Getting Back to What I Love

Oh these months of September, October, November, December and January........funny how two major life events can put a real wrench in how you feel about 5 months in a year.  That's almost half of a year that I allow myself to be super sad and un-motivated to get out and live life.  What a waste of a perfectly great and full-of-possibilities life, wouldn't you say?

My mom and dad would be sooooooooo disappointed in me.  So, with the 4 year anniversary of my mom's death arriving tomorrow, Halloween, I have decided to not post tomorrow with my typical style of post.  Instead, I shall post today and share my art journaling and sketchbook entries of the past week.  I have always had a tendency to only go to my art in times of sadness and desperation.  A way of helping me to work through horrible, difficult times when I can not find any other healthy way of coping with the feelings and thoughts racing through my overly busy mind.  The end result being art that I love but that is not necessarily so happy to go back and look at later on.  So with that being said and made aware to me, I am turning to my art to represent my feelings everyday, not just the bad days and or months.  It may not be nearly as interesting, but it will at least better represent my life which is actually full of many, many happy and super joyful days!!!  Especially now that I have my youngest living with me full time and have his wacky spirit filling my home with even more laughter and joy, not to mention beautiful music when he is playing on his drums.

My art will still help me through the tougher days, but maybe they won't seem so tough if I have been expressing myself everyday through my art.  Grief is a crazy emotion that really just seems to get a tight grip on me when I indulge in it.  At one moment I may think I have a grasp on it and then some stupid episode on a tv show will send me right over the edge or a song or some unfortunate event in the life of someone I barely know.  I have a dear friend who just lost her sister-in-law to cancer.  This beautiful soul leaves behind 3 precious, really young children and a loving husband along with many other family members and friends.  Those 3 young children have lost their MOM at a horribly young age.  I was so blessed to have my mom in my life for 46 years and I can barely stand to think of her not being here anymore.  But then I think about those 3 children and wonder how I can be so selfish to be allowing myself to feel so sorry for myself when I was given the gift of 46 years with my mom and 49 years with my dad.  It really puts a new perspective on how I see my situation.  

Okay, so anyway, back to my happy thoughts.  Here are some photos of my newest journal/sketchbook entries. There is no consistency to what they look like.  My style changes based on what artist I am studying and what classes I am taking on-line.  The only time "my" style shows up is when I don't look at any videos and just sit down and try to create an entry on my own.  I really struggle with this which is why I am always taking classes and watching what other's techniques are.  My hope is that if I make daily entries a priority then my own style will emerge and find itself.  In the mean time, I am having great fun and that is a priority for me right now :)  

Stabilo Pencil and water

My alter ego......Poulet Chateau and her best chick, Beatrice Feathers.

(above and below)

A moment in a day of the life of Poulet.

Still needs to have some color added to it, or, maybe not.

Some wonderful snail-mail that inspired my first entry in a new journal..... a gratitude page.

A wooden board rescued from my dad's workshop last year gets a few flowers and a stamped bird.

A very inexpensive mixed media journal gets a special cover to make it prettier. Vintage bark cloth and recycled ribbon from a gift make for a perfect altered journal cover.

A class taught by Pam Garrison on Creativebug led to this entry.  Using a pen to make blind marks on a page, then going back and adding color into those shapes (above).  Then going back in with the pen and adding in what you see (below).  It took me some time to really just slow down and stare, but then I started to see the images.  Super cool exercise and every time you get a different result.  Loved this and did multiple pages of this technique.

Not particularly so great to look at, but I had fun with it.......laying down the background colors with acrylic paints and then just doodling some of my favorite things......birds and flowers and a few words that pop into my head.  No real rhyme or reason to this.

Taking cues from Mary Ann Moss and Pam Garrison I tried my hand at just sketching what is right in front of me or just my surroundings.  This was fun but I have no sense of proportion or really making things look 3 dimensional.  But hey, practice makes perfect right?  And I do like how things look when I do this and I have never been much of a "realist" at drawing for certain.

This one will get some color added to it some time today.  

