Life Is Busy

Wow!!!  Today is the last day of the first month of 2015.  This month has flown by.  This year, 2015, is a year I have been waiting for since 2004 when my life changed drastically.  I have not been looking forward to this year, but I knew it would arrive no matter what.  This year is a year I wish to drag by, pass ever so slowly and if Summer never came, it would be fine by me.  But at the same time, this is a year that I hope to prove to myself just how much I have grown and changed in my mind set and in my inner strength.  Few people in my life know of the event that changed my life in 2004 and why this year is such a big year to me.  In time, as the Summer gets closer, I will probably write of the event in more detail, as that will be my coping mechanism.

This new year has had me making multiple trips to Richmond to help one of my brothers organize my childhood home and prepare it to be placed on the market in about 2 weeks.  This has been both emotionally draining and spiritually healing all at the same time.  Spending time in my parent's home without them being there anymore, conjures up many, many feelings.  At first it was not so difficult and sorting through things that could be tossed, donated, kept or sold was easy.  But as things become more personal and the home I know and have loved all of my life, is being stripped of everything that is familiar, I start to find it more difficult to let go.  Moving ahead is what we need, must, do.  We have no choice.  None of my brothers nor I wish to buy the house and live in it, so we must sell it.  While my head understands this and it makes perfect sense, my heart is breaking a little each time one more thing is donated or deemed "junk".  With each bag and box placed either in the trash or in our car, we are one step closer to letting go our our childhood home.  The odds and ends that I decided I had to keep, have found places of honor in my home and when I walk past them, I find myself whispering "hi mom and dad" or "I love you" or "I miss you both so much."  It is nice seeing these little reminders throughout my home and seeing that I was able to find a way to fit them into my eclectic idea of decor.  I pray that whomever moves into my parents house, finds it to be the HOME that we all loved for all of our youth and for most of my parents adult lives.  I would love to see a young family move in and find a way to make the house their home.  I don't really want to see an elderly couple move in because that just means in the near future, it would be up for sale again.  I have always hated driving past old houses I have lived in and loved as an adult, and seen how the new owners don't take are of it the same way, or ripped out all of my flowers or gardens I planted.  I am pretty certain it will hurt 100 times worse to see someone not take pride in my childhood home and let the gardens go and not keep up the yard as my parents did.  My mom ALWAYS said, "This house may not be much to anyone else, but to me, it is my Castle."  And she meant it, she LOVED that home so much and took so much pride in everything she did there.  Please God, let someone else just like that, find that home and make it their Castle too.

In the time I am not in Richmond, Robby and I have undertaken the job of painting the entire inside of our house.  Moving things in from my mom and dad's had made me want to freshen things up around here this winter.  It is the perfect project for this time of year since we can be outside.  But, as much as I love painting our house inside, I am ready to be done.  I would much rather be in my studio painting something creative on a canvas or a wooden board.  I have started seeds already for the vegetable garden this year and am trying to stay on top of that.  I have so many different varieties of plants I want to try and the only way i know to do that, is grow them myself.

And one last thing, like so many other people who have a "word" for each year, I have one for this year.  It shall be the word "Free".  I want to be Free of paralyzing fear this year and for now on in my life, Free of guilt from past mistakes I have made, Free of grief and sadness that I don't have control over.  Free to experience all the beauty that life has to offer, Free to express myself through my art, whether that be cooking, painting or gardening, Free to be the very best mother, wife, sister and friend that I can be.  Yes, 2015 is a year I have dreaded for the past 11 years, but I am determined to make it be a year that will leave a positive imprint on me and not a negative one.

Life is busy, but it is full of love, love for me and love for me to give to others.

