I just need to write.

I have been wanting to sit down and write a new post for some time, but just haven't made the time to do it.  Tonight, I have so many thoughts and emotions bumping around in my head that I feel I just have to write in order to clear my mind and move on.  I had a wonderful yoga practice this morning, baked some super yummy and healthy cookies, I cried a tiny bit, held my husband close and tight and took a walk outside through all of my budding gardens, but still I am unsettled. 
Life for the most part has been delicious as of late.  Thanks to the teachings of Elena Brower from http://www.artofattention.com/ and to her amazing yoga workshop I attended last weekend, I am able to confront, address and process different situations that I come across  each day.  I am trying so hard not to react to a situation or a comment, but to meet it with an open heart and mind and act with understanding.  I practice this at work when I come across a situation that would have angered me in the past or caused me frustration. I practice this at home with my husband on the rare occurrences that I become frustrated with him.  Recently on a visit to see my parents, I struggled with practicing this, but did my best to not react to comments made but rather meet them with an openness and lightness I usually do not have in that situation.  I can't lie, this was a real challenge for me.  But, I have found that approaching life and life's situations this way, has made a huge difference in my mood and how quickly I recover from difficult encounters.  Until today that is.


My oldest son turned 20 this past Wednesday.  For reasons I do not understand, G has chosen not to communicate with me in any way since January of this year.  This had been an incredibly difficult time for me because G and I have always been so very close and in my mind, had an amazing relationship with each other.  Having no contact with him for 4 months had been a true test of my spirit.  Letting go of guilt and choosing to let him have his space and not go and try to find him, has been harder than I ever realized it could be.  But this past Tuesday, I thought a major break through had occurred.  I received a phone call from G and after what I thought was a wonderful conversation, he had agreed to come for the weekend so that I may celebrate his birthday with him and do my favorite thing, cook  his favorite foods for him, make him a birthday cake or pie and spend quality time catching up on his life and giving him gifts from Christmas that he never came to get and  his birthday presents from me and family members.  I was to pick him up on Saturday and bring him to our house for the weekend.  I never heard back from him after Tuesday. Today he did text me to tell me he would not be coming because he had another engagement he had to attend for his DJing job.  I have to admit if I am honest, I knew he would not show.  I knew that something or someone would come up and he would not want to come.  But even though I knew this was how it would turn out, I would be lying if I said it did not crush my spirit a little more when I knew for sure he would not be coming.  I immediately thought of Elena Brower and how she teaches to open your heart and find space to breathe in the feelings and to act accordingly to those feelings. A few tears fell on my face and I took a few deep breaths and remembered that this was not because of me.  I did not do this.  The demons inside of him that he is dealing with that have to do with me, are his problem right now. They cannot be my problem until he is ready to open up to me and explain to me why he cannot have a relationship with me at this time.  I have done everything I can to reach out to him, I call, I text, and  he is choosing not to respond.  I cannot,at this time,do anymore other than continue to wait. I will be here when he is ready, and I will greet him with open arms and an open heart.  I dedicate my yoga practice to him coming back to me and finding his way back. 


I cannot begin to explain how my yoga practice has helped me to work through the difficult situations in my life.  The physical practice and the mental practice.  I cannot get enough to read or enough time to practice my asanas.  A few months ago, what happened today would have left me in a ball, crying, inconsolable and blaming myself.  Today, it was painful, but I worked through it and moved forward.  I know longer take antidepressants to deal with my emotions.  I own them, acknowledge them, confront them and then let them go. Sure, it helps to write down my thoughts, but that is okay.  I am so thankful I have found yoga and have let it help me in ways that nothing else has.  My mind is open and receiving of all that I can learn.  I hope that in time, I can pass this on to my other children and they will learn from me so that when life gives them difficult decisions or situations, they have the tools they need to address and process these situations thoughtfully.