This is a pretty typical style for me when I am doing more journaling than actual "art journaling".  Okay but kind of blah.  Hoping to add some depth and direction over time as I make this more of a daily habit.  

These next two paintings and pen drawings are from another exercise of Pam's.  Putting down random colors and stroked of watercolor and then going back in with pen and drawing what you "see".  The first one was pretty easy for me.  I instantly saw ocean creatures and coral.  Not many, but some.  Then the other one was a huge struggle.  Birds, "flowers" and a tiny childlike house.  I drew what I saw but I am not so happy with either one.  What I learned though is the more varied my brush strokes are, the better chance I will have of finding something in my painting without the use of magic mushrooms. (no mushrooms were harmed in this exercise I promise but from what i have heard, they would have probably helped me "see" things) 

So that's that.  Keep on smiling and enjoy your life. 

Remember.......

Life is for the Living!!!!!!!

I'm Trying

Faith is not something I have always had.  I mean, I guess I have had it, but I never really felt it.  So, I guess that means I didn't really have it.  It's funny how when you lose someone you are so very, very close to, like the two people who created you and brought you into this world, you start to feel like you have to have faith, you have to believe.  You have to believe that there is something greater that their souls go to when they leave this world.  That their bodies don't just rot in the ground or in a coffin and that is the end.  I can't believe that, I won't believe that.  What is the point to our lives if that is all there is in the end?

There have been few times when I have really felt like I needed to have something bigger to hold on to.  When I had to believe or I could simply not carry on.  I begged for there to be more and for a second chance once when I was looking death in the face and I have begged for there to be more when my mom died.  Now that my dad has died also, I have decided that simply begging isn't enough.  I have to believe.  I have to commit.  I have to not doubt that which I cannot see.  How can I expect there to be more when I won't commit to believing that there is?  And more importantly, what do I have to lose?  If there isn't more, then i will never know the difference.  But if there is more, oh my goodness, why would I want to miss out on that simply because I wouldn't believe?

It will be a process, it will be a time of learning and questioning.  It will be a journey but one I am willing to take.  I am so blessed to have people in my life willing to teach me, to walk beside me and help me.  There is something bigger.  I have to believe it, I have to live it, I have to let it into my heart.  If I ever want to stop not allowing myself to see the joy in the Holidays and the birthdays that come along, the Mother's Days and the Father's Days that I no longer can celebrate, the anniversaries, the start of the new Seasons, then I have to believe that there is something MORE!!!  That God IS. That my mom and dad are exactly where they BELIEVED they would be when their spirits left this world.  That they are together again, maybe not as husband and wife, but as something even more amazing and wonderful.  That I will see them again.  So this Advent Season, I am beginning my journey.  I may stumble along the way, I may have my doubts, but I will stick with it and I will find  my way.  It may not be by this January, when dad and mom would have both celebrated their birthdays, it may not be by April, when they would have celebrated another year of marriage, but it will happen.

My New Year's Mantra

Today makes 2 months since daddy passed on.

Today, I came up with 2015's Mantra:

I CHOOSE HAPPINESS

This will be the last mantra I ever set for a New Year and I am starting it now.

There never needs to be another one.

This one covers it all.

With Happiness in my heart,

fear, sadness, anger, grief and guilt

have no room.

Happiness in my heart only makes room for 

LOVE.

Today was an awakening.

Nothing out of the ordinary,

just an understanding that came over me.

Another dream a few nights ago,

telling me again that they are okay,

and to please LIVE.

Live with Happiness.

Life is for the Living.

I spent some time outside today.

It was rainy, cloudy, dreary by anyone's standards.

But I sat down and the chickens came over to me,

my dog laid down next to me,

the birds darted and chirped around me.

All of the simple beauty of my life became so clear to me.

I couldn't help but smile and laugh.

I took this photo with my Ipod

and when I looked at it,

I saw it.

Pure Happiness.

Yes, life is good.

Life is for the living.

I am ALIVE.

And so, 

though I will never stop missing you both

and wishing you were physically with me.