Tiny, Small Steps

One week and two days ago, I lost my daddy.  I spoke to him on the phone early on a Friday morning and 30 minutes later, he was gone.  Just like that, in a blink of an eye, poof.  Just like my mom almost exactly 3 years ago.  And poof, just like that, my life, and that of my three brothers, has been changed forever.  How to move forward is the struggle I am dealing with now.  My daddy and I were always very close, but after the death of my mom, we became even closer.  He understood the pain in my heart from losing my mom, and I in return, understood the complete emptiness that he felt in his entire being, from losing the woman he had spent 58 years of his life beside.  I told him all the time, I did not know how he got up every morning and continued to move through his life and be productive.  But he did, day in and day out.
Some days, all he did was walk over to his workshop, turn on his Bose Radio that he was so proud of, listen to country music and sit in a chair.  No woodworking would be done, just reminiscing of a better time, a better life.  Other days,  he would be very productive, working for tedious hours on his clocks that he had become famous for.  Beautiful, wooden clocks that he made with love for friends, family and no one in particular.  They were a huge source of frustration for him, but also a huge source of diversion.  With his mind fully engaged on the building of the clocks, he had little room for thoughts of a love lost.  Though I am sure, she was always there, waiting in the wings for a moment to slip into a thought or two.  Perhaps there was a gentle nagging from her that he shouldn't be in the shop working with  power tools all alone.  Or perhaps she reminded him that he hadn't stopped to eat lunch and that it was getting late.
I called my daddy everyday, twice a day and on occasion, a few extra times in between.  I go to the phone to call him even now or realize I haven't called him and know he is going to be worried.  Then it hits me like the sting of freezing cold water when you plunge into an ice bath, he isn't there.  There is no one to call.  I call his phone anyway, just to let the answering machine or voicemail answer so I can hear his voice.  His voice that tells me he can't get to the phone right now, but if I leave him a message,  he will get back to me when he can.  It isn't true, but I listen anyway and then I weep.
There is a lot to be done still.  Things that didn't need to be done when my mom died.  There is an estate to handle and close up.  There are items to be divided and given away.  Soon, the only home I ever knew growing up, will be sold to a total stranger and I will never have that home to go back to.  The home my parents loved and cherished will never be the same.  No one could possibly love that home as my parents did or take care of it as well.  It will be sad to someday drive by and see that it is in need of work or that the lawn has grown full of weeds and in need of mowing.
I don't know how I will work through all of the emotions I am going through right now.  I imagine I will turn to this blog to write thoughts that no one really wants to read, but that I need to get out of my head.  I will probably create art, that no one will really want to see but that will help me express some of the ugly, depressing thoughts that are racing through my mind.  I will cry more tears which I didn't think was possible and I will spend time alone because it is better than having to be in a crowd.  I signed up for a year long art class on line today with Juliette Crane, called Serendipity 2.  Her art speaks to me through her whimsical creatures and girls.  Their faces speak to me with their thoughtful eyes and I am drawn to them.  I figure it will be a great way for me to express some of what is inside of me, without having to tire everyone with listening to me.
Tomorrow I will return to my job, not by choice, but by necessity.  My allotted time of "bereavement" is up.  How someone is able to put a number on the amount of days it takes to grieve the loss of a loved one, is beyond me.  Little children who have no idea what death is or the painful ache it leaves in your soul, will embrace me with their tiny arms, call out my name and pounce on my lap.  And in their best attempts to make me forget the reality of my life, they will make me smile and laugh, if only for a moment.  Tiny, small steps are all I can take right now.  And usually there is a long pause between steps.  It's all I can do.  I am in unchartered waters and know not of what is right or wrong.

Ramblings of an Unsettled Mind

I don't know what this post is going to be about.  I just feel the need to post something.  I am bursting.  Bursting with emotions, feelings, joy, desires, goals, wants, needs, ideas, dreams.

24 hours in a day and a good 8 of them being spent in darkness so that we can sleep and re-charge our body and soul is simply not enough.  Not enough for me to spend the amount of time that I have to spend at my job, the amount of time I want to spend on my art, the amount of time I want to spend in my veggie gardens, the amount of time I want to spend in my flower beds, the amount of time I want to spend making delicious homemade foods of all varieties and not enough time to spend being a loving and giving person to those I love the most.

There are so many things that are filling my tank right now and I am overflowing and don't seem to have an emergency tank to fill with the overflow.  I am so high on life right now and it is a feeling I have not had for so long, that I am not quite sure how to manage it.  I feel as if at some point it is all going to come crashing down around me if I don't get a grasp on all that I have going on.  I am famous for getting myself into too much and then not being able to control the situation any more and let it all crumble around me.  I don't want that to happen anymore.  I want to rein in this energy and get it under control so that I can retain some control.  I feel as if I am moving at warped speed and I am going to crash head first into a cement wall if I don't watch my step.

