It has been a week and 3 days since you were taken from me. I hope that you are loving Heaven and are having a wonderful time catching up with your mom & dad, your brothers and sister and all of the your other loved ones that you have met back up with. Also, just wondering, have you found Sandra Bullock's mom yet and told her that people always tell me they think I look like her? I had a very dear patient at work die yesterday, and I was hoping maybe you could meet up with him and show him the ropes. I am sure you have already checked all of Heaven out, so you would be a great tour guide. His name is Mr. Dutton, look him up okay?
Life down here is not the same without you. For such a tiny, little lady, you have left a big, gaping hole in my life and in our family. Daddy is doing okay, but there is a light in his eyes that has gone. It's a light that burned bright for about 60 years, and now is gone. I hope in time, his memories will be enough to spark that light again. It may not burn as bright as it use to, but hopefully it will at least flicker. You would be so proud of Billy, Danny, Stephen and I. We have really pulled together and rallied together for daddy and each other. You may not have realized how many values you instilled in us, but I hope that you can now see what an amazing job you did with each of us.
So mama, I have to tell you sorry for several things. I am so sorry I didn't realize how difficult your life was. You placed so many demands on yourself and expected so much of yourself. You tried to tell me at times how hard things were from time to time, and I just told you I understood and that I was sorry. I told you not to worry so much about things and just let them go. After having tried miserably to take your place for a week, I now understand what you were saying. Your life was so hard. The amount of work you tried to accomplish in a day, the worries you had over daddy's dialysis and his diet, how you wanted the house to stay clean all the time and have the yard looking so beautiful. You made it look so effortless, and yet, it is soooo hard. Why could I not see that when you were here. Why did it take you leaving for me to understand the depth of your worry and the magnitude of the amount of stress you were under. You and daddy just continued to move forward and though at times you may have let out a heavy sigh, you never really complained. At least not so that I would look deeper into your complaints. How I wish I had known better what your daily life consisted of. You always said none of us had any idea what it was like, and you are right. I now have a much better idea, but it's too late. You are no longer here for me to relieve. I can't come help you and give you a break. But, when I really think about it, I know you probably would not have taken a break. Your love for daddy and his well being and health, was the driving force in all you did. For better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish from that day forward until death do you part. You and daddy breathed and lived those vows day in and day out. I always told you both on your Anniversary, what an honor it is to say my parents have stayed married all those years. I have always been so proud of you both for your loyalty to each other. It is because of that pride in you, that when my first marriage was falling apart, I could not bear to tell you. It is why I took the cowardly way out and wrote you all a letter telling you I was getting divorced instead of calling you and telling you over the phone or coming to see you in person. I know the 58 years were not easy. You and daddy had many hard times and we kids, didn't always make it easy. But you never gave up and you never turned on each other. You turned to each other, and together you made it through. I was so disappointed in myself when Gary and I couldn't do that, and having to tell you was more than I could face. For that I am sorry, because had I given you the chance, you would have been there for me and made it a less difficult time for me. Rest assure though, my marriage to Robby is built on the firm foundation of your and daddy's marriage, and I will make you proud of the life Robby and I have together. We won't live to be able to celebrate 58 years I don't imagine, but we will live each year together to the fullest, nurturing our love for each other, every single day.
I wish I had known that you were going to be leaving so soon. I always wanted to have a chance to discuss something with you. I wanted for you and I to decide on a "sign" or a code word, something that you could do for me so that when you died and arrived in Heaven, you could let me know you made it okay. Something that would let me know on really bad days, that you were there helping me along and guiding me. I couldn't ever think of a good time to bring up that subject because I never wanted to think of a day that you would not be here for me. Oh how I wish I had just had that talk. Yesterday Beauty and I went for a walk outside, and I just sat by one of my gardens and stared up into the sky looking for you. I thought maybe a cloud would form in the shape of your beautiful face, or maybe a breeze would blow against my cheek or whisper in my ear. There were no such signs. But I will keep looking. You will do something to let me know you are there, I am sure of it.
Before I close for now, I have one more big favor. Because I am certain you can see all that is life on earth now, I am begging of you to please watch over my boys. Right now I am especially asking you to stay with Garrett. He is in a place that I cannot reach. I am sure you noticed his abscense at your funeral and you know that it was not because of lack of love for you. Garrett loved you so very much mama, and still does. I cannot tell you his reasons as I do not know them myself. I pray that whatever demons he is battling, he is able to overcome soon. I am sick with worry for him and feel helpless. If you could just please stay with him and gently guide him from harm, it would mean so much to me. I do not know what fate has planned for him, and there is only so much any of us can do, but any help from you I can get would be so appreciated. And of course in your spare time, you can hang out with Reed, Evan and Trevor too and gently push them in the right directions also.
I am going to do something that you will not approve of at all. I am going to post a few more pictures of you. They help me to remember happy times and look at your beautiful face. You always hated having your picture taken. I wish you could have seen yourself the way we all did and do. A beautiful woman with a bright happy smile and eyes that poured out love. I love you mama and miss you so much.
Love always,
Doodle Bug
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| Mom and her little brother Pete. Late 1930's |
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| Mom and me when I was 8 months old, December 1965. |
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| Mom in the early 1980's in her favorite room, the kitchen. Even loading the dishwasher, she kept on smiling. |
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| My graduation from college, May 1986. A day that I know she was proud of me for. |
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| Nana with all of her grandsons. This was a hard Christmas for she and daddy, but the boys made them laugh. Can't imagine why. December 25, 2009. |
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| Nana pinning the boutinere on Trevor at my wedding, May 22, 2010. |
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| A beautiful moment for my mom and dad at my wedding. May 22, 2010. |
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| The whole crazy family trying to pose for a family portrait. Formality was never something we have been good about. Again, at my wedding on May 22, 2010. The last time we were all together as a family. |
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