Jack Of All Trades, Master Of None

Well, okay, not really even a jack of ALL trades, but, you know what I mean.

This is the story of my life and lately it is making me crazy!!!!!  I have always been a little off center.  Not quite like anyone else I know, march to the beat of my own drum and hard to fit it in a category.  But, not quirky enough or out of the box enough to be really good at the things those TYPE of people are good at.  You know the type I mean, the artsy ones who are able to somehow put the quirky thoughts and ideas blasting through their minds at rapid speed, down on paper, or shape into clay, paint onto a canvas, sew onto some type of medium, write into music, choreograph into a dance, fashion into a piece of jewelry, etc.

That type is who I am in my mind, but somehow, there is a glitch in my wiring and I can't get put into play those thoughts in my mind.  It is a most aggravating predicament.  I pour through pages and pages of articles and pictures of other artist's work in magazines such as Mollie Makes and any and all of the Somerset magazines wishing I had what these artists have.  I read their stories, and sure, some of them claim to have never known they had the ability and talents that they have until later in life when suddenly they realized what they could create.  I am pretty sure this is not my case as I have always, since I was a little girl, wanted to be able to create something.  I mean sure, I can look at other artists work and create my own version of what they have done.  I can read any recipe and pretty much cook or bake whatever the recipe is for and it turn out pretty darn good. But what I can't do is come up with anything on my own.  How do these artists, and I consider a chef or a baker an artist too, come up with the original ideas?  How do I find what it is, that is my style?  I love so many different forms of art and so many styles, but there must be something that is ME, my style.

I am obsessed with creating these days.  I find more and more inspiration everyday.  The internet has become a drug for me, sucking me farther and farther into a world of creating that I never knew existed.  With each new artist I find, there is a link to another artist who inspires them, and off I go to find that artist.  I can't get enough.  Every waking moment is spent wanting to make something, find my style,  my niche.  I read blog after blog and search artist after artist looking for something.  I carry a bag full of scrap material, watercolors, a sketch pad with watercolor papers inserted throughout, embroidery thread, a pack of needles, markers, sketch pencils, blank note cards to decorate just in case I get hit by a  moment of honest originality and need to get it put on paper at that moment.  I haunt thrift shops and flea markets looking for bits and bobs of old stuff: doilies, embroidered hankies, table runners, table cloths, cloth napkins, vintage fabrics and anything else I can re purpose into what, I don't know. 

All I know to do is to keep signing up for the online workshops I find, beg others to please tape their workshops so that they can be put on line and keep on creating the way that I can.  Most of what I make no one but me ever sees.  There is the rare occasion that I may give something I have made to someone, or most likely make a handmade card for an occasion. I would love some day to have enough confidence in what I do to share it with others besides the Flickr groups that are in my online classes.  I would love to come up with something completely my own from start to finish and it be good.  But regardless of who does or doesn't see my work, I am having a great time pretending to be amazing and creative.  There is just something so fun about painting, cutting, sewing together, taking apart and putting back together in a new way, gluing, drawing and imagining.  I long for the day when I can spend all of my time doing just this, but when that day comes, it will also be time for me to get my little farm animals and be working my on going garden which will sustain my family all year through.

Oh dear, I fear that at the age of almost 48, I have waited too long to follow my heart's desire.  I pray my body and mind hold out for all that I want to accomplish in my lifetime.  Perhaps one lifetime is just not enough to do it all.

I would like to thank the artists that I can think of at the moment, for all of the inspiration they have given to me.  Many have responded back when I have written them either on Facebook or their blog or etsy shop.   One I get to call my sister and have the blessing of being a part of her life and work.  These ladies all hold a special place in my heart and give me the fire and drive to keep trying to find my groove, my niche, my STYLE.

Vivian Driskill
Viv Sliwka
Jane Schouten
Phoebe Wahl
Rachelle Blondel
Tif Fussell
Tamara Laporte
Jeanne Oliver
Christy Tomlinson
Meg Duerksen
Megan Richards Modderman
Kelly Rae Roberts
Michelle Allen
Pam Garrison
Gina Rossi Armfield
Marisa Redondo
and last but not least, Frida Kahlo who was my very first inspiration.  A truly tortured soul with amazing talent.

