Getting Back to What I Love

Oh these months of September, October, November, December and January........funny how two major life events can put a real wrench in how you feel about 5 months in a year.  That's almost half of a year that I allow myself to be super sad and un-motivated to get out and live life.  What a waste of a perfectly great and full-of-possibilities life, wouldn't you say?

My mom and dad would be sooooooooo disappointed in me.  So, with the 4 year anniversary of my mom's death arriving tomorrow, Halloween, I have decided to not post tomorrow with my typical style of post.  Instead, I shall post today and share my art journaling and sketchbook entries of the past week.  I have always had a tendency to only go to my art in times of sadness and desperation.  A way of helping me to work through horrible, difficult times when I can not find any other healthy way of coping with the feelings and thoughts racing through my overly busy mind.  The end result being art that I love but that is not necessarily so happy to go back and look at later on.  So with that being said and made aware to me, I am turning to my art to represent my feelings everyday, not just the bad days and or months.  It may not be nearly as interesting, but it will at least better represent my life which is actually full of many, many happy and super joyful days!!!  Especially now that I have my youngest living with me full time and have his wacky spirit filling my home with even more laughter and joy, not to mention beautiful music when he is playing on his drums.

My art will still help me through the tougher days, but maybe they won't seem so tough if I have been expressing myself everyday through my art.  Grief is a crazy emotion that really just seems to get a tight grip on me when I indulge in it.  At one moment I may think I have a grasp on it and then some stupid episode on a tv show will send me right over the edge or a song or some unfortunate event in the life of someone I barely know.  I have a dear friend who just lost her sister-in-law to cancer.  This beautiful soul leaves behind 3 precious, really young children and a loving husband along with many other family members and friends.  Those 3 young children have lost their MOM at a horribly young age.  I was so blessed to have my mom in my life for 46 years and I can barely stand to think of her not being here anymore.  But then I think about those 3 children and wonder how I can be so selfish to be allowing myself to feel so sorry for myself when I was given the gift of 46 years with my mom and 49 years with my dad.  It really puts a new perspective on how I see my situation.  

Okay, so anyway, back to my happy thoughts.  Here are some photos of my newest journal/sketchbook entries. There is no consistency to what they look like.  My style changes based on what artist I am studying and what classes I am taking on-line.  The only time "my" style shows up is when I don't look at any videos and just sit down and try to create an entry on my own.  I really struggle with this which is why I am always taking classes and watching what other's techniques are.  My hope is that if I make daily entries a priority then my own style will emerge and find itself.  In the mean time, I am having great fun and that is a priority for me right now :)  

Stabilo Pencil and water

My alter ego......Poulet Chateau and her best chick, Beatrice Feathers.

(above and below)

A moment in a day of the life of Poulet.

Still needs to have some color added to it, or, maybe not.

Some wonderful snail-mail that inspired my first entry in a new journal..... a gratitude page.

A wooden board rescued from my dad's workshop last year gets a few flowers and a stamped bird.

A very inexpensive mixed media journal gets a special cover to make it prettier. Vintage bark cloth and recycled ribbon from a gift make for a perfect altered journal cover.

A class taught by Pam Garrison on Creativebug led to this entry.  Using a pen to make blind marks on a page, then going back and adding color into those shapes (above).  Then going back in with the pen and adding in what you see (below).  It took me some time to really just slow down and stare, but then I started to see the images.  Super cool exercise and every time you get a different result.  Loved this and did multiple pages of this technique.

Not particularly so great to look at, but I had fun with it.......laying down the background colors with acrylic paints and then just doodling some of my favorite things......birds and flowers and a few words that pop into my head.  No real rhyme or reason to this.

Taking cues from Mary Ann Moss and Pam Garrison I tried my hand at just sketching what is right in front of me or just my surroundings.  This was fun but I have no sense of proportion or really making things look 3 dimensional.  But hey, practice makes perfect right?  And I do like how things look when I do this and I have never been much of a "realist" at drawing for certain.

This one will get some color added to it some time today.  

This is a pretty typical style for me when I am doing more journaling than actual "art journaling".  Okay but kind of blah.  Hoping to add some depth and direction over time as I make this more of a daily habit.  