I will move forward and live my life

the way you loved to see me live it.

Full of laughter, love, little adventures

and crazy ideas.

And I will know you are there,

watching, rolling your eyes, smiling and laughing.

Today and for now on

I CHOOSE HAPPINESS!

Remembering and Reflecting

My Mom hated having her picture taken and she probably hates my whimsical rendition of her even more.  But if she can see this painting, I hope she sees what I was trying to capture were the things that made her my beautiful mom.....her beautiful blue eyes, her gorgeous white hair and the gentle smile and look she could have when she was letting her guard down and just letting herself feel loved.  The pearls around her neck represent the beautiful gift my dad gave her when they married.  Pearls that I have the honor of owning now but find myself to scared to wear for fear of losing them.

Three years ago today I lost my mom.  A quick, swift blow to my world and the rest of my life.  She was snatched from us in a blink of an eye, clearly a decision God made and was certain of, for there was no doubt she would not return to us in any form.  Regardless of how much my heart hurts because of that swift swipe of her life, I am so thankful for her that it happened that way.  It's how she would have wanted it.

The past three years have not been easy and try as I may, moving forward seems to happen at a snails pace.  My dad was my inspiration to move forward everyday because somehow, he, the person who loved her more than anyone, found the strength to get up everyday, accomplish what needed to be done in the day, care for himself, be productive and carry on.  If he could do it, then surely I could do it.  One month and 26 days ago, Daddy left me and went to be with Mom, ironically at just about the exact same time of day as she left us.  Actually, it's really not so ironic at all, they were one.    I guess he just didn't feel like getting up and doing it "all' everyday anymore and I can't say I blame him. You did an awesome job daddy, and I am so proud of you!!!!  I know you were tired.

Some people deal with death really well,  I am not one of those people,  Many people find comfort knowing their loved ones are in a better place.  I may believe that they are in a better place for themselves, but my selfish heart believes that the better place for them is here with me.  But I am tired of being sad.  I am tired of yearning for someone, or now for two someones, to come back to me or answer the phone when I call.  I don't want to be sad anymore.  I want to create art that is happy art, not art that is helping me work through DEATH.  It's enough already and surely people are tired of me still grieving.  But the thing is, just about when I thought I was going to be able to move on with mom's passing, daddy had to go and die.  Damnit!!!!!!  And as if losing your first parent isn't bad enough, losing the second one is worse.  It's final.  I have no more parents.  I am an orphan.

The best I can hope for is to find a way to keep moving forward.  My art is how I best express myself these days.  As pitiful looking as it may be, I keep putting myself in classes with super inspiring artists, real artists.  My work compared to their's is juvenile and messy.  But, it is mine and it is helping me express what I need to express.  My hope is to start focusing my art on something new and different.  Something inspiring and refreshing for me.  I have some tough days ahead with clearing out and closing up my childhood home and letting go of my attachment to it.  But I will keep my daddy's strength and determination in the front of my mind and will move forward and hope to make mom and dad proud.

Mom, I love you and miss you so much, but I know how overjoyed you are that daddy is there with you now.  I promise I will try and find comfort in that.  Halloween will never be the same ever again for me.  But hey, I just thought of something........you lost your mom on Halloween and yet every year you still insisted on going and getting candy to hand out at the house, knowing very well you would probably only have a handful of trick-or-treaters.  You wanted to be sure you had candy for whoever may come to the door.  I guess I should let you be my role  model and learn to celebrate this Holiday again.  I hope for you, there are trick-or-treaters in Heaven and you get more than a handful come to your door.  I love you and if you want to ring my doorbell tonight just to let me know you are happy, I promise to answer and have a frozen Snickers bar ready to hand you.                      

Happy Halloween Mom!!

