking to, hahahaha.

Once we got back to the house, Bill came over and brought his girlfriend Teri over for us to meet.  Jess, Joe and Olivia came over too.  It was so nice to see Bill so happy and Teri is a really wonderful girl.  She was so easy to talk to and is very down to earth.  You would have liked her very much, of that I am certain.  It was so great to see Jess and Joe.  They are such a cute couple and Olivia is just the sweetest little bundle of love.  You know me and babies, I had to have my hands on her the whole time they were visiting.  Even when she was crying, I didn't want to hand her back over to Jess, I just wanted to find the way to soothe her and make her happy.  She loves to stand up and hold onto your fingers and dance.  And let me tell you, she is quite the little dancer for a 6 month old.  It is so great to have a baby around again.  Brings back such wonderful memories of Garrett, Reed, Evan and Trevor.  Daddy loves that little cutie pie too, very much.  It is so cute to see him hold her and talk to her.  I know he never thought he would see the day that he would become a Great Papa.

Leaving dad to come back home is never easy.  I hate leaving him in that house alone with nothing but memories.  But you would be so proud of how well he is doing.  He stays busy in his playhouse and just finished his 16th clock.  He has no idea who he will be giving this one to, but he made it anyway.  As nervous as it makes me thinking of him in that playhouse alone with power tools, electric saws and his other "toys", I know it is his therapy and it is what gets him through each and every day.  I believe that you watch over him when he is in there and protect him from harm.

As for me, I have come a long way from where I was this time 2 years ago.  I don't miss you any less, if anything I miss you more.  But I have been able to heal some and know in my heart you are in a better place.  I feel your presence when I need you the most and know that you are right there with me.  I know you have been watching over my boys and see the wonderful things they are doing in their lives.  I know you know that I am in a loving place in my life and am the happiest and most at peace with myself and my life as I have ever been.  Each and everyday seems to bring me a little more peace than the day before.  I don't know what exactly to attribute this overwhelming sense of calm and contentment too, but I am so grateful for it.  Good things keep coming to me and an inner strength I have never known before has taken up home in my soul.  Burdens and guilt I have carried with me for years have been lifted.  Life is good!!

Well, I guess that is all I have to say for now.  I love you so and wish so much that I could call you on the phone like I always did on Sundays.  It doesn't seem fair that I get to talk to you whenever I want, but I never get to hear you talk back.  Funny how that is, right?  There were so many times when I was younger that I would have given anything not hear you talk back when I was talking to you, or screaming at you, or crying at you.  Now I would give anything and everything just to hear one more word come from your mouth.

Happy Birthday, my dear sweet momma.  I love you with every fiber of my being.
Your loving daughter,
Doodle Bug

The Morning Started Like This.....

Have you ever had those days,
where you just knew,
it was going to be perfect?

Last Wednesday
was one of those days.

I meant to write
about it sooner,
but just never got
around to it.

So here is how it went.

I woke up feeling good,
which was a nice change.

Driving to work
the sunrise was so beautiful,
I knew my mom was in
that sunrise telling me
she loved me and
to have a great day.

Listening to Mumford and Sons
on my IPod in the car,
the song Roll Away Your Stone
came on and as odd as this sounds,
the trucks crossing on the over pass,
looked as if they were driving to the beat of the song.
(you really had to be there for that one, I know it sounds weird,
but it made me smile)

And at another perfect moment in a song,
I looked up and four geese were flying overhead.
They too seemed to be a sign for me.

After all of these signs,
an incredible feeling of well being
came over me.
Ever since that Wednesday,
a week ago,
I have had such a peace within me.

Life just seems a little sweeter,
dreams seem a little more real,
and worries seem a little less worrisome.

I hope all of you have moments like this
when the powers that be
let you know you are not alone.
Someone is watching out and over you.

Here's wishing you all a very lovely weekend
filled with love and happiness.

Just As She Would Have Done........

and I walked outside of the house
and turned around to look.
the boxwoods had been pruned,
just as she would have done.

the flowerbeds weeded,
the flowers all deadheaded.
everything manicured perfectly,
just as she would have done.

i left and came back.
when i walked into the house
presents were wrapped and they were
EVERYWHERE!!!!
just as she would have done

i made my way through the gifts
and then i saw her, standing in the kitchen.
she flashed me that smile and those blue eyes twinkled
and she said,
Merry Christmas!!!!!!

she was back.
she was back to make Christmas the way I remember.
i could see her face and her body,
dressed in a plaid shirt and a tan wrap skirt.
daddy was so happy.

we sat down at the table,
meredith, stephen, daddy, mom and I
we said what we were thankful for.
i was scared to talk for fear she would disappear

she said she had bought dad the box he had wanted,
it was in two pieces and each was $5,000.
i told her if it was a box that cost that much,
it must be a box strong enough that i could put her in,
so she could never leave me again.

and it was the best Christmas ever, and I was happy.
but alas, it was just a dream.
but i saw her and she smiled and she laughed\
but most of all, I saw her.

the blouse and skirt mom was wearing in my dream