These next two paintings and pen drawings are from another exercise of Pam's.  Putting down random colors and stroked of watercolor and then going back in with pen and drawing what you "see".  The first one was pretty easy for me.  I instantly saw ocean creatures and coral.  Not many, but some.  Then the other one was a huge struggle.  Birds, "flowers" and a tiny childlike house.  I drew what I saw but I am not so happy with either one.  What I learned though is the more varied my brush strokes are, the better chance I will have of finding something in my painting without the use of magic mushrooms. (no mushrooms were harmed in this exercise I promise but from what i have heard, they would have probably helped me "see" things) 

So that's that.  Keep on smiling and enjoy your life. 

Remember.......

Life is for the Living!!!!!!!

Remembering and Reflecting

My Mom hated having her picture taken and she probably hates my whimsical rendition of her even more.  But if she can see this painting, I hope she sees what I was trying to capture were the things that made her my beautiful mom.....her beautiful blue eyes, her gorgeous white hair and the gentle smile and look she could have when she was letting her guard down and just letting herself feel loved.  The pearls around her neck represent the beautiful gift my dad gave her when they married.  Pearls that I have the honor of owning now but find myself to scared to wear for fear of losing them.

Three years ago today I lost my mom.  A quick, swift blow to my world and the rest of my life.  She was snatched from us in a blink of an eye, clearly a decision God made and was certain of, for there was no doubt she would not return to us in any form.  Regardless of how much my heart hurts because of that swift swipe of her life, I am so thankful for her that it happened that way.  It's how she would have wanted it.

The past three years have not been easy and try as I may, moving forward seems to happen at a snails pace.  My dad was my inspiration to move forward everyday because somehow, he, the person who loved her more than anyone, found the strength to get up everyday, accomplish what needed to be done in the day, care for himself, be productive and carry on.  If he could do it, then surely I could do it.  One month and 26 days ago, Daddy left me and went to be with Mom, ironically at just about the exact same time of day as she left us.  Actually, it's really not so ironic at all, they were one.    I guess he just didn't feel like getting up and doing it "all' everyday anymore and I can't say I blame him. You did an awesome job daddy, and I am so proud of you!!!!  I know you were tired.

Some people deal with death really well,  I am not one of those people,  Many people find comfort knowing their loved ones are in a better place.  I may believe that they are in a better place for themselves, but my selfish heart believes that the better place for them is here with me.  But I am tired of being sad.  I am tired of yearning for someone, or now for two someones, to come back to me or answer the phone when I call.  I don't want to be sad anymore.  I want to create art that is happy art, not art that is helping me work through DEATH.  It's enough already and surely people are tired of me still grieving.  But the thing is, just about when I thought I was going to be able to move on with mom's passing, daddy had to go and die.  Damnit!!!!!!  And as if losing your first parent isn't bad enough, losing the second one is worse.  It's final.  I have no more parents.  I am an orphan.

The best I can hope for is to find a way to keep moving forward.  My art is how I best express myself these days.  As pitiful looking as it may be, I keep putting myself in classes with super inspiring artists, real artists.  My work compared to their's is juvenile and messy.  But, it is mine and it is helping me express what I need to express.  My hope is to start focusing my art on something new and different.  Something inspiring and refreshing for me.  I have some tough days ahead with clearing out and closing up my childhood home and letting go of my attachment to it.  But I will keep my daddy's strength and determination in the front of my mind and will move forward and hope to make mom and dad proud.

Mom, I love you and miss you so much, but I know how overjoyed you are that daddy is there with you now.  I promise I will try and find comfort in that.  Halloween will never be the same ever again for me.  But hey, I just thought of something........you lost your mom on Halloween and yet every year you still insisted on going and getting candy to hand out at the house, knowing very well you would probably only have a handful of trick-or-treaters.  You wanted to be sure you had candy for whoever may come to the door.  I guess I should let you be my role  model and learn to celebrate this Holiday again.  I hope for you, there are trick-or-treaters in Heaven and you get more than a handful come to your door.  I love you and if you want to ring my doorbell tonight just to let me know you are happy, I promise to answer and have a frozen Snickers bar ready to hand you.                      

Happy Halloween Mom!!

