The Day Before

 

Tomorrow is the day.
October 31.
A day that no longer means Halloween to me, but marks the anniversary of a day that I will never forget.
A day that I remember every little detail of and play over and over again in my head.
I don't think that is normal, and after two years, I would think I would have learned to not do it still.
But......I haven't.

Tonight I will think about that last phone conversation.
Why I didn't notice something different other than a touch of tiredness in her voice.
Why our strong connection to each other, being the only females in the family, didn't alert me to something that was terribly wrong, brewing.

She comes to me often now, in my dreams.
I can see her completely..
I only use to be able to see her body and never her face.
In my dreams, I know she is gone, but has come back to tell me something.
I wish in my dreams, I could tell her all the things I need to say.
But I only listen to her.

Yesterday morning on my way to work, I was listening to Carbon Leaf.  One of my favorite songs, Block Of Wood, was playing.  I listened, really listened, to the lyrics and played it over and over again.  The sun was coming up over the mountain to the right of me, and there she was.  The sun always rises in the same place each morning on my way to work.  But somedays, not nearly as often as I would like, it is different.  It hits the right side of my face, through the car windows, and warms my skin.  It is in that moment that I know, it is her. 

Things are a little mixed up for me right now and I am working through some things.  Even though she can't do a thing about them, it's nice to know she is still there, trying to hold me up, as I muddle through it all. 

I love you mom and miss you more than I think you could have ever imagined I would.

 

 

Block Of Wood

 

Grab your heart we need to leave
There's no time to cry or grieve
For the fallen family tree

Rise above the flooding plain
Crouching low to duck the flame
Generations against the grain
Up in smoke and down the drain

If the fire, if the flood
Burns the tree and thins the blood
If your tears don't want to dry
I can help you cry
Through the night
Through the night and day
I can't your pain away
But I can help you cry

We'll cut the branch from this tree
Carve a place for you and me
A wooden seat that we can string
From a branch where we can swing

We'll take this block of wood
Carve it down and sand it good
When finished it will be
A souvenir of the family tree

And if the fire, if the flood
Burns the tree and thins the blood
If your tears don't wanna dry

I can help you cry
Through the night
Through the night and day
I can't take your pain away
But I can help you cry
Through the night
Through the night and day
I can't take your pain away
I can try but

God help me please
Come save the family tree
My friends I broke them all
When falling off the wall

In the ash I found an ember
Something warm to help remember
A block of wood that used to be
A strong tall family tree

A strong tall family tree
Blowing in the breeze

Cry through the night
Through the night and day
I can't take your pain away
But I can help you cry
Through the night
Through the night and day
I can't take your pain away
But I can help you cry

 

 

 

Lyrics taken from http://www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics/c/carbon_leaf/block_of_wood.html