Three Weeks Later

It's been three weeks since we said our final good byes.  The days go so slow and finding purpose in my days is a challenge.  I still go to cal you, morning and night, checking the clocks to see if it is time or if I am late.  Sometimes I still call, just to hear your voice on the message saying you can't get to the phone.
Last night I had such a vivid dream, though I know not of it's meaning.  It was Easter, a Holiday of celebrating re-birth.  I was home in my childhood neighborhood.  The church that was once across the street on the hill, that is now a Masonic Lodge, was a church again.  Crowds of people were gathering for Easter services and activities.  Family  members hiding Easter Eggs for a hunt that would happen later.   So many people gathering to celebrate a Holy Day.  I drove around the block, over and over again, past our house, but no one was ever home.  No car in the driveway, no main front door open and you standing at the storm door awaiting our arrival, no sign of life at all.  What struck me though was how bright WHITE everything was.  Everyone was wearing white and there was such a brightness and clarity to everything.  It frightened me, it was all so familiar but yet all so strange.  I just continued driving around the block, waiting for something to change, for some sign of life at my childhood home.  I watched everyone else and marveled at how happy and at peace they all were and wished I could stop, get out of my car and join them.  But I couldn't, I didn't belong.
I finally woke from that dream and remembered it so vividly.  All day I thought of  it and thought I had best write it down in hopes it would then leave my conscious and subconscious being.  It's clarity has haunted me all day and made me uncomfortable.
Three weeks have passed since I said my last good byes to you.  Three weeks of trying to understand that I will never see you on this earth again, that you will never be coming home to your things, will never complain to me again about all the solicitors that call you and all the junk you get in the mail.  Three weeks of not having been able to say good-bye the way I would want to say good-bye when I know it is the last time I will ever be able to say it again.  I wish you had come to me in that dream, i wish you had been standing in the doorway or driven up in your car.  I wish you never left and I wish I never had to say good-bye.

PS......please tell mom I love her and miss her oh so very much.

Using my Art

Everyday the mail brings more forms to fill out and mail back.  More ugly ways to remember my dad is no longer here with us.  When my mom passed, this didn't happen, but now that they are both gone, the paper work doesn't end.  Reading a Will that is written in the first person and hearing my dad's voice as I read words he would never actually speak in the real world is something I just can't bring myself to do.  I made it through less than half way, of the first paragraph and broke down sobbing. Not sure I will ever go back and read that paper......instead I handed it to Robby and asked him to just tell me what it is I need to do.

Through it all, I turn to the things that help me the most, my art and my family.  I am trying really hard to stay on top of my emotions and not let myself slip into a state that requires medication to get me out of.  Been there, done that, really don't want to re-visit that ugly place again.  Today, I made this entry in a journal I am doing for an on-line art class called "Kingdom Come".  I love the words to the song that accompanied the lesson and decided to include them in my journal entry.  This song continues to play over and over again in my head.  I believe it may just help.

