Saying No So I Can Say Yes

If you were to see the inside of my head, it would look like the picture above.  Words floating around everywhere.  Questions, ideas, thoughts, worries, concerns, wishes, dreams.  Many, many words all circling around inside my little head, waiting to be acknowledged.  No, I'm not saying I hear voices in my head, just my own random and never ending thoughts.

I said last week that "tomorrow" I would discuss the second thing I am doing to try and find more balance in my  life.  Well, my tomorrow didn't really happen the next day, but it is happening today.  So here goes...

Most of my life I have had a hard time telling people how I really feel about something for fear of not telling them what they want to hear.  I don't know where I got this from, because to be honest, the most influential people in my life growing up were people who had no problem speaking what was on their mind regardless of the people that they hurt in the process.  I use to view this as a fault with people.  I thought it to be unkind to not consider how your words would make another feel.  But what I also found was that it was making my life very difficult not to be telling people how I really felt about something.  I realize now that I don't have to be rude, just maybe more direct.  As I am getting older, the reality of the fact that I don't have forever anymore, to do what I really want to do, is making me want to seize the moment even more.  I am not that old, 47, but I am old enough to know that in time, my body and later my mind, will slowly start to give out a little bit and make the life that I long to live more difficult to have.

When I quit my job several weeks back, I did so in a manner that was so very much not like me and in a way that I am not necessarily proud of.  I basically had reached a point of no return, and in a very passionate moment for myself, simply said "No."  No, I could not work another moment at my job.  For many personal reasons, which really have nothing to do with my job, I had reached that point, and then when a work related incident set me off, I just knew right then what the right thing for me to say at the time was, no.  After a few days of feeling in total shock at what I had done, and worrying about how I would find another job and what I would do, a peace of mind settled over me and a quiet comfort I had not known ever before, embraced me.  Suddenly I knew that I didn't know how my life was now going to play out, but that I was going to be okay.  Robby and I were going to be just fine and if I let it happen, my life would play out before me, just the way it was suppose to.  Robby told me that he wanted me to wait for a job to come along that I would be happy with and not just take something because it was a job.  He wanted me to be happy again with what I was doing, whatever that would be.  I told him I didn't know if I wanted to go back into patient care.  As much as I have always loved nursing, I am just not sure if it is what I want to continue to do.  Since my mom's passing, I find myself even more emotional around elderly patients and find it more difficult to work with them.  NOT that I don't care about their situations, I care too much and let it become to personal.  It is making my healing process an even more difficult and more drawn out process and I don't think that is too helpful for me.  So...... I don't know where I am going to end up working or what type of work I will be doing.  In the mean time, I have been doing a little planting for a friend of mine at her business.  She owns a wonderful ice cream stand ,Udder Temptations,  and I have loved being outdoors, digging in the dirt, being alone with my thoughts, and singing to myself while listening to some of my favorite music on my IPod.  I come home covered in dirt, fingernails a mess, sunburn on my shoulders and cheeks and a smile on my face. 

So...now that I realize I have rambled on and on and really said absolutely nothing, I guess I should explain real simply how me saying no is bringing me balance.  Basically it's really simple.  I am no longer going to do things that don't bring me closer to my and Robby's ultimate goal.  And at the risk of this sounding really selfish, I am done living and doing for others so that their opinion of me is not tarnished.  I CANNOT and WILL NOT any longer, live the way I think others want me or need me to live.  I do not ask that of others and I will no longer ask it of myself.  My first and only concern is the quality of life I provide for my children, my husband and myself.  I need to be happy both mentally and physically in order to be the best possible ME I can be, for the people that matter the most in my life.  I may have to make some sacrifices in areas of my life, not buy random things just because I think they are going to make me happy, not take un-needed trips in the car and use up gas that cost an arm and a leg these days, etc.,  but it will  all be worth it.  My goal is a simpler life and that means simpler living.  My hair is going to be gray, my skin is going to wrinkle and my hands and nails will never look to good again.  But my mind and spirit will shine and glow with an inner beauty I have never had before. 

Yes, when my mom died, my life turned upside down.  I have stepped back and taken a look at things in a whole new light.  My faith in God has been renewed because I can feel my mom telling me the direction to go in and that what I am doing is okay.  And in the end, my life will be in balance because I am saying NO so that I can say Yes.