I haven't felt this alive and filled with energy in such a long time.  Life is great but it can become stagnant and everyday is routine and the in and outs of my day can feel as if I am on auto-pilot and have no real control.  I am surrounded by so much beauty and simple pleasures, I really want to just take the time to enjoy it all.  I feel like I have been given a specified amount of time to enjoy this freedom and I am just trying to squeeze every bit of life, freedom and carefree living out of it that I can.  For I know, the shoe will drop at some point and this all will come spiraling down and I will start again from ground zero, yet one more time.

But in the mean time, I am going to keep hoping for more than 24 hours in a day and live life to the fullest, finding the beauty in the simplicity of it all.

30 Years Later I Can Finally Say.........

Tonight, many of my high school friends will get together in my hometown, to celebrate 30 years of our graduating high school.  I won't be there to celebrate with them, but I have enjoyed catching up on Facebook with many of them.  So since I can't be there to talk about what life has brought to us over the past 30 years, I thought it would be a good subject to blog about. When I graduated from high school, I really was clueless as to what I wanted to do with my life.  I went away to college and chose a major in Physical Education.  Why?  I have no idea!!!!!  I had no idea what I wanted to do but had to pick something and that is what I chose.  That didn't last long.

This was me 30 years ago in my Senior Portrait:



 

 This photo really does just crack me up.  It so does not represent what I looked like in high school at ALL!!!!!!  I was not even allowed to wear make-up until I turned 18 but you would sure never know it from this photo.  I was also NOT allowed to color my hair or have a professional color my hair.  Clearly, this is not my natural hair color though.  I worked as a lifeguard during the summers and this particular summer I really, really wanted to have lighter highlights in my hair.  Knowing I couldn't go and have it done or get my friend Karin to do it, I took matters into my own sneaky hands.  I took a bottle of hydrogen peroxide, yep, the stuff you put on cuts, and poured it all over my hair while I was working at the pool, sitting in the sun and swimming in chlorinated water.  I was certain that it would give me the desired effect I was looking for and yeah, I was WRONG!!!!!  My hair was a lot longer than this picture shows, but I had a lot of it cut off so as to not have to look at so much horrible copper-brassy colored, dry, damaged hair.  My mom didn't say a word when I came home from work that day.  I guess she figured that my having to live with what I had done was enough punishment for me.  And of course, Senior Portraits were scheduled to be taken about two weeks after I had done this to myself.  I would forever have a photo to remind me of the error of my ways.  So between the heavy handed make-up the lady at Caston Studio put on my face and my horribly short, fake colored hair, I ended up with a photo that resembles someone I don't even know.

This was my high school picture the year before.  Notice I have on no make-up, my hair is pulled back and I put absolutely no effort at all into trying to look good for picture day.  Truth is, I remember completely forgetting it was picture day and I had on a hoodie sweatshirt all day because it was cold.  When they called my name to go down to have my photo taken, I just ripped off my sweatshirt, didn't brush my hair at all, sat down and smiled. Snap, picture was done.  We wore our cheerleading uniforms that day which is why I am wearing that sweater.  Funny thing is, this has always been my favorite photo of me in all of my years of school, besides maybe elementary school.  It looks like me, I was being myself and I was comfortable in my own skin.

"Comfortable in my own skin" is something I really never was in school.  I never felt like I fit in anywhere or with anyone.  I remember always feeling like I had to be someone different for every group I was with so that they would like me.  As a result, I never really had a "click" I belonged in.  I was just kind of friends with everyone but not really anyone's friend.  Actually, that isn't really true.  My best friend since I was 12 years old has been Karin, but at one point in high school, she dated one of my ex-boyfriends and he didn't want us being friends so I had a good 2 years or so of us not being able to hang out together or talk to each other, but that is another story.  (why do we as high school girls let boys control us like that?  so dumb!!!! ) 

My parents were really strict and that didn't help my social life any.  I wasn't allowed to date until I was 16 and I had a really early curfew, plus I had the fear of God instilled in me by my parents, so I didn't push the curfew thing or dare be late.  Don't get me wrong, I still pushed some limits, I just made sure I was done pushing those limits by 11:00 so I was home on time. I was not a saint for sure!
I met my high school sweetheart my senior year and he fell in love with me inspite of my awful hair :)  He had already graduated from my high school but took me to my senior prom and we dated for 5 years after that.  I broke up with him when I met the father of my 4 boys.  It wasn't a very pretty break up by anyone's standards, but I did do it in person, unlike today when kids send text messages or a tweet on twitter to let you know they are breaking up with you. 