 Oceans

Where Feet May Fail

Tiny, Small Steps

One week and two days ago, I lost my daddy.  I spoke to him on the phone early on a Friday morning and 30 minutes later, he was gone.  Just like that, in a blink of an eye, poof.  Just like my mom almost exactly 3 years ago.  And poof, just like that, my life, and that of my three brothers, has been changed forever.  How to move forward is the struggle I am dealing with now.  My daddy and I were always very close, but after the death of my mom, we became even closer.  He understood the pain in my heart from losing my mom, and I in return, understood the complete emptiness that he felt in his entire being, from losing the woman he had spent 58 years of his life beside.  I told him all the time, I did not know how he got up every morning and continued to move through his life and be productive.  But he did, day in and day out.
Some days, all he did was walk over to his workshop, turn on his Bose Radio that he was so proud of, listen to country music and sit in a chair.  No woodworking would be done, just reminiscing of a better time, a better life.  Other days,  he would be very productive, working for tedious hours on his clocks that he had become famous for.  Beautiful, wooden clocks that he made with love for friends, family and no one in particular.  They were a huge source of frustration for him, but also a huge source of diversion.  With his mind fully engaged on the building of the clocks, he had little room for thoughts of a love lost.  Though I am sure, she was always there, waiting in the wings for a moment to slip into a thought or two.  Perhaps there was a gentle nagging from her that he shouldn't be in the shop working with  power tools all alone.  Or perhaps she reminded him that he hadn't stopped to eat lunch and that it was getting late.
I called my daddy everyday, twice a day and on occasion, a few extra times in between.  I go to the phone to call him even now or realize I haven't called him and know he is going to be worried.  Then it hits me like the sting of freezing cold water when you plunge into an ice bath, he isn't there.  There is no one to call.  I call his phone anyway, just to let the answering machine or voicemail answer so I can hear his voice.  His voice that tells me he can't get to the phone right now, but if I leave him a message,  he will get back to me when he can.  It isn't true, but I listen anyway and then I weep.
There is a lot to be done still.  Things that didn't need to be done when my mom died.  There is an estate to handle and close up.  There are items to be divided and given away.  Soon, the only home I ever knew growing up, will be sold to a total stranger and I will never have that home to go back to.  The home my parents loved and cherished will never be the same.  No one could possibly love that home as my parents did or take care of it as well.  It will be sad to someday drive by and see that it is in need of work or that the lawn has grown full of weeds and in need of mowing.
I don't know how I will work through all of the emotions I am going through right now.  I imagine I will turn to this blog to write thoughts that no one really wants to read, but that I need to get out of my head.  I will probably create art, that no one will really want to see but that will help me express some of the ugly, depressing thoughts that are racing through my mind.  I will cry more tears which I didn't think was possible and I will spend time alone because it is better than having to be in a crowd.  I signed up for a year long art class on line today with Juliette Crane, called Serendipity 2.  Her art speaks to me through her whimsical creatures and girls.  Their faces speak to me with their thoughtful eyes and I am drawn to them.  I figure it will be a great way for me to express some of what is inside of me, without having to tire everyone with listening to me.
Tomorrow I will return to my job, not by choice, but by necessity.  My allotted time of "bereavement" is up.  How someone is able to put a number on the amount of days it takes to grieve the loss of a loved one, is beyond me.  Little children who have no idea what death is or the painful ache it leaves in your soul, will embrace me with their tiny arms, call out my name and pounce on my lap.  And in their best attempts to make me forget the reality of my life, they will make me smile and laugh, if only for a moment.  Tiny, small steps are all I can take right now.  And usually there is a long pause between steps.  It's all I can do.  I am in unchartered waters and know not of what is right or wrong.

Ramblings of an Unsettled Mind

I don't know what this post is going to be about.  I just feel the need to post something.  I am bursting.  Bursting with emotions, feelings, joy, desires, goals, wants, needs, ideas, dreams.

24 hours in a day and a good 8 of them being spent in darkness so that we can sleep and re-charge our body and soul is simply not enough.  Not enough for me to spend the amount of time that I have to spend at my job, the amount of time I want to spend on my art, the amount of time I want to spend in my veggie gardens, the amount of time I want to spend in my flower beds, the amount of time I want to spend making delicious homemade foods of all varieties and not enough time to spend being a loving and giving person to those I love the most.

There are so many things that are filling my tank right now and I am overflowing and don't seem to have an emergency tank to fill with the overflow.  I am so high on life right now and it is a feeling I have not had for so long, that I am not quite sure how to manage it.  I feel as if at some point it is all going to come crashing down around me if I don't get a grasp on all that I have going on.  I am famous for getting myself into too much and then not being able to control the situation any more and let it all crumble around me.  I don't want that to happen anymore.  I want to rein in this energy and get it under control so that I can retain some control.  I feel as if I am moving at warped speed and I am going to crash head first into a cement wall if I don't watch my step.

I haven't felt this alive and filled with energy in such a long time.  Life is great but it can become stagnant and everyday is routine and the in and outs of my day can feel as if I am on auto-pilot and have no real control.  I am surrounded by so much beauty and simple pleasures, I really want to just take the time to enjoy it all.  I feel like I have been given a specified amount of time to enjoy this freedom and I am just trying to squeeze every bit of life, freedom and carefree living out of it that I can.  For I know, the shoe will drop at some point and this all will come spiraling down and I will start again from ground zero, yet one more time.