I just need to write.

I have been wanting to sit down and write a new post for some time, but just haven't made the time to do it.  Tonight, I have so many thoughts and emotions bumping around in my head that I feel I just have to write in order to clear my mind and move on.  I had a wonderful yoga practice this morning, baked some super yummy and healthy cookies, I cried a tiny bit, held my husband close and tight and took a walk outside through all of my budding gardens, but still I am unsettled. 
Life for the most part has been delicious as of late.  Thanks to the teachings of Elena Brower from http://www.artofattention.com/ and to her amazing yoga workshop I attended last weekend, I am able to confront, address and process different situations that I come across  each day.  I am trying so hard not to react to a situation or a comment, but to meet it with an open heart and mind and act with understanding.  I practice this at work when I come across a situation that would have angered me in the past or caused me frustration. I practice this at home with my husband on the rare occurrences that I become frustrated with him.  Recently on a visit to see my parents, I struggled with practicing this, but did my best to not react to comments made but rather meet them with an openness and lightness I usually do not have in that situation.  I can't lie, this was a real challenge for me.  But, I have found that approaching life and life's situations this way, has made a huge difference in my mood and how quickly I recover from difficult encounters.  Until today that is.


My oldest son turned 20 this past Wednesday.  For reasons I do not understand, G has chosen not to communicate with me in any way since January of this year.  This had been an incredibly difficult time for me because G and I have always been so very close and in my mind, had an amazing relationship with each other.  Having no contact with him for 4 months had been a true test of my spirit.  Letting go of guilt and choosing to let him have his space and not go and try to find him, has been harder than I ever realized it could be.  But this past Tuesday, I thought a major break through had occurred.  I received a phone call from G and after what I thought was a wonderful conversation, he had agreed to come for the weekend so that I may celebrate his birthday with him and do my favorite thing, cook  his favorite foods for him, make him a birthday cake or pie and spend quality time catching up on his life and giving him gifts from Christmas that he never came to get and  his birthday presents from me and family members.  I was to pick him up on Saturday and bring him to our house for the weekend.  I never heard back from him after Tuesday. Today he did text me to tell me he would not be coming because he had another engagement he had to attend for his DJing job.  I have to admit if I am honest, I knew he would not show.  I knew that something or someone would come up and he would not want to come.  But even though I knew this was how it would turn out, I would be lying if I said it did not crush my spirit a little more when I knew for sure he would not be coming.  I immediately thought of Elena Brower and how she teaches to open your heart and find space to breathe in the feelings and to act accordingly to those feelings. A few tears fell on my face and I took a few deep breaths and remembered that this was not because of me.  I did not do this.  The demons inside of him that he is dealing with that have to do with me, are his problem right now. They cannot be my problem until he is ready to open up to me and explain to me why he cannot have a relationship with me at this time.  I have done everything I can to reach out to him, I call, I text, and  he is choosing not to respond.  I cannot,at this time,do anymore other than continue to wait. I will be here when he is ready, and I will greet him with open arms and an open heart.  I dedicate my yoga practice to him coming back to me and finding his way back. 


I cannot begin to explain how my yoga practice has helped me to work through the difficult situations in my life.  The physical practice and the mental practice.  I cannot get enough to read or enough time to practice my asanas.  A few months ago, what happened today would have left me in a ball, crying, inconsolable and blaming myself.  Today, it was painful, but I worked through it and moved forward.  I know longer take antidepressants to deal with my emotions.  I own them, acknowledge them, confront them and then let them go. Sure, it helps to write down my thoughts, but that is okay.  I am so thankful I have found yoga and have let it help me in ways that nothing else has.  My mind is open and receiving of all that I can learn.  I hope that in time, I can pass this on to my other children and they will learn from me so that when life gives them difficult decisions or situations, they have the tools they need to address and process these situations thoughtfully.