I think the reason I was so quick to break up with my boyfriend was because I felt like I really was never going to be the type of girl he would want to marry.  He was working in the corporate world and I really didn't see me being the corporate wife.  I was too much of a free spirit for that and didn't think I would ever meet those standards.   Meeting someone who was from out of town and knew nothing about me gave me the chance to try to be as authentic as I could be.  And I was.  And that was enough.  For a while.

I went on to marry that man I broke up with my high school sweetheart for.  We were married exactly 1 year and 9 months later.  Looking back, it wasn't really a very long time to have been dating someone before you get married to them. When we met, he lived in Northern Virginia, I still lived in Richmond.  I packed up my belongings and moved to Northern Virginia 6 months after we met so I could be closer to him, we were engaged 6 months after that and married 9 months after that.  To make a 14 year long story short, let's just say that I gave birth to 4 AMAZING sons who are the reason for every breath I take.  I discovered that I am a really, really simple person who really, really loves life's simple pleasures.  I tried really hard to be the wife who loved wearing make-up, going out to social events, making small talk and talk about important worldly topics, but it just wasn't me.  I just really wanted to be at home with my kids and be good enough just as I was, not trying to be something I wasn't.  I had spent so many years of my teens and early twenties being someone I wasn't, I was tired of the game.  Some people are lucky enough to know exactly who they are, what they want and the path that they are going to take and stick with in life.  Then some, like me, take a little longer to find the confidence to believe in themselves and love themselves enough to not compromise any longer.  Don't laugh, but in Katy Perry's new song ROAR, she pretty much sums up how I spent the first, oh 38 years of my life.  These are the lyrics that ring so true to me:



I used to bite my tongue and hold my breath
Scared to rock the boat and make a mess
So I sit quietly, agreed politely
I guess that I forgot I had a choice
I let you push me past the breaking point
I stood for nothing, so I fell for everything

 

This is not a good way to live one's life and it brings a lot of sadness and heartache.  Being on my own was hard and I went through some really, really tough times that I don't wish on my worst enemy.  But when I came out on the other side, I was a new person who was ready to live my life as my authentic self since I had finally figured out who that was.  I was lucky enough to find a man who loves me for exactly who I am.  I told him all of my flaws and my past mistakes and dumped all of the baggage that comes with me at his feet and he didn't even flinch.  For once, because I finally was happy with the person I was, I was able to let someone love me completely and I wasn't afraid he would leave.  Robby has been my rock through some really tough times over the past 9 years that we have been together.  He loves my boys like they are his own and when my mom died 2 years ago this month, he watched me completely fall into a million tiny, little pieces and he patiently put all those pieces back together again with love and patience.  He loves me without makeup, doesn't mind that I don't want to color my hair anymore and am letting it go gray.  He is blind enough to think that the art I create is good and he is brave enough to eat anything I cook and place in front of him.  He helps me pursue my dream of raising free range, organic chickens and eggs and has promised we can have some more animals once I quit my job.  He helps me tend the very large organic veggie garden we have and even helps with the canning and preserving of all the extra we have.  Now, Robby is a hot blooded male and he does love it when every now and then I decide to put away my hippy, tree hugging, granola, crunchy-ways for a few hours and dress up a little, put on a little bit of makeup, wear my hair down and wear some shoes that aren't my Birckenstocks, hahahaha.  Lucky for me, getting dressed up to him means I can wear tight fitting jeans,  a blouse or sweater and my cowboy boots or a dress and my cowboy boots!!!  (gotta love those country boys)  We fit perfectly together, but it took me 38 years to find that perfect fit. 

 

Robby and I have been married for 3 years.  I am soooo happy I decided to be brave and get married again before my mom passed.  She loved Robby so much and knew how good he was for me and to me.  I truly believe our wedding day was one of the many, happiest days of her life and I am so glad she was here for it.  She certainly was surprised out how my life turned out and what it was that truly made me happy in the end.  She NEVER imagined I would live out in the country on 80 acres and have the dream of living off the land.  She certainly never thought I would grow to love cooking as much as I do considering I did not know how to cook one thing when I moved out of my parents house when I was 20.  I know it must have been so hard on her watching me take so long to "find" myself and settle down.  I have a gypsy soul and that is not easy for a parent to live with, I know, I have a son who has my same gypsy soul!!!!!  You never stop worrying about what will become of them. 