But in the mean time, I am going to keep hoping for more than 24 hours in a day and live life to the fullest, finding the beauty in the simplicity of it all.

Dear Mom

Dear Mom,
It is Sunday night, 5 days after your 82nd birthday.  I am sure it was quite the celebration for you and I imagined all day on Tuesday how you, your mom and dad, Uncle Danny, Uncle Pete and Aunt Janie must be spending the day.  I sang you Happy Birthday and you were kind enough to give me a snow day to stay home and celebrate your day.  Had you been alive and here with me, I know we would have spent it in the snow building snowmen and using my hats and scarves to dress them with.  Then you would have insisted on us making Snow Cream to eat with a Fresh Coconut Cake I would have baked for you.  We would have eaten that early in the day of course so that we could make huge banana splits together to eat in the evening.  Remember how I would come home to Richmond for your birthday and would stop somewhere first and buy a Banana Split to bring home to you and one for me and Butter Pecan ice cream for dad?  You didn't care if you got a present, just as long as we could have our ice cream together.  I looked forward to your birthdays for that reason almost as much as I look forward to my own birthday, hahahaha.  So I guess my question for you is, do they have banana splits in heaven and if so, are they as good as they are here on earth?

Yesterday, Robby and I went home to spend the day with dad.  We went out to the cemetery to spend some time with you but it was sooooo cold.  There was still snow on the ground and the pond was partially frozen.  But the ducks were still out on the pond and the fountain still ran.  As you know, I always feel such peace when I am there to visit.  How I wish I was able to come every week so that we could spend more time together.  I always have so much to tell you, even though I have conversations with you everyday on my 84 mile commute to and from work.  Somehow it just isn't the same talking to you in my car, all alone, as it is when I am sitting there at the cemetery where we said our last goodbyes.  I am sure the people who pass me on 81 often wonder who on earth I am talking to, hahahaha.

Once we got back to the house, Bill came over and brought his girlfriend Teri over for us to meet.  Jess, Joe and Olivia came over too.  It was so nice to see Bill so happy and Teri is a really wonderful girl.  She was so easy to talk to and is very down to earth.  You would have liked her very much, of that I am certain.  It was so great to see Jess and Joe.  They are such a cute couple and Olivia is just the sweetest little bundle of love.  You know me and babies, I had to have my hands on her the whole time they were visiting.  Even when she was crying, I didn't want to hand her back over to Jess, I just wanted to find the way to soothe her and make her happy.  She loves to stand up and hold onto your fingers and dance.  And let me tell you, she is quite the little dancer for a 6 month old.  It is so great to have a baby around again.  Brings back such wonderful memories of Garrett, Reed, Evan and Trevor.  Daddy loves that little cutie pie too, very much.  It is so cute to see him hold her and talk to her.  I know he never thought he would see the day that he would become a Great Papa.

Leaving dad to come back home is never easy.  I hate leaving him in that house alone with nothing but memories.  But you would be so proud of how well he is doing.  He stays busy in his playhouse and just finished his 16th clock.  He has no idea who he will be giving this one to, but he made it anyway.  As nervous as it makes me thinking of him in that playhouse alone with power tools, electric saws and his other "toys", I know it is his therapy and it is what gets him through each and every day.  I believe that you watch over him when he is in there and protect him from harm.

As for me, I have come a long way from where I was this time 2 years ago.  I don't miss you any less, if anything I miss you more.  But I have been able to heal some and know in my heart you are in a better place.  I feel your presence when I need you the most and know that you are right there with me.  I know you have been watching over my boys and see the wonderful things they are doing in their lives.  I know you know that I am in a loving place in my life and am the happiest and most at peace with myself and my life as I have ever been.  Each and everyday seems to bring me a little more peace than the day before.  I don't know what exactly to attribute this overwhelming sense of calm and contentment too, but I am so grateful for it.  Good things keep coming to me and an inner strength I have never known before has taken up home in my soul.  Burdens and guilt I have carried with me for years have been lifted.  Life is good!!

