My Mom hated having her picture taken and she probably hates my whimsical rendition of her even more. But if she can see this painting, I hope she sees what I was trying to capture were the things that made her my beautiful mom.....her beautiful blue eyes, her gorgeous white hair and the gentle smile and look she could have when she was letting her guard down and just letting herself feel loved. The pearls around her neck represent the beautiful gift my dad gave her when they married. Pearls that I have the honor of owning now but find myself to scared to wear for fear of losing them.
Three years ago today I lost my mom. A quick, swift blow to my world and the rest of my life. She was snatched from us in a blink of an eye, clearly a decision God made and was certain of, for there was no doubt she would not return to us in any form. Regardless of how much my heart hurts because of that swift swipe of her life, I am so thankful for her that it happened that way. It's how she would have wanted it.
The past three years have not been easy and try as I may, moving forward seems to happen at a snails pace. My dad was my inspiration to move forward everyday because somehow, he, the person who loved her more than anyone, found the strength to get up everyday, accomplish what needed to be done in the day, care for himself, be productive and carry on. If he could do it, then surely I could do it. One month and 26 days ago, Daddy left me and went to be with Mom, ironically at just about the exact same time of day as she left us. Actually, it's really not so ironic at all, they were one. I guess he just didn't feel like getting up and doing it "all' everyday anymore and I can't say I blame him. You did an awesome job daddy, and I am so proud of you!!!! I know you were tired.
Some people deal with death really well, I am not one of those people, Many people find comfort knowing their loved ones are in a better place. I may believe that they are in a better place for themselves, but my selfish heart believes that the better place for them is here with me. But I am tired of being sad. I am tired of yearning for someone, or now for two someones, to come back to me or answer the phone when I call. I don't want to be sad anymore. I want to create art that is happy art, not art that is helping me work through DEATH. It's enough already and surely people are tired of me still grieving. But the thing is, just about when I thought I was going to be able to move on with mom's passing, daddy had to go and die. Damnit!!!!!! And as if losing your first parent isn't bad enough, losing the second one is worse. It's final. I have no more parents. I am an orphan.
The best I can hope for is to find a way to keep moving forward. My art is how I best express myself these days. As pitiful looking as it may be, I keep putting myself in classes with super inspiring artists, real artists. My work compared to their's is juvenile and messy. But, it is mine and it is helping me express what I need to express. My hope is to start focusing my art on something new and different. Something inspiring and refreshing for me. I have some tough days ahead with clearing out and closing up my childhood home and letting go of my attachment to it. But I will keep my daddy's strength and determination in the front of my mind and will move forward and hope to make mom and dad proud.
Mom, I love you and miss you so much, but I know how overjoyed you are that daddy is there with you now. I promise I will try and find comfort in that. Halloween will never be the same ever again for me. But hey, I just thought of something........you lost your mom on Halloween and yet every year you still insisted on going and getting candy to hand out at the house, knowing very well you would probably only have a handful of trick-or-treaters. You wanted to be sure you had candy for whoever may come to the door. I guess I should let you be my role model and learn to celebrate this Holiday again. I hope for you, there are trick-or-treaters in Heaven and you get more than a handful come to your door. I love you and if you want to ring my doorbell tonight just to let me know you are happy, I promise to answer and have a frozen Snickers bar ready to hand you.
Happy Halloween Mom!!
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