Three Weeks Later

It's been three weeks since we said our final good byes.  The days go so slow and finding purpose in my days is a challenge.  I still go to cal you, morning and night, checking the clocks to see if it is time or if I am late.  Sometimes I still call, just to hear your voice on the message saying you can't get to the phone.
Last night I had such a vivid dream, though I know not of it's meaning.  It was Easter, a Holiday of celebrating re-birth.  I was home in my childhood neighborhood.  The church that was once across the street on the hill, that is now a Masonic Lodge, was a church again.  Crowds of people were gathering for Easter services and activities.  Family  members hiding Easter Eggs for a hunt that would happen later.   So many people gathering to celebrate a Holy Day.  I drove around the block, over and over again, past our house, but no one was ever home.  No car in the driveway, no main front door open and you standing at the storm door awaiting our arrival, no sign of life at all.  What struck me though was how bright WHITE everything was.  Everyone was wearing white and there was such a brightness and clarity to everything.  It frightened me, it was all so familiar but yet all so strange.  I just continued driving around the block, waiting for something to change, for some sign of life at my childhood home.  I watched everyone else and marveled at how happy and at peace they all were and wished I could stop, get out of my car and join them.  But I couldn't, I didn't belong.
I finally woke from that dream and remembered it so vividly.  All day I thought of  it and thought I had best write it down in hopes it would then leave my conscious and subconscious being.  It's clarity has haunted me all day and made me uncomfortable.
Three weeks have passed since I said my last good byes to you.  Three weeks of trying to understand that I will never see you on this earth again, that you will never be coming home to your things, will never complain to me again about all the solicitors that call you and all the junk you get in the mail.  Three weeks of not having been able to say good-bye the way I would want to say good-bye when I know it is the last time I will ever be able to say it again.  I wish you had come to me in that dream, i wish you had been standing in the doorway or driven up in your car.  I wish you never left and I wish I never had to say good-bye.

PS......please tell mom I love her and miss her oh so very much.

We Are Family

 

 

 

Yep, that is my family.  Not all of it, but a good bit of it.  In that photo is missing my oldest son, who lives in California, my oldest brother, who was in Texas for the Holiday, his daughter Meredith, who was spending time with her other PaPaw who is in the hospital, my niece Jessica and her husband Joe and their baby Olivia, they were in Massachusetts with Joe's family, and my nephew Dane and his wife Callie. He is in Texas in the Air Force and she is visiting him there before he is sent off to his next post.

 

We all gathered together at my brother Dan's house in Williamsburg for Thanksgiving.  It was such an amazing day.  Our family really is so wonderful.  I use to think that is was my mom who brought us all together, and it probably was.  But what makes me so happy, is that with my mom gone now, we make the effort to get together and spend the Holidays together.  Even though we aren't always able to be physically together, we are all there in spirit, and I feel that.  Life is hard.  We all have our own families, responsibilities, schedules, etc. but we still make time.  We still find a way.  It isn't easy, it isn't spontaneous, but we make it happen. 

 

It is true, I cried like a baby when we had to leave Thanksgiving night so that we could get my dad back home so he could be ready for his dialysis treatment in the morning and the rest of my family, kids included, stayed behind and continued to celebrate together.  But, there were tears of joy mixed in with those tears of sadness.  Joy that my kids felt comfortable staying behind to spend the night with their aunt and uncle so that they could visit with them longer.  Joy that they were welcomed into my brother's home as if it were their own and could stay as long as they pleased.  Joy that no matter how much time passes between our visits with each other, we pick right up as if it was just a matter of hours that we were all together last. 

 

My family means the world to me.  I am the only girl and the youngest of four children.  I was and am still spoiled rotten.  NOT spoiled ever with material things, but spoiled with unconditional, un-wavering love from my family.  From my earliest memories, I have ALWAYS known that I was loved dearly by my mom, dad and all 3 of my older brothers.  I never, ever doubted for a minute or even a second that I was loved.  And I hope with all my heart that no one in my family has ever doubted my love for them.  Our family is not perfect.  We have our share of ups and downs and misunderstandings like all families do.  But love always prevails. 

 

I have been in some dark places recently in my mind.  This happens to me from time to time.  Bouts of depression are something that I battle constantly.  But this Holiday season, even with my depressive times, I am starting to see how lucky I really am.  I am fighting it and choosing to see the happy moments and the beauty in life.  It is easy for me to dwell in the sadness and darkness.  It is easy for me to be sad that my mom is not here to be with us.  But what I have realized is that doesn't change anything.  It won't bring my mom back and it won't make the memories I could be making, happy ones.  I know my mom would not want me sacrificing happiness in order to keep her memory alive.  That isn't necessary.  Her memory will be kept alive even if I am happy and am enjoying the life that I still have to live.  My mom loved the Holidays and would want all of us to enjoy them and

celebrate them as she raised us to do. 