Well, I guess that is all I have to say for now.  I love you so and wish so much that I could call you on the phone like I always did on Sundays.  It doesn't seem fair that I get to talk to you whenever I want, but I never get to hear you talk back.  Funny how that is, right?  There were so many times when I was younger that I would have given anything not hear you talk back when I was talking to you, or screaming at you, or crying at you.  Now I would give anything and everything just to hear one more word come from your mouth.

Happy Birthday, my dear sweet momma.  I love you with every fiber of my being.
Your loving daughter,
Doodle Bug

We Are Family

 

 

 

Yep, that is my family.  Not all of it, but a good bit of it.  In that photo is missing my oldest son, who lives in California, my oldest brother, who was in Texas for the Holiday, his daughter Meredith, who was spending time with her other PaPaw who is in the hospital, my niece Jessica and her husband Joe and their baby Olivia, they were in Massachusetts with Joe's family, and my nephew Dane and his wife Callie. He is in Texas in the Air Force and she is visiting him there before he is sent off to his next post.

 

We all gathered together at my brother Dan's house in Williamsburg for Thanksgiving.  It was such an amazing day.  Our family really is so wonderful.  I use to think that is was my mom who brought us all together, and it probably was.  But what makes me so happy, is that with my mom gone now, we make the effort to get together and spend the Holidays together.  Even though we aren't always able to be physically together, we are all there in spirit, and I feel that.  Life is hard.  We all have our own families, responsibilities, schedules, etc. but we still make time.  We still find a way.  It isn't easy, it isn't spontaneous, but we make it happen. 

 

It is true, I cried like a baby when we had to leave Thanksgiving night so that we could get my dad back home so he could be ready for his dialysis treatment in the morning and the rest of my family, kids included, stayed behind and continued to celebrate together.  But, there were tears of joy mixed in with those tears of sadness.  Joy that my kids felt comfortable staying behind to spend the night with their aunt and uncle so that they could visit with them longer.  Joy that they were welcomed into my brother's home as if it were their own and could stay as long as they pleased.  Joy that no matter how much time passes between our visits with each other, we pick right up as if it was just a matter of hours that we were all together last. 

 

My family means the world to me.  I am the only girl and the youngest of four children.  I was and am still spoiled rotten.  NOT spoiled ever with material things, but spoiled with unconditional, un-wavering love from my family.  From my earliest memories, I have ALWAYS known that I was loved dearly by my mom, dad and all 3 of my older brothers.  I never, ever doubted for a minute or even a second that I was loved.  And I hope with all my heart that no one in my family has ever doubted my love for them.  Our family is not perfect.  We have our share of ups and downs and misunderstandings like all families do.  But love always prevails. 

 

I have been in some dark places recently in my mind.  This happens to me from time to time.  Bouts of depression are something that I battle constantly.  But this Holiday season, even with my depressive times, I am starting to see how lucky I really am.  I am fighting it and choosing to see the happy moments and the beauty in life.  It is easy for me to dwell in the sadness and darkness.  It is easy for me to be sad that my mom is not here to be with us.  But what I have realized is that doesn't change anything.  It won't bring my mom back and it won't make the memories I could be making, happy ones.  I know my mom would not want me sacrificing happiness in order to keep her memory alive.  That isn't necessary.  Her memory will be kept alive even if I am happy and am enjoying the life that I still have to live.  My mom loved the Holidays and would want all of us to enjoy them and

celebrate them as she raised us to do. 

 

The past two days, I have been doing a lot of thinking and soul searching.  Through my art, practicing yoga and just sitting and being, I have come to an inner peace and happiness I have not known in a while.  I am in charge of my happiness.  I am in charge of my misery.  It is my choice to be one or the other.  I choose happiness. 

 

I leave you with a few photos that I took of some of the things that make me happy.  Sites I see everyday that make me smile.  Simple, un-pretentious sites that make me happy.  May they make you smile too.  Happy Holidays to you all.

XXOO