Faith is not something I have always had. I mean, I guess I have had it, but I never really felt it. So, I guess that means I didn't really have it. It's funny how when you lose someone you are so very, very close to, like the two people who created you and brought you into this world, you start to feel like you have to have faith, you have to believe. You have to believe that there is something greater that their souls go to when they leave this world. That their bodies don't just rot in the ground or in a coffin and that is the end. I can't believe that, I won't believe that. What is the point to our lives if that is all there is in the end?
There have been few times when I have really felt like I needed to have something bigger to hold on to. When I had to believe or I could simply not carry on. I begged for there to be more and for a second chance once when I was looking death in the face and I have begged for there to be more when my mom died. Now that my dad has died also, I have decided that simply begging isn't enough. I have to believe. I have to commit. I have to not doubt that which I cannot see. How can I expect there to be more when I won't commit to believing that there is? And more importantly, what do I have to lose? If there isn't more, then i will never know the difference. But if there is more, oh my goodness, why would I want to miss out on that simply because I wouldn't believe?
It will be a process, it will be a time of learning and questioning. It will be a journey but one I am willing to take. I am so blessed to have people in my life willing to teach me, to walk beside me and help me. There is something bigger. I have to believe it, I have to live it, I have to let it into my heart. If I ever want to stop not allowing myself to see the joy in the Holidays and the birthdays that come along, the Mother's Days and the Father's Days that I no longer can celebrate, the anniversaries, the start of the new Seasons, then I have to believe that there is something MORE!!! That God IS. That my mom and dad are exactly where they BELIEVED they would be when their spirits left this world. That they are together again, maybe not as husband and wife, but as something even more amazing and wonderful. That I will see them again. So this Advent Season, I am beginning my journey. I may stumble along the way, I may have my doubts, but I will stick with it and I will find my way. It may not be by this January, when dad and mom would have both celebrated their birthdays, it may not be by April, when they would have celebrated another year of marriage, but it will happen.
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