This is me writing for me. What I would normally write in a journal that was for my eyes only, not for other people to read and where I have a little voice in the back of my head telling me to be mindful of what I write.
Yesterday was my 48th birthday and what a grand day it was. Three of my amazing sons were here from Friday afternoon until late yesterday evening. My son Reed brought his girlfriend who just happens to be a girl that worked in the same doctor's office as I did a few years ago. She is wonderful and it made that whole awkward, getting to know someone stage, non-existent because we have been friends for years. Having my kids around me, laughing, joking, talking, sleeping, eating, just being my kids, is just the greatest of joys to me. We just have such a great time together and a bond that can never, ever be broken. We are a goofy bunch and I am certain very different from many other families. When they leave, it leaves such a hole in my heart. The house is so quiet today and it is rainy and cloudy outside, so it just makes that hole seem even more gaping than usual. I miss them.
We also had baby chick eggs hatching since Friday. That has been stressful but is finally over. Out of 21 eggs, only 12 of them hatched and survived. This was a much more difficult incubating and hatching experience from what I remember from last year and our survival rate was not as good. I am hoping all 12 will do well and continue to grow and live. I am nervous to get to attached to them in case something should happen over the next few days. One chick who had been born with what I thought was something called spraddle leg, died this morning. I was afraid this would happen as she was not able to walk like the others. I had band her legs to try and help her, but in the end, she wasn't strong enough and lost her short little battle.
Dad is also very sick right now which is making me so sad. I don't know what to do for him to make him better, and what is being done for him, to make him better, makes him so sick feeling in the process. His voice is so weak sounding on the phone and I know his body is weak too. My birthday just wasn't the same without him feeling good. He didn't even remember until the day before that it was my birthday. He has just been feeling so bad and out of it. He didn't even remember to tell me Happy Birthday when I talked to him yesterday morning but did remember when I talked to him last night. He was so apologetic for forgetting and felt so bad. I am not upset that he forgot my birthday but upset that he is so sick that this is happening. I feel like I am losing him and it just makes me so sad. I just really, really need for him to get better and be back to his normal self. I just really, really need for my mom to be alive still to take care of him so he is not alone. He is just sitting in his house, sick, all by himself with know way of making himself better. When he goes to dialysis on Monday, Wednesday and Friday, they do what they can to help make him better, but it's just not fast enough. I keep praying for him and I will not stop. Yesterday as I thought about the fact that I was turning 48, I felt so conflicted about my reactions to daddy's being sick. I am 48, just 2 years from 50. My dad is 83 but yet I feel like a little girl whose daddy is sick. When I think about my daddy, I don't view myself as a grown up who knows these things come with older age and that this process is inevitable. I just think and feel like a little girl who doesn't want to see her daddy sick and doesn't know how to deal with it as a grown up. I don't know how to accept it and realize it is the way things are.
I need the sun to come back out to play, to light up the green freshness in the woods, to make the flowers lift their heads and rejoice in the brightness of the day, to make my seeds want to sprout and grow to the sky. I need another day of hope and possibilities. I need to feel it is all going to be okay and for yesterday's pure happiness to return, right now.
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