 

 

This is me today. My hair is only colored on the ends but that's because it is growing out from my last coloring job 2 years ago. The lovely "platinum" highlights are God's gift to me and I wear them proudly. And as you can see, I am not wearing makeup :)

 

And this is me wearing my favorite accessory, that ridiculously huge smile that appears very often and that I am proud to say, I am actually famous for :)  Okay, I admit, I did blow dry my hair straight this day.  Humidity was low and I wanted to change it up a bit, hahahaha.  By the way, I am so stinking happy in this photo because I scored two awesome vintage books to use in my mixed media art, for a whopping 50 cents a piece.  Now that will make this girl SMILE!!!!!!!

 

 







Wow, this has really turned into a long post and I am not sure it even went where I started out thinking it would go.  BUT, I do know the point was, I was reflecting on my life over the past 30 years.  It would be nice to have been able to go to my reunion tonight and talk to the people that knew me way back when.  I would love to know if any of them felt the same way I did in school and if it has taken any of them as long as it has taken me to get where I am happy with my life.  I guess that is part of the reason too that I didn't  make a bigger effort to go.  It is easy for me to chat on Facebook with people and they like what they see and read, but what if when I really showed up in person, I wasn't who they thought I would be?  I like to think that, that young, incredibly insecure Debbie is really gone, but I am not sure I am really ready to test it, hahahaha.  I know I wouldn't have the energy to change on the spot and be someone different, so they would just get what they get.  But on second thought, I probably should have gone because I am pretty sure they would all think I was just fine:) 

 

30 years later I can finally say......... I love myself, I love my life and I can't wait to see what the next 30 years have to show me.  Happy 30 Year High School Reunion to me and all of my 1983 J.R.Tucker High School classmates!!!!!!!!


Stuck

I have not written anything this summer.  I have taken so many pictures with the intentions of writing a post, but then don't.  My summer has been full and empty both at the same time.  Full with things I don't necessarily want to be doing and empty of the things I do want to do.  My mind is full of worry and racing thoughts concerning my kids and their futures, my dad and his health and the speed at which my life is flying by and the amount of time I spend not following my dreams and trying to make them come true.

I am stuck. 

I want to do more art, but I don't.  I want to spend time in my gardens making them prettier, but I don't.  I want to stay on top of the cleaning in my house every week, but I don't.  I want to make everything perfect for my kids, but I can't.  I want to take my dad's loneliness and sadness away, but I can't.  I want to start doing yoga again to see if it will help with my joint pains, but I don't. 

I am hoping this is just a phase and will soon pass. I am trying to find answers and am praying for some clarity. 

I hope to be back soon with happy posts and pictures.

The High and now for the Low

This is me writing for me.  What I would normally write in a journal that was for my eyes only, not for other people to read and where I have a little voice in the back of my head telling me to be mindful of what I write.

Yesterday was my 48th birthday and what a grand day it was.  Three of my amazing sons were here from Friday afternoon until late yesterday evening.  My son Reed brought his girlfriend who just happens to be a girl that worked in the same doctor's office as I did a few years ago.  She is wonderful and it made that whole awkward, getting to know someone stage, non-existent because we have been friends for years.  Having my kids around me, laughing, joking, talking, sleeping, eating, just being my kids, is just the greatest of joys to me.  We just have such a great time together and a bond that can never, ever be broken.  We are a goofy bunch and I am certain very different from many other families.  When they leave, it leaves such a hole in my heart.  The house is so quiet today and it is rainy and cloudy outside, so it just makes that hole seem even more gaping than usual.  I miss them.

We also had baby chick eggs hatching since Friday.  That has been stressful but is finally over.  Out of 21 eggs, only 12 of them hatched and survived.  This was a much more difficult incubating and hatching experience from what I remember from last year and our survival rate was not as good.  I am hoping all 12 will do well and continue to grow and live.  I am nervous to get to attached to them in case something should happen over the next few days.  One chick who had been born with what I thought was something called spraddle leg, died this morning.  I was afraid this would happen as she was not able to walk like the others.  I had band her legs to try and help her, but in the end, she wasn't strong enough and lost her short little battle.