 

The past two days, I have been doing a lot of thinking and soul searching.  Through my art, practicing yoga and just sitting and being, I have come to an inner peace and happiness I have not known in a while.  I am in charge of my happiness.  I am in charge of my misery.  It is my choice to be one or the other.  I choose happiness. 

 

I leave you with a few photos that I took of some of the things that make me happy.  Sites I see everyday that make me smile.  Simple, un-pretentious sites that make me happy.  May they make you smile too.  Happy Holidays to you all.

XXOO

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 



The Day Before

 

Tomorrow is the day.
October 31.
A day that no longer means Halloween to me, but marks the anniversary of a day that I will never forget.
A day that I remember every little detail of and play over and over again in my head.
I don't think that is normal, and after two years, I would think I would have learned to not do it still.
But......I haven't.

Tonight I will think about that last phone conversation.
Why I didn't notice something different other than a touch of tiredness in her voice.
Why our strong connection to each other, being the only females in the family, didn't alert me to something that was terribly wrong, brewing.

She comes to me often now, in my dreams.
I can see her completely..
I only use to be able to see her body and never her face.
In my dreams, I know she is gone, but has come back to tell me something.
I wish in my dreams, I could tell her all the things I need to say.
But I only listen to her.

Yesterday morning on my way to work, I was listening to Carbon Leaf.  One of my favorite songs, Block Of Wood, was playing.  I listened, really listened, to the lyrics and played it over and over again.  The sun was coming up over the mountain to the right of me, and there she was.  The sun always rises in the same place each morning on my way to work.  But somedays, not nearly as often as I would like, it is different.  It hits the right side of my face, through the car windows, and warms my skin.  It is in that moment that I know, it is her. 

Things are a little mixed up for me right now and I am working through some things.  Even though she can't do a thing about them, it's nice to know she is still there, trying to hold me up, as I muddle through it all. 

I love you mom and miss you more than I think you could have ever imagined I would.

 

 

Block Of Wood

 

Grab your heart we need to leave
There's no time to cry or grieve
For the fallen family tree

Rise above the flooding plain
Crouching low to duck the flame
Generations against the grain
Up in smoke and down the drain

If the fire, if the flood
Burns the tree and thins the blood
If your tears don't want to dry
I can help you cry
Through the night
Through the night and day
I can't your pain away
But I can help you cry

We'll cut the branch from this tree
Carve a place for you and me
A wooden seat that we can string
From a branch where we can swing

We'll take this block of wood
Carve it down and sand it good
When finished it will be
A souvenir of the family tree

And if the fire, if the flood
Burns the tree and thins the blood
If your tears don't wanna dry

I can help you cry
Through the night
Through the night and day
I can't take your pain away
But I can help you cry
Through the night
Through the night and day
I can't take your pain away
I can try but

God help me please
Come save the family tree
My friends I broke them all
When falling off the wall

In the ash I found an ember
Something warm to help remember
A block of wood that used to be
A strong tall family tree

A strong tall family tree
Blowing in the breeze

Cry through the night
Through the night and day
I can't take your pain away
But I can help you cry
Through the night
Through the night and day
I can't take your pain away
But I can help you cry

 

 

 

Lyrics taken from http://www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics/c/carbon_leaf/block_of_wood.html

 

 

 

 

Just As She Would Have Done........

and I walked outside of the house
and turned around to look.
the boxwoods had been pruned,
just as she would have done.

the flowerbeds weeded,
the flowers all deadheaded.
everything manicured perfectly,
just as she would have done.

i left and came back.
when i walked into the house
presents were wrapped and they were
EVERYWHERE!!!!
just as she would have done

i made my way through the gifts
and then i saw her, standing in the kitchen.
she flashed me that smile and those blue eyes twinkled
and she said,
Merry Christmas!!!!!!

she was back.
she was back to make Christmas the way I remember.
i could see her face and her body,
dressed in a plaid shirt and a tan wrap skirt.
daddy was so happy.

we sat down at the table,
meredith, stephen, daddy, mom and I
we said what we were thankful for.
i was scared to talk for fear she would disappear

she said she had bought dad the box he had wanted,
it was in two pieces and each was $5,000.
i told her if it was a box that cost that much,
it must be a box strong enough that i could put her in,
so she could never leave me again.

and it was the best Christmas ever, and I was happy.
but alas, it was just a dream.
but i saw her and she smiled and she laughed\
but most of all, I saw her.

the blouse and skirt mom was wearing in my dream