I am ending with a few pictures of some of the things that are bringing me balance and making me feel really happy these days.  Hope they bring a smile to your face too.  Tomorrow, or some day soon, I will write about the 3rd thing that is helping me find balance.

Finding the Balance

Two feet firmly planted on the ground, or so it would appear.  At the very moment this picture was taken, yes, I felt very grounded and balanced.  But in a moment's notice, it can all change, right?  I know this for a fact now, thanks to many things that have happened over the past 7 months.  I mean, I guess I actually already knew it, but the past 7 months have made it painfully clear to me. 

Change is not always welcomed nor is it something we can always have control over.  What we can control is how we react to that change.  That is something I have not been controlling very well lately, and I have decided it is time to change that.  Yep, the time has come. I am breaking out the BIG GIRL PANTIES!!!!!

Okay well maybe not this big of Big Girl Panties, but you get the idea.  But there are a few changes that are going to take place in my life.  I am not going to spend an entire post writing about all of them at one time.  There are probably 3 major changes and I will talk about each of them on separate posts.  So, here goes:

Number one is taking back control of the food that goes into my body.  I have really slacked up on my eating habits of late.  Winter is usually filled with comfort foods to begin with, but then you throw in some sadness and depression, a heaping measurement of grieving and you have yourself the perfect recipe for how to gain an unwanted 10 pounds and that feeling of sluggishness (is that even a word?).    Being able to plant veggies and having access to fresh food daily always makes it easier to eat better.  That is why i love Spring.  The whole renewal and fresh beginnings thing is sweet.  Even though I am not a vegetarian and certainly not close to a Vegan, (hello?  have you heard me talk about my CHICKIES and my fresh EGGS?) I am all about eating a ton of fresh locally grown, preferably organic fruits and veggies.  If not from my garden and property, then from some place real close by.  A vegetarian lifestyle lends itself so freely to Spring/Summer eating.  It's easy to not want to bog down my gut with meat, but not so easy to not bog down my sweet Robby's gut.  He is a meat loving, eating, craving kind of farmer guy and there is NO changing that, and I don't want to.  But he plays along with me and eats all of my crazy concoctions, okay maybe not my green juice and smoothies, but everything else and I just give him his meat right along side of it all.  It's a Win-Win situation:) 

Right now I am following along with this e-course put on by the amazing Heather Bruggeman.  This is the course

This is one of the best e-courses i have ever taken.  So much material to print off.  I have a binder filled already with amazing recipes, pantry organization tips, food storage and prep tips, whole food eating, buying and preparing tips.  This could not have come at a better time for me.  A time when my head has felt so clouded and foggy with negative feelings, emotions and thoughts.  I have gone off of my anti-depressant medication and feel better equipped to deal with life's little struggles and curve balls.  I had a doctor's appointment yesterday and he told me he felt I wasn't depressed, just still grieving and that that was okay and perfectly normal.  Cool, sounds good to me, I'll take it.  I may not be following this to the T, as i do like my eggs now and again, but for the most part I am. 

I was asked by a great friend to make some Vegan dishes for her for a lunch she was having last Sunday.  Some friends were coming in from out of town and they are hard core Vegans and have some unusual food allergies too.  I was honored that she asked me to do this for her and met the challenge with gusto.  I came up with 4 Vegan dishes and from what she reported back to me, they were all a huge success.  Cooking is my way of showing my love to people.  I didn't know the people I was cooking so specifically for, but I know the person who asked  me this favor, and so much love was poured into those 4 dishes and I think it showed. 

Fresh herbs from my garden used in the dishes.
Cilantro, spring onions and chives.

A spicy Indian Inspired Fresh Pea Soup.
I loved this soup and will make it for us.
Lots of nice kick to it and so fresh tasting!!!!

Fresh pineapple used in a Pineapple Rice recipe.

Individual Multi Grain Basil Bread rounds.
Used fresh basil from the garden for this vegan bread.
Very dense but oh so yummy and tasty bread.

Surprisingly enough I did not take pictures of everything I made, hmmmm, don't know how I made that mistake.

So yes, my feet are getting firmly planted on the ground.  I may strike a Tree Pose every now and again and then I will only have one foot planted firmly on the ground, but hey, that just means I am even more balanced than I thought, right?  Tomorrow I will explain another change I am making to keep that balance. 