Dad is also very sick right now which is making me so sad.  I don't know what to do for him to make him better, and what is being done for him, to make him better, makes him so sick feeling in the process.  His voice is so weak sounding on the phone and I know his body is weak too.  My birthday just wasn't the same without him feeling good.  He didn't even remember until the day before that it was my birthday.  He has just been feeling so bad and out of it.  He didn't even remember to tell me Happy Birthday when I talked to him yesterday morning but did remember when I talked to him last night.  He was so apologetic for forgetting and felt so bad.  I am not upset that he forgot my birthday but upset that he is so sick that this is happening.  I feel like I am losing him and it just makes me so sad.  I just really, really need for him to get better and be back to his normal self.  I just really, really need for my mom to be alive still to take care of him so he is not alone.  He is just sitting in his house, sick, all by himself with know way of making himself better.  When he goes to dialysis on  Monday, Wednesday and Friday, they do what they can to help make him better, but it's just not fast enough. I keep praying for him and I will not stop.  Yesterday as I thought about the fact that I was turning 48, I felt so conflicted about my reactions to daddy's being sick.  I am 48, just 2 years from 50.  My dad is 83 but yet I feel like a little girl whose daddy is sick.  When I think about my daddy, I don't view myself as a grown up who knows these things come with older age and that this process is inevitable.  I just think and feel like a little girl who doesn't want to see her daddy sick and doesn't know how to deal with it as a grown up.  I don't know how to accept it and realize it is the way things are. 

I need the sun to come back out to play, to light up the green freshness in the woods, to make the flowers lift their heads and rejoice in the brightness of the day, to make my seeds want to sprout and grow to the sky.  I need another day of hope and possibilities.  I need to feel it is all going to be okay and for yesterday's pure happiness to return, right now.

This is Me, Emptying My Mind

I am on my way to Richmond, it's 7:20am, Hurricane Sandy is approaching the East Coast.  It is almost the one year anniversary of mom's passing and I am going to see my dad and go visit mom.  Robby is driving and I am watching out the window, looking at the thick, dark clouds this "nor'easter" is bringing, the changing leaves on the trees, the deer in the fields and thinking about mom's last days, and writing down all of these thoughts as we drive.  This will be my blog post.  Not a pretty one or happy one.  But this blog started as a place for me to empty my thoughts out into the universe, and this is one of those kind of posts.  So please, bare with me.

This would have been a Friday last year and I would have been on my way to work, so happy it was Friday finally and looking forward to spending the weekend with my boys.  Mom would have been home, having dropped dad off at dialysis.  Probably reading the paper and having some coffee, enjoying some alone time.  Or did she have a feeling her days were nearing an end?  Could she feel the clot forming in her brain which would soon explode, causing so much damage instantly that she would no longer know how to breathe on her own?  Daddy said she did a lot of extra cleaning those last few days, fretting over small things and needing everything to be perfect.  So typical of her if she thought people would be coming by the house.  Their house is always clean and picked up and super organized, but daddy said she was really going over and above normal.  Why?

I am perfectly aware that it is morbid and of absolutely no use for me to dwell on these types of thoughts, but it is how my mind works.  And NOTHING can make it not work this way.  It is where my mind goes when I am not occupying it with some other productive thoughts.  Riding in the car is the worst!!!!  The 45 minute drive to work and then home from work and this 2 hour and 15 minute drive to Richmond.  My mind is free to think about anything, and this is what it thinks about.

I don't remember if  I talked to mom that Friday or Saturday.  I do know that I spoke to her on Sunday evening, as did Evan, Trevor and Robby.  Mom sounded tired, but not alarmingly so.  I remember after she died, I kept asking Robby if she sounded different to him?  Did she say anything strange or unusual?  Did I miss something in her voice that should have let me know that something wasn't right and I should have done something?  His answer was always the same, "no."  But how could she have been 12 hours away from dying and us not know it?  How could she not know it, or did she?  Was her head hurting and she wasn't saying anything about it?  I have SO MANY QUESTIONS and NO ANSWERS!!!!! That makes me crazy.  I have always had a knack for figuring things our, investigating and snooping around until I find out what I need to know.  But that is useless in this case.

As we are driving, I am looking up to the sky and wondering if mom can see me looking for her?  Can she see me writing this all down and does she see that when I have dreams with her in them, that I can never see her face?  I just know the person in the dream is her.  Why when I was in the cave in Montana, was that the only time that I could see her completely?  She was right beside me, resting her head on my shoulder because she is shorter than me and her arms were wrapped around me.  Holding me so that the black darkness of the cave would not frighten me.  Why is that the only time in a year I have been able to see her face?

