Saying No So I Can Say Yes

If you were to see the inside of my head, it would look like the picture above.  Words floating around everywhere.  Questions, ideas, thoughts, worries, concerns, wishes, dreams.  Many, many words all circling around inside my little head, waiting to be acknowledged.  No, I'm not saying I hear voices in my head, just my own random and never ending thoughts.

I said last week that "tomorrow" I would discuss the second thing I am doing to try and find more balance in my  life.  Well, my tomorrow didn't really happen the next day, but it is happening today.  So here goes...

Most of my life I have had a hard time telling people how I really feel about something for fear of not telling them what they want to hear.  I don't know where I got this from, because to be honest, the most influential people in my life growing up were people who had no problem speaking what was on their mind regardless of the people that they hurt in the process.  I use to view this as a fault with people.  I thought it to be unkind to not consider how your words would make another feel.  But what I also found was that it was making my life very difficult not to be telling people how I really felt about something.  I realize now that I don't have to be rude, just maybe more direct.  As I am getting older, the reality of the fact that I don't have forever anymore, to do what I really want to do, is making me want to seize the moment even more.  I am not that old, 47, but I am old enough to know that in time, my body and later my mind, will slowly start to give out a little bit and make the life that I long to live more difficult to have.

When I quit my job several weeks back, I did so in a manner that was so very much not like me and in a way that I am not necessarily proud of.  I basically had reached a point of no return, and in a very passionate moment for myself, simply said "No."  No, I could not work another moment at my job.  For many personal reasons, which really have nothing to do with my job, I had reached that point, and then when a work related incident set me off, I just knew right then what the right thing for me to say at the time was, no.  After a few days of feeling in total shock at what I had done, and worrying about how I would find another job and what I would do, a peace of mind settled over me and a quiet comfort I had not known ever before, embraced me.  Suddenly I knew that I didn't know how my life was now going to play out, but that I was going to be okay.  Robby and I were going to be just fine and if I let it happen, my life would play out before me, just the way it was suppose to.  Robby told me that he wanted me to wait for a job to come along that I would be happy with and not just take something because it was a job.  He wanted me to be happy again with what I was doing, whatever that would be.  I told him I didn't know if I wanted to go back into patient care.  As much as I have always loved nursing, I am just not sure if it is what I want to continue to do.  Since my mom's passing, I find myself even more emotional around elderly patients and find it more difficult to work with them.  NOT that I don't care about their situations, I care too much and let it become to personal.  It is making my healing process an even more difficult and more drawn out process and I don't think that is too helpful for me.  So...... I don't know where I am going to end up working or what type of work I will be doing.  In the mean time, I have been doing a little planting for a friend of mine at her business.  She owns a wonderful ice cream stand ,Udder Temptations,  and I have loved being outdoors, digging in the dirt, being alone with my thoughts, and singing to myself while listening to some of my favorite music on my IPod.  I come home covered in dirt, fingernails a mess, sunburn on my shoulders and cheeks and a smile on my face. 

So...now that I realize I have rambled on and on and really said absolutely nothing, I guess I should explain real simply how me saying no is bringing me balance.  Basically it's really simple.  I am no longer going to do things that don't bring me closer to my and Robby's ultimate goal.  And at the risk of this sounding really selfish, I am done living and doing for others so that their opinion of me is not tarnished.  I CANNOT and WILL NOT any longer, live the way I think others want me or need me to live.  I do not ask that of others and I will no longer ask it of myself.  My first and only concern is the quality of life I provide for my children, my husband and myself.  I need to be happy both mentally and physically in order to be the best possible ME I can be, for the people that matter the most in my life.  I may have to make some sacrifices in areas of my life, not buy random things just because I think they are going to make me happy, not take un-needed trips in the car and use up gas that cost an arm and a leg these days, etc.,  but it will  all be worth it.  My goal is a simpler life and that means simpler living.  My hair is going to be gray, my skin is going to wrinkle and my hands and nails will never look to good again.  But my mind and spirit will shine and glow with an inner beauty I have never had before. 

Yes, when my mom died, my life turned upside down.  I have stepped back and taken a look at things in a whole new light.  My faith in God has been renewed because I can feel my mom telling me the direction to go in and that what I am doing is okay.  And in the end, my life will be in balance because I am saying NO so that I can say Yes.

I am ending with a few pictures of some of the things that are bringing me balance and making me feel really happy these days.  Hope they bring a smile to your face too.  Tomorrow, or some day soon, I will write about the 3rd thing that is helping me find balance.