Life Is Busy

Wow!!!  Today is the last day of the first month of 2015.  This month has flown by.  This year, 2015, is a year I have been waiting for since 2004 when my life changed drastically.  I have not been looking forward to this year, but I knew it would arrive no matter what.  This year is a year I wish to drag by, pass ever so slowly and if Summer never came, it would be fine by me.  But at the same time, this is a year that I hope to prove to myself just how much I have grown and changed in my mind set and in my inner strength.  Few people in my life know of the event that changed my life in 2004 and why this year is such a big year to me.  In time, as the Summer gets closer, I will probably write of the event in more detail, as that will be my coping mechanism.

This new year has had me making multiple trips to Richmond to help one of my brothers organize my childhood home and prepare it to be placed on the market in about 2 weeks.  This has been both emotionally draining and spiritually healing all at the same time.  Spending time in my parent's home without them being there anymore, conjures up many, many feelings.  At first it was not so difficult and sorting through things that could be tossed, donated, kept or sold was easy.  But as things become more personal and the home I know and have loved all of my life, is being stripped of everything that is familiar, I start to find it more difficult to let go.  Moving ahead is what we need, must, do.  We have no choice.  None of my brothers nor I wish to buy the house and live in it, so we must sell it.  While my head understands this and it makes perfect sense, my heart is breaking a little each time one more thing is donated or deemed "junk".  With each bag and box placed either in the trash or in our car, we are one step closer to letting go our our childhood home.  The odds and ends that I decided I had to keep, have found places of honor in my home and when I walk past them, I find myself whispering "hi mom and dad" or "I love you" or "I miss you both so much."  It is nice seeing these little reminders throughout my home and seeing that I was able to find a way to fit them into my eclectic idea of decor.  I pray that whomever moves into my parents house, finds it to be the HOME that we all loved for all of our youth and for most of my parents adult lives.  I would love to see a young family move in and find a way to make the house their home.  I don't really want to see an elderly couple move in because that just means in the near future, it would be up for sale again.  I have always hated driving past old houses I have lived in and loved as an adult, and seen how the new owners don't take are of it the same way, or ripped out all of my flowers or gardens I planted.  I am pretty certain it will hurt 100 times worse to see someone not take pride in my childhood home and let the gardens go and not keep up the yard as my parents did.  My mom ALWAYS said, "This house may not be much to anyone else, but to me, it is my Castle."  And she meant it, she LOVED that home so much and took so much pride in everything she did there.  Please God, let someone else just like that, find that home and make it their Castle too.

In the time I am not in Richmond, Robby and I have undertaken the job of painting the entire inside of our house.  Moving things in from my mom and dad's had made me want to freshen things up around here this winter.  It is the perfect project for this time of year since we can be outside.  But, as much as I love painting our house inside, I am ready to be done.  I would much rather be in my studio painting something creative on a canvas or a wooden board.  I have started seeds already for the vegetable garden this year and am trying to stay on top of that.  I have so many different varieties of plants I want to try and the only way i know to do that, is grow them myself.

And one last thing, like so many other people who have a "word" for each year, I have one for this year.  It shall be the word "Free".  I want to be Free of paralyzing fear this year and for now on in my life, Free of guilt from past mistakes I have made, Free of grief and sadness that I don't have control over.  Free to experience all the beauty that life has to offer, Free to express myself through my art, whether that be cooking, painting or gardening, Free to be the very best mother, wife, sister and friend that I can be.  Yes, 2015 is a year I have dreaded for the past 11 years, but I am determined to make it be a year that will leave a positive imprint on me and not a negative one.

Life is busy, but it is full of love, love for me and love for me to give to others.