How does my dad wake up everyday and want to go on?  His life consists of dialysis 3 days a week and then being home alone, for the exception of my one brother who comes over on his lunch break 5 days a week and another brother who comes once a week and the occasional visits from my other brother and I.  We both live 2 1/2 hours away and don't get home as often as I am sure we would both like to.  How can my dad bare the evenings and night time?  Where does he find the strength and desire to want to go on?  I admire him so much for carrying on though I know his days are tough and very hard on him.  I talk to him twice a day because it is all I can do, but it's not enough.

I can't help but think about my nephew who I will see today.  He came to Richmond on that day with his mom and dad.  He was only 15 at the time and he had to be there with us in the hospital, in mom's room, watching a machine breathe for her while we waited for my dad to return from his dialysis treatment that had been put off for 10 hours.  All the while knowing that when his Papa came back, we would be taking his Nana off the machine that was keeping her body alive.  He had to watch his dad, his uncles and his aunt go through the pain of losing their mom.  Me, the aunt he associates with happiness, silliness and laughter, unable to do anything other than hold her mom's hand, caress her hair and beg her to please open her eyes and not leave me.  No 15 year old should have to witness all that, but he never said a word or left the room to be alone.  His courage and strength was steadfast.

So, now I am here.  I find odd comfort here.  I wish that I lived closer because I would come visit everyday.  I could sit and talk to mom for hours.  I never get to come by myself to see her and just sit and talk about my life and thoughts.  I have new flowers to put on her marker for the Fall and the one year.  We will all come back here together today to do that.  I really wish the sun would shine because it is so pretty here when the sun is out.  The birds chirp and fly from tree to tree, the ducks fly onto the pond and an odd peace comes over me.  But on days like today, there is just gloom and darkness.  I can't come back here on Wednesday because I will be back at home and at work.  My mom lost her mom on October 31 also, 10 years earlier.  I wonder if October 31 of some year is when I will see the both of them again.  Maybe that will be the day I get my answers.  Or maybe then, it won't matter anymore, I will instantly understand it all.

I love you and miss you with all my being.

Staying in The Present

A few days ago I wrote as my status on facebook that I am trying to stay in the present, one day at a time.  But that's not really what I want to do. 

 

Staying in the present means I am re-living the morning of October 31, 2011

over and over again in my head.

 

Staying in the present means I keep thinking about what I could have done

to have made that day turn out differently, even though I already know the answer...

nothing.

 

Staying in the present means that I am trying so hard

 to be excited for a holiday that I don't want to even hear about, but have no choice because I now work at a daycare center where it is what my two year olds are so excited about. 

 

Staying in the present means thinking about the past

and getting stuck in it.

 

My Prayer For You

I pray.....

 you find what you are looking for.

May the road not be too rough.

May you see that I have only love for you,

even though that is not enough.

 

Your spirit is wild and free,

it cannot be confined.

Make those dreams realities,

that now only exist in your mind.

 

You've left me once again,

to live life your own way.

My rules and expectations

were too much to make you stay.

 

I will always be right here for  you,

on that you can depend.

My love for you had a beginning,

but believe me, it has no end.

 

Watching one of our children go out into this world and try to figure it out on their own is so hard.  Especially when they go about it in a way that we cannot wrap our heads around.  Seeing myself in one of my own children, and seeing it as a challenge for them is hard.  How do you direct a child to do something that you yourself had such a struggle doing yourself.  I feel like such a hypocrit because I know how I was at the age of 21.   We all need to live our own lives and make our own mistakes.  I know this and believe it.  So why is it so hard to sit back and let my kids figure life out for themselves?  It is so natural as a mother to not want our children to suffer.  But what happens when all of your attempts and suggestions fall on deaf ears?  I have 3 more sons to watch go through their late teens and early 20's and I am not going to lie, I am scared to death.  I just wish I could look into a crystal ball and see that all 4 of my boys make it through these tough years, come out on the other end with maybe a few scatches and bruises (because we all need those in order to understand life completely) but with their heads on straight and a good understanding of the direction they are headed in.  What parent wouldn't love that?

I love you GRP!!!!





Waiting For An Answer



My Shadow in the Sand.

After 10 years of not going on a vacation, I finally made it back to the ocean.

Robby and I went to the beach with some old friends and some brand new friends.

For me, it was a week of being able to try and clear my mind and restore my soul.

I have been working through some personal issues lately, and I knew by the end of my

week of vacation, I would have some answers to some questions.



Our lovely little home for the week which looked out onto the ocean.

That first balcony you see in that picture, that's where I spent many mornings

praying for strength and guidance.  Somehow, looking out onto the ocean

and all the greatness that surrounds it, made me feel like I had

a little better chance of my prayers being answered.  I knew

it may not be the answer I would want, but it would be the answer

that was right.



Sun rising up out of the ocean.



So as the sun came up, my prayers went out asking for a day

of understanding and patience.  And that if this was to be the day

my questions were answered, that I would be granted the strength to

understand and accept the answers.



Sun setting over the sound.



And as the sun set each day, I gave thanks for another day in which I was

able to become a better person and a little stronger.  And asked that the next day

bring me more understanding and acceptance.

Each day at the beach, I sat at the water's edge and let the crashing of the waves
and the warmth of the sun penetrate my entire being.  I could feel my body
being re-charged and the little things in life that just don't matter, washing away.



Sweet little Sand Pipers chasing after their  food.  They were so fast and so cute to watch.



Our little pet Gecko that hung out by the outdoor shower.  So adorable.



Not all of the ocean's treasures survive the currents.  Big jellyfish that couldn't make it back out to sea.



Hidden little gifts in the sand dunes.  I guess the hurricane washed them up this far.

 Of course, while I was on vacation getting some much needed mental rest, the locals on the island were  hard at work.  The local fishermen never seem to have time off.  Everyday these shrimp boats and fish
boats were out on the water in front of our house.  But oh boy, do they bring home some amazing seafood.
It was sooooo good to eat super fresh seafood.



Perhaps these delicious, super fresh scallops that we had for dinner, came from this boat below.



Those were some really happy seagulls following behind this boat.

Every morning Robby and I started our day out with a long walk on the beach.  It was so perfect being out on the sand walking when it was still really early and not many people were up and about.  One morning we walked for 2  hours without even realizing we had been walking that long.  It was just that PEACEFUL and SERENE. And in the afternoons, when I was content just to continue lying out on the beach, Robby would go for walks by himself.  Robby is NOT a beach bum by any stretch of the imagination.  He went on this vacation only because he knew how badly I wanted to see the ocean again.  But he was such a good sport, and at no point did he ever say to me that he wished he were back home in the mountains where he could be bow hunting since the season had begun.  He just went on his walks and let me enjoy my sand, surf and sun.



My baby on one of his walks.

In meeting my new friends, I learned how other families have dealt and deal with life's trials and tribulations.  It amazes me how when I sometimes feel I am all alone in my confusion and sadness, certain people are put into my life to show me that there is always hope and a brighter day.  I learned a lot from my new friends and from them found a strength and a courage that I wanted for myself.  They touched my life without even realizing what they were doing.  And for that, I am eternally grateful.



Over this walkway is where I found my solitude each and everyday.



If I can't have the mountains to look at everyday, it has to be this in it's place.



A message in the sand for my precious boys back home, Garrett, Reed, Evan and Trevor.

On my final day of vacation, I received the phone call I had been waiting for.

No more waiting and anticipating.  I knew my answers and I knew what had to be done.  I think there was a reason it took until the last day of my vacation to get my answer.  I  had an entire week to mentally prepare, go deep inside myself to learn how I would handle the outcome regardless of what is was.  I also believe I was meant to meet my 4 new friends so that I could take away some of the strength they have had to have to accept and endure the challenges life has thrown at them.

So, I have decided to move forward with what I know.  I am giving thanks for the strength I have and can now help those that need my help.  I know what I am dealing with, no more surprises.  It may be a tough road, but not nearly as tough as others have had.  Someone needs me to be there for them and to understand and support them.  I am ready for the job and I will only believe that things will get better.  Lessons have been learned and adjustments made. 



With this man by my side, there is nothing I cannot accomplish or hurdle I can't get over.

 Upon returning home and returning to our daily routine, Robby and I realized how much we
really love our life the way it is.  It's simple, it's quiet and the small things are more than
enough to keep us happy.  If we have each other and my kids, we have all we need.
Life is good and I am thankful.