So here it is, one year since you left this life and went to be with Mom. Oh what a year it has been. It started out as being a year of endings and losses.........having to sort through the only house I ever called home as a child, letting it be released into the hands of a stranger with the hopes that she would love and care for it as only you and Mom could, go through major Holidays without either of my parents, learn not to reach for the phone the moment my eyes opened at 5:30 in the morning to call and check on you before you headed out for your dialysis treatments and not reach for the phone again at 5:30 in the evening on my way home from work to check that you had had a good day. They say it takes 21 days to make something a habit, but it sure takes longer than 21 days to break some habits.
But as the year moved forward, there were some happy beginnings to help ease the pain.....grandchildren graduated from high school and college, Master's Degrees were received from your all time favorite University, a new great-grandbaby was conceived, grandkids traveled around the country on wonderful adventures, living life to the absolute fullest. As the oldest generation of our family left us, we turned to the youngest generations to help move us forward with their youth and vitality.
I have tried to move forward and live my life in a way that would make you and mom proud. I hope that I have succeeded, Some days are much easier than others and some days it is all I can do to put one foot in front of the other. But as I always told you after mom died, you showed me true strength and determination with how you continued on, even though your heart had been shattered. I think of that strength every time I feel like I just don't want to bother with anything. Being alive is a blessing and what right do I have not to live my life to the fullest when I have so much to keep living for. You taught me this and so very much more.
I take comfort in believing that you and mom are together again, maybe not in the way you were here on Earth, but perhaps in an even more beautiful way. A way that you don't have worries, sorrow, pain or any negatives around you. And I want to believe that I will see you both again someday, though I really hope it isn't too soon. You both come to me in my dreams and give me assurance that all is okay and I hold onto that once my eyes open. Please don't ever stop coming to me during those times!!!!
Today I wanted to go to Richmond and put fresh flowers at your and mom's memorial, but I just can't bring myself to go back "home" yet. Not having the house to go to is really hard for me and I just feel lost when I go back. I promise in time I will come back just to come there. I know you understand this, as we talked so much about how hard life was after mom died. For today, I will try to not remember this as the day we lost you, but as the day you were re-united with mom. A very happy occasion for you and her both. How can I not smile when I think of that? It's like I told Becca when she found the firemen and paramedics that tried to keep you here with us, they did the very best they could, but when it came down to you having the chance to go be with mom, your beautiful love of your life, or a bunch of men trying to convince you to stay here, you were going to pick mom, hands down. Anyone knows that. I know she was right there by your side in your last moments on Earth to take you where you needed to go.
So here's to you daddy, may you always know how much we all love you and miss you. May my brothers and I continue to make you proud with the way we live our lives and may you smile down always at the amazing things all of your grandchildren and great-grandchildren are doing. You and mom have a wonderful day today and give her lots of hugs and kisses from all of us. Love you, love you, love you!!!!!!!!
Your Doodle Bug
No comments:
Post a Comment