What can you do in your life to maybe make things a little more balanced for you?  They may be real subtle changes or major life altering ones.  Care to share?

Another way i balance myself!!!
Feet are not anywhere close to be firmly planted on the ground,
but I am BALANCED!!!!!

A Lovely Few Days

The past 5 days have been so nice.  Time spent with some of my boys,  cooking for a dear friends luncheon and visiting with a good friend for only a few minutes, but those few minutes were wonderful

Here are a few snapshots of my lovely few days.  Enjoy and have a beautiful new week.  Good night.

Trevor feeding the girls some cheese.  They pick it right out of his mouth.
A trick Reed taught them to do.

Reed first teaching Penny the new trick.

Time for a nap with man's best friend.  Reed and Beauty.

Those pesty little girls and their fearless leader, wouldn't leave my little herb garden
lettuce alone.  Nothing a little make shift fence won't fix though!!

More of the veggies and herbs in my little raised bed.

Indian Spiced Fresh Pea Soup

Where the magic was happening late into the night Saturday.

Individual little loaves of Multi Grain Basil Bread.

Sorry babies, what I am cooking will not make your bellies happy,
Mama will be back real soon with breakfast.

Remember how I complained and vented about my crappy Mother's Day?
Can't stay mad when two of my goofballs make such lovely
handmade cards for me.  Lordy do I love these kooks.

LiFe WiThOuT hEaLtHcArE

So now that I am without a job (temporarily, unfortunately) I am finding time to be the real me!  The crazy woman that feminists love to hate.  The woman who LOVES doing household chores.  You know the ones....cleaning, cooking, gardening, laundry, baking, etc.  Yep, that is who I get to be right now and I couldn't be happier. 
My not having a job, was by my choice (albeit a rather spontaneous choice).  My having to find another paying job, is not by my choice.  But, with my family history of cancer, stroke and heart disease, it is probably unwise for me to not have health care.  And because health care, in my very humble opinion, is way over priced for the average guy/girl, it is kind of important that I get a job where health insurance is partly covered by my employer.  If not partly paid for by my employer, I will at least be making money to pay for my own highly overpriced health insurance.

But let's just pretend for a short little period of time, that I live in the perfect world where I would never get cancer, suffer from heart disease or run the risk of having a stroke.  I don't  need health insurance because any  type of little illness or accident I were to have, could easily be paid for with the money I have in my purse at the time.  If that were the world I lived in, then these snap shots would be representative of how I would spend my day, my every day.  Throw in there a few images of me crocheting, sewing and some random mixed media art and homemade card making and the day would be complete.  I didn't have a chance to do any of that yesterday, so images of those last few activities aren't included.  But, these photos pretty much spell out, my perfect day/life.


Start the morning out with cleaning of the chicken coop and waterer.

Dishes hand washed and ready to be put away. 

Where the laundry will sometimes stay for quite a few days,
the sofa in the sitting room off of our bedroom.

Now the laundry is all nicely folded after it is dried,
and even gets put away:)

 Planned menu for dinner and even followed thru!!!  Bonus!!

 A very happy me mixing up my bread dough.

 After taking some time to loving knead the dough, it is ready for it's first rise.

Into the loaf pans for the second rise.

Pure, simple perfection.
Yes, I ate half of a loaf before it even had a chance to cool down.

Bed even was made which I know would make my mama smile:)

Even got to spend some quality modeling time with  Maxwell and Roberta.
Something about my arbor just brings the model out in both of them.
Some people stop to smell the roses,  I stop to photo the chickies.

And because I deserve a really sweet snack for all of my hard work,
a bowl of fresh, juicy ripe strawberries seems to be the perfect
reward.

Can't wait to see what today brings.  I am thinking some grocery shopping at the Friendly City Food Co-op to purchase some things for a luncheon I am cooking for this Sunday, a trip to Gift and Thrift to see what wonderful things they have there today, planting some more seeds in the veggie garden and decorating the chickie coop with some flowers and a few other things.  And oh yeah, before anything else, I have a birthday cared to make for a very special sister and get it in the mail ASAP!!!  Better get to that right now.
Have a simply made, beautiful day.  And if you don't have any chickies to stop and photo, stop and smell the roses for God's sake, or even the dandelions if you don't have any roses.
Ciao,
Debbie

Mother's Day Pity Party

No nice way to say it.....today sucks!!!!!  For all of you moms who are celebrating your mother's day with your kids, I am so happy for you.  For all of you kids who have a mom to celebrate Mother's Day with, I am so jealous of you.  Me?  Today I don't have either and I am sulking in a BIG way!!!!!

Yesterday, this is how I got to celebrate Mother's Day with my mom.

My dad, one of my brother's and one of my dad's nurses from dialysis and I went to put flowers on my mom's marker.  Happy day, wooo hoooo!!!!!!!  It's a crock of poo that this is how I have to celebrate Mother's Day with my mom now.  It sucks!!!!!!  Even if my flowers from my garden made her marker look pretty, it still sucks.

Last year I bought her a really pretty hand painted glass candle holder for Mother's Day and went to Richmond to see her.  I took her flowers that day too and left her gift here in Edinburg by mistake, duh!!!!  When she went to dialysis that following Monday with my dad, the patients there asked her what all of her children had given her for Mother's Day and she said i gave her some cut flowers.  They all asked her if that was all I had really given her and she said yes.  Boy did i feel like a rotten daughter.  I had told her I had a gift for her that I had actually bought back at the beginning of April  but had forgotten to bring it with me, but I think she didn't really believe me.  I took it to her the next time I went home to visit she and my dad, and that is when she told me about what the patients had said to her at dialysis.  I told her to make sure she told them I had brought her belated gift to her so they wouldn't think I was such an awful daughter.  What I would do to have her here this year to do something dumb like that again.  I like to think she and her mom, my grandmother, are having a great day spending Mother's Day together for the first time in a long time.  And I do hope she saw the flowers I brought for her this year too.

My kids are with their dad and their brand new step-mom.  Their dad got remarried yesterday so I guess they are celebrating Step-Mom's day with the new step mom.  Do I sound bitter?  Yes, of course I do.  Planning a wedding on Mother's Day weekend so your kids can't see their mom for mother's day is mean.  Okay, I will give him the fact that when he set the date, he didn't know my mom wouldn't be alive on this Mother's Day and that it may be an extra tough day for me, but still.  He could have given them the car keys and told them to drive here for the day and surprise me, couldn't he have?  I'm sorry, I am being childish and selfish, but it's my blog and this is why I have it...so I can write what is really bothering me.  If I say all of this out loud, I just start crying hysterically and feel even more crappy afterwards.  This way I can pound on the keyboard as i type all of this out and it gives me a little bit of satisfaction. 

My Mother's Day post was going to be a really sweet post about how wonderful my mom is, was.  I was going to go down memory lane and tell about the funniest, happiest moments I remember with my mom.  I was going to talk about how she had the patience of a saint with me because I was really a difficult daughter for her at times.  I never let a year go by that i did not disappoint her in some way or another but yet, she was always there for me.  It's no wonder her hair turned gray so fast after she had me.  If I didn't agree with something she said, I never kept my mouth shut about it like my brother's did when they were younger. NO, I had to just get right up in her face and tell her I was right and she was wrong.  (know what?  she was actually always right, but at the time I couldn't see the forest for the trees)  This post was going to be a tribute to my mom, but in all of my selfish misery today, I can't seem to sit down and write gushy sweet stuff.  I feel it in my heart, and I have written the gushy, sweet stuff in other posts.  But today, just bitter, foul nastiness is all that I feel.

So there you have it, my Mother's Day Pity Party.  I am now going to conclude my party and try to make something positive come from the rest of my day.  I am going outside to play with my chickens, find where Ebony disappears too everyday, hope she has a nest filled with eggs she is almost ready to sit on, and later on cook a yummy steak on the grill with my loving and very patient Robby.  I really do wish all of you moms a super Mother's Day and please forgive my ranting and raging.

Debbie



My Life In Pictures

So much that I am loving right now.  The best way to share it, is to show it the way that I see it.  So tonight I am sharing what I see in the lens when I look at my life through my camera.  It always looks so perfect when it is viewed through a little hole in the camera.  You get to focus on the perfect and leave the imperfect out of the picture.

Life As Deb Knows It this month of May.......

And that's just the first week.  Can't wait to see what the rest of the month has for me:)
Happy May everyone.  Focus on the little things, and you too will find beauty in your everyday life.